Frightfest: Are They 18s?

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As you all know, it’s Frightfest coming up in August, and obviously I’m going. OBVIOUSLY. Why wouldn’t I? Where else can you watch bare decent horror films and then also go for a swift bang in the bogs in the interim? Yes, ONE other place – my house. Well, flat. Well, shed. Well, my mate’s shed.

However, and for some reason I can’t quite fathom, sometimes they show films which aren’t 18s. This blows my tiny little knob – it’s insane. Luckily, they do quite well in showing a bunch of genuinely good 18s, too. So what I thought I’d do is do a bit of research to try and find out which ones are 18s and which ones aren’t so that then you know which ones to go and see and which ones to hurl faeces at.

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I Only Watch 18s Mithers The BBFC: Part III

So in my ongoing quest to become best friends with the BBFC, I’ve gone and sent them another email. They’re really good at answering emails, which is more to be said than my ex-girlfriend, who hasn’t answered any of the 40 emails I sent her yesterday. Frigid.

Anyway, I had a burning question in my loins, and I needed it answered before it set fire to my pubes, heated all the cum in my bollocks and sent a molten hot plume of deadly jizz through the letterbox. So here’s my email (click to enlarge):

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It’s an important query, I think you’ll agree. Well, the lovely Debbie at the BBFC replied, and thus extinguished the inferno at the base of my penis. Here’s her answer:

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Classic 18: They Live (1988)

3814634-they_live_xlgI like wearing sunglasses because they make me look all cool and wicked and hard and that. I also like wearing them because you can look at girls’ bums without them knowing what you’re doing. Unless of course you start to look at their bum whilst they’re talking to you – in that case, it becomes pretty clear as to what you’re doing, because you actively have to walk behind them. Things get complicated whenever I’m wearing sunglasses, is what I’m trying to say, ok?

But not as complicated as they get for professional wrestler-turned bubblegum-enthusiast, Roddy Piper in They Live. Why? You ask. Well, because when he puts on his cool pair of sunglasses, he realises that the entire world is being run by aliens and that everything the public sees and hears is sinister subliminal messaging designed to brainwash their minds. Also, he suddenly realises that he doesn’t look as decent as me.

That’s because they’re MAGIC sunglasses, or something. Either way, when you put them on, you can see through the aliens’ human disguises – basically they look like your Mum. Well ugly and gross and I bet they stink, too. Ok, you can’t actually smell what’s going on on screen so I can’t vouch for their stink, but if they smell as much as your Mum as they look like her, then they’ll absolutely grim. Your Mum grims.

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OI GET YOUR BUMS DOWN TO WATCH THEY LIVE WITH ME

In case you’ve been living on planet ballsack for the past three months, I’m here to let you know about my monthly film night YET AGAIN. This month I’m showing They Live at The Exhibit Cinema in Balham, and it’s gonna be peng, obviously.

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You get to watch a decent film, you get an exclusive intro movie from ME (FUCKING ME) and you’ll get a nice free poster too. Specifically, this one: Continue reading

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I Only Watch 18s Mithers The BBFC: Part II

So you’ll all probably remember a while back when I emailed the BBFC to address my concern about having recently watched a 15 with an erection in it (I had mistakenly believed it was an 18).

Well, I sent another email to them the other day because I couldn’t stop thinking about a problem that had entered my mind whilst sitting on the toilet (it was unrelated to shitting btw – it just so happened that I was doing that when I thought about it). Here’s the email (click on it to enlarge):

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It’s an interesting question right? WELL IT IS TO ME.

Anyway, the helpful lot at the BBFC answered my question – here’s their response:

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Classic 18: Commando (1985)

commando_1985_poster_011It’s no secret how much I love Arnold Schwarzenegger – he’s the bee’s bollocks as far as I’m concerned. Fair enough, he’s been in some shit (True Lies, Conan The Barbarian, all the Terminator films, The Expendables 2 for example), but he’s also been in some absolute gems. Gems so shiny you can see your own dick in them. Gems so big and shiny you can see other people’s dicks in them. Gems so big and shiny and sharp that you don’t want to get too close to them otherwise you might cut your dick on them. One of those gems is Commando – Arnold’s role as John Matrix may just be his best.

If you’re unaware of what Commando is about, then not only are you probably wearing a nappy and going “GOO GOO GAA GAA I DUN A POO OUT MY BOTTY WAA WAA WAA”, you’re also a baby. So for all those babies out there, I’ll tell you what it’s about.

Arnold’s daughter is kidnapped and so he has to go and get her.

So it’s sort of a bit like Taken. Or Give Me My Fucking Cheestring Back - only in that one it’s not a daughter that’s been stolen, it’s my fucking Cheestring. Obviously, both those films are amazing and notable for the amount of violence in them, so if you like that sort of thing then you’re most likely going to like Commando.

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Stone Cold (1991)

StoneColdTHIS FILM IS FUCKING AMAZING. I feel the need to let everybody know how good it is, so I’ve taken a break from wrapping sellotape around my penis – I’m trying to get the shaft-colour to match the bellend-colour – in order to write this. I’m providing a valuable public service – people need to know about this movie and they need to watch it.

Until recently, I didn’t really know who Brian Bosworth was – but now I do, and I’m fucking happy about it. Brian Bosworth was a professional American Football player who was extremely popular over in America in the ’80s, but obviously I had no idea of this because I do not give three flying turd-corns about American Football. But supposedly he was a big deal.

BIG DEAL, I couldn’t care less – what I could care less about (because I care a lot about it) (so I guess I couldn’t care less because I care so much about it) (I’ve chosen the wrong expression here but I hope you’re all still with me) is the fact that he went into movies soon after. This is where things get interesting, particularly in the case of Stone Cold, because it was his debut film. I for one, can say with the utmost confidence that this is one of THE best debuts in the history of cinema.

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Another from the FRONT Magazine archives

HEY YOU WANKERS/TWATS/ARSEHOLES/FRIENDS! What are you up to at the moment? Picking Fruit Pastilles out of your vagina? Putting spaghetti down your bellend? Exactly. You should be doing something more constructive with your time, like reading the following awesome article written by me. It was featured in FRONT Magazine back when it was the best thing on planet earth, and is titled LIFE LESSONS FROM ACTION HEROES. Basically, it’ll tell you all you need to know about being an absolute legend in life. You know, like I fucking am.

Click on the piccy-wiccys to enlarge.

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Now, go forth and be LEGENDS.

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There is an 8bit game of The Raid 2 and it’s COOL AS FUCK

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If you didn’t know, I loved The Raid 2 (review HERE), so obviously I would love a computer game of it (even though computer games are for nerds). So if you want to play it, head on over here: theraidarcade.com and give it a go.

It seems if you play as Hammer girl it’s the easiest computer game in the history of anything. Although maybe I’m just really good at fucking everything.

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The BBFC replied to my email

So a while back I sent the following email to the BBFC (click on it to enlarge):

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And they’ve only fucking replied! Here’s their answer in full:

Dear I Only Watch 18s,

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