Another from the FRONT Magazine archives

HEY YOU WANKERS/TWATS/ARSEHOLES/FRIENDS! What are you up to at the moment? Picking Fruit Pastilles out of your vagina? Putting spaghetti down your bellend? Exactly. You should be doing something more constructive with your time, like reading the following awesome article written by me. It was featured in FRONT Magazine back when it was the best thing on planet earth, and is titled LIFE LESSONS FROM ACTION HEROES. Basically, it’ll tell you all you need to know about being an absolute legend in life. You know, like I fucking am.

Click on the piccy-wiccys to enlarge.

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Now, go forth and be LEGENDS.

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There is an 8bit game of The Raid 2 and it’s COOL AS FUCK

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If you didn’t know, I loved The Raid 2 (review HERE), so obviously I would love a computer game of it (even though computer games are for nerds). So if you want to play it, head on over here: theraidarcade.com and give it a go.

It seems if you play as Hammer girl it’s the easiest computer game in the history of anything. Although maybe I’m just really good at fucking everything.

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The BBFC replied to my email

So a while back I sent the following email to the BBFC (click on it to enlarge):

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And they’ve only fucking replied! Here’s their answer in full:

Dear I Only Watch 18s,

Continue reading

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The Raid 2 (2014)

The-Raid-2-Australian-poster_JPG.jpgThe Raid is one of my favourite films in the fucking world, EVER. It’s better than any film you’ve ever made, buster, isn’t it? Your movies are shit. The Raid is not. It’s a stripped-down, straight-to-the-point action /martial arts flick and it blows my nipples through the sodding roof every time I watch it. So needless to say, I was excited about The Raid 2 – the trailer attacked my bum and threw it into the stratosphere, and a hench clip I saw at Frightfest peeled back my foreskin and pinged it back with such force that a window smashed. I was LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, essentially.

And now I’ve seen it. So was it worth the wait?

OF COURSE IT WAS YOU ABSOLUTE PILLOCK.

The Raid 2 was utterly amazing. I don’t know what Gareth Evans is drinking, but I want some of it (Special Brew just isn’t doing it for me at the moment) – he’s a genius. This movie takes the small-scale approach of the first one and spreads it wider than that rude thing I did at the weekend, it’s – although I hate the word – epic. It’s a sprawling, complex crime thriller that just happens to be interspersed with the best fucking fight scenes you’re ever likely to see (until the Raid 3: Your Dick Will Fall Off, presumably).

Continue reading

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From the FRONT Magazine archives

Seeing as FRONT Magazine has unfortunately closed its doors (RIP), I figured it OK to post some of my work that graced its hallowed pages. First up, I thought I’d stick up my ‘A to Z Of Hard Action Bastard Cinema’. Have a read below – I THINK YOU’LL FIND IT MOST AMUSING.

Click the pictures to enlarge. A bit like a dick. That’s how dicks work right?

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I WANT ANSWERS

I saw Under The Skin before it had been classified and I walked out sure that it would be an 18 and so told everyone that I’d seen it. I even included it in my Review of 2013. However, it’s been classified a 15 and so now I look like a pillock. This does not make me happy.

Why was I sure it would be an 18? Well, because it contains numerous visible erections. This is instant 18 territory right? Well, who knows? Did the BBFC miss them? I intend to find out, so I sent the following email to the BBFC:

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Click to enlarge

I’ll let you know when I get an answer. IMAGINE IF THEY’D DONE IT WRONG AND I CAUSED IT TO BE RECLASSIFIED. I’D BE A HERO.

I mean I already am a hero, but I would be EVEN MORE of one.

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I AM A SUCCESS OBVIOUSLY

Last night saw the very first I Only Watch 18s Movie Night at The Exhibit Cinema in Balham, and obviously it was a success. Thanks to everyone that came down, and anybody who didn’t – shame on you! But don’t worry, you can come to the next one.

Anyway, as an extra special treat, here’s my exclusive intro video to The Raid, for all those that missed it:

See you next month for The Thing!

Awesome video courtesy of Sam Clifford-Harding and Sam Bailey.

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Exclusive Poster #37: The Thing

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Read my review of The Thing here.

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You’re invited to the very first I Only Watch 18s Movie Night!

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You know Thursdays yeah? Bit shit normally aren’t they? Not as good as Fridays and definitely not as good as Saturdays. WELL NOT FOR LONG BECAUSE THEY’LL BE THE BEST DAY OF THE FUCKING WEEK IN A MINUTE. Well, a number of minutes anyway – quite a lot in fact, you know, about three weeks worth of minutes. The reason for this is because I’m holding my first movie night ON A THURSDAY in March. The 20th March to be precise.

It’s going to be held at The Exhibit Cinema/Bar/Restaurant in Balham, which is the tits, in case you were wondering. Like watching films on a big screen FROM BIG LEATHER SOFAS? The Exhibit is the place for you then. Not only that, but the legends at Brewdog are sponsoring the event, so you can have a load of beer to drink whilst watching a sweet 18! This sounds good right? THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS.

But there’s more! You’ll also get a nice keepsake to take home with you – one of my very special extra-exclusive movie posters, complete with my review on the back (if you like reading).

So get your arse down to The Exhibit on 20th March to watch THE RAID – one of the best action films you’re ever likely to see, and drink some Brewdog, chat up some hotties and maybe get lucky after the show. The Exhibit are also putting on a sweet discounted dinner and a movie deal so you can grab some munch in their awesome American diner before watching the film.

A dinner and movie ticket will cost £15.90 (bargain – the food is amazing) and a standard ticket will be £7. The film starts at 8, so if you want some nyam, get down earlier, obviously. This is going to be fucking great. You might even get an extra-special pre-movie message from yours truly.

Anyway, gtg cos I’m so excited that I feel a harsh bout of diarrhoea brewing. SEE YOU IN MARCH!

To buy tickets, call the Exhibit cinema on 0208 772 6556.

Awesome poster courtesy of Mike McCabe: http://cargocollective.com/mikemccabe.

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Everything Is Better As An 18: Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump – it won loads of awards, but some of them were Oscars, and you all know how I feel about Oscars, so basically I couldn’t give a shit. It looks like shit so I’ll never watch it. However, I would watch it if it was an 18, because it might go a little something like this:

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Forrest CHUMP more like innit? Yeah, haha good one, me.

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