The Human Centipede III (2015)

HumanCentipede3_poster1Sorry I’ve been away for a bit, I basically set myself this challenge to finger exactly 2000 girls before I could write anything on this website again – not entirely sure why I did this though, so don’t ask. Anyway, I’ve done it now, so I can carry on writing about films and that. Also, I’ve just seen The Human Centipede III and I thought that would be a great one to get me back into the swing of things.

If you need to get yourself up to speed on the Human Centipede saga, then I suggest you read these two pieces of hilarious writing that I found on the internet one day when Googling “pictures of my dick human centipede”. Here’s a review of the first one, and here’s a review of the second one.

What you’ll notice is that I really liked the first one, but the second one wasn’t as good. This is something that happens a lot with sequels isn’t it? Especially when the first sequel is downgraded from an 18 – you know, like what happened with Taken. The first Taken was so good it actually caused me to do a poo which floated out of my arse and slowly rose up towards the ceiling before resting there like a tiny blimp. I think it’s still there now – you’ll have to ask the people at the cinema. However, Taken 2 was a 12A! If there’s anything that’s gonna get that Goodyear turd down from the roof, it’s that. The less said about Taken 3 (or as I like to call it – Taken WEE), the better.

Anyway, The Human Centipede II was still an 18, and one so extreme that it was actually refused a classification the first time round. When it was eventually released it was cut a bit, but still an 18. This made me happy as well as unhappy – the same as when I have a wank, sort of. But either way, it wasn’t as good as the first one.

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I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2014


Anyway, here we go:


The Raid 2

Yeah, so this one was probably pretty obvious from my initial review. Nothing really came close to beating The Raid 2 this year – I mean, I can’t even think of one film that had as many hammers and baseball bats in it. For sheer unadulterated mayhem, you’d be hard pressed to find anything more frantic, save for watching me when I hear the doorbell ring when I’m having a wank.

The Raid 2 contains, hands-down one of the best martial arts fight sequences I’ve ever seen. That fucking fight in the kitchen had me so far on the edge of my seat that I was practically in front of the screen (much to the annoyance of all the other patrons). It’s just SO FUCKING GOOD, and I doubt I’ll see it beaten. Until The Raid 3: This Time You’ll Shit Yourself comes out anyway. Gareth Evans is a high ledge and I want to have a drink with him. Hope he’s up for fingering some girls though, because drinking always turns into that. Even when it’s just Sprite.




Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a good look at some tits and/or gashes, and now and again I may even “stumble” upon a video of a nice big dick going in and out of one or the other – sue me. So when I heard about Nymphomaniac I was all ears. And dicks.

Shame then, that it spent about five hours and all we saw were like five different sets of tits and even less minges. Seriously, this film did nat need to be in two parts – especially when there were that many terrible British accents being bandied about the place like a bunch of, erm, bands or something. Shia Laboeuf (who was in that film about the talking cars or something – Cars I think it was called) needs to go down in history along with Dick Van Dyke and Charlie Hunnam (Green Street) as committing one of the worst accents to film since that time I pretended to be French for my Take Me Out audition video.

Overall, the film is so far up its own arse, that it can’t even see its own arse anymore. We can though. And it’s covered in SHIT.


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Gone Girl Twist List


I just saw Gone Girl and Jesus M Christ on a Snakeboard, did it have a lot of twists in it. I couldn’t believe the hairs on my goochy gooch gooch, sheesh. But seeing as the film was a bit long and slow and I know what you lot are like, I thought I’d just list all of the spoilers here for you instead, so that you don’t need to watch it. Now you’ve got time to go and watch a Jeff Speakman movie or something instead. You don’t need to thank me.

Here are the twists in full:

  • Amy (the ‘Gone Girl’) is not actually called Amy. She is called Rosamund.
  • Likewise for her husband. His name is not Nick, it is Batman.
  • She never actually ‘goes’ anywhere, because we keep seeing her throughout the film even though she was supposed to go missing at the beginning.
  • Ben Affleck.
  • It is not actually based on a book, because if that were the case, then how come David Fincher didn’t see the twist coming? If there was a book, he would have known the ending and there would have been no point in making the film.
  • Regardless of what the trailers for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may have you believe, there are actually no ‘teenage mutant ninja turtles’ in Gone Girl.
  • Bruce Willis is a ghost.
  • Emily Ratajkowski has a boyfriend. It is me. Don’t ask her about me though, she’ll probably say I don’t exist. That’s so Emily.
  • Keyser Soze is a ghost.
  • I am typing this naked.
  • Rosamund is actually the murderer, only she did the murders from beyond the grave, using electricity to make the showers go extra hot and set fire to people.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow’s head is a ghost.
  • Hiding within the cleft in Ben Affleck’s chin is a miniature cunt.

N.B I have not seen Gone Girl.

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A Blow-By-Blow Account Of The First Time I Watched The John Wick Trailer

I recently watched the best trailer I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s for Keanu Reeves’ new film, called John Wick. Here’s the trailer, but I’d warn you, don’t watch it if anything flammable is near because it’ll heat your arsehole to boiling point. IT’S FUCKING AMAZING.

Are you ok? Do you need me to call you an ambulance? Or a cleaner? I bet there’s shit everywhere. In case you were interested, here were my thoughts during the first time I watched the trailer:

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So, for the first time in six years, I didn’t go to Frightfest. That’s a shit of the highest weight and circumference. What a cod of turds. I won’t go into the reasons why but it annoyed my pants all the way right up into my bum, all the way through my intestines, through my stomach, up my gullet and then right out of my mouth and into the face of the audience who were watching my magic show. Couldn’t have asked for better timing to be honest.

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Frightfest: Are They 18s?


As you all know, it’s Frightfest coming up in August, and obviously I’m going. OBVIOUSLY. Why wouldn’t I? Where else can you watch bare decent horror films and then also go for a swift bang in the bogs in the interim? Yes, ONE other place – my house. Well, flat. Well, shed. Well, my mate’s shed.

However, and for some reason I can’t quite fathom, sometimes they show films which aren’t 18s. This blows my tiny little knob – it’s insane. Luckily, they do quite well in showing a bunch of genuinely good 18s, too. So what I thought I’d do is do a bit of research to try and find out which ones are 18s and which ones aren’t so that then you know which ones to go and see and which ones to hurl faeces at.

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I Only Watch 18s Mithers The BBFC: Part III

So in my ongoing quest to become best friends with the BBFC, I’ve gone and sent them another email. They’re really good at answering emails, which is more to be said than my ex-girlfriend, who hasn’t answered any of the 40 emails I sent her yesterday. Frigid.

Anyway, I had a burning question in my loins, and I needed it answered before it set fire to my pubes, heated all the cum in my bollocks and sent a molten hot plume of deadly jizz through the letterbox. So here’s my email (click to enlarge):


It’s an important query, I think you’ll agree. Well, the lovely Debbie at the BBFC replied, and thus extinguished the inferno at the base of my penis. Here’s her answer:

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Classic 18: They Live (1988)

3814634-they_live_xlgI like wearing sunglasses because they make me look all cool and wicked and hard and that. I also like wearing them because you can look at girls’ bums without them knowing what you’re doing. Unless of course you start to look at their bum whilst they’re talking to you – in that case, it becomes pretty clear as to what you’re doing, because you actively have to walk behind them. Things get complicated whenever I’m wearing sunglasses, is what I’m trying to say, ok?

But not as complicated as they get for professional wrestler-turned bubblegum-enthusiast, Roddy Piper in They Live. Why? You ask. Well, because when he puts on his cool pair of sunglasses, he realises that the entire world is being run by aliens and that everything the public sees and hears is sinister subliminal messaging designed to brainwash their minds. Also, he suddenly realises that he doesn’t look as decent as me.

That’s because they’re MAGIC sunglasses, or something. Either way, when you put them on, you can see through the aliens’ human disguises – basically they look like your Mum. Well ugly and gross and I bet they stink, too. Ok, you can’t actually smell what’s going on on screen so I can’t vouch for their stink, but if they smell as much as your Mum as they look like her, then they’ll absolutely grim. Your Mum grims.

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In case you’ve been living on planet ballsack for the past three months, I’m here to let you know about my monthly film night YET AGAIN. This month I’m showing They Live at The Exhibit Cinema in Balham, and it’s gonna be peng, obviously.


You get to watch a decent film, you get an exclusive intro movie from ME (FUCKING ME) and you’ll get a nice free poster too. Specifically, this one: Continue reading

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I Only Watch 18s Mithers The BBFC: Part II

So you’ll all probably remember a while back when I emailed the BBFC to address my concern about having recently watched a 15 with an erection in it (I had mistakenly believed it was an 18).

Well, I sent another email to them the other day because I couldn’t stop thinking about a problem that had entered my mind whilst sitting on the toilet (it was unrelated to shitting btw – it just so happened that I was doing that when I thought about it). Here’s the email (click on it to enlarge):


It’s an interesting question right? WELL IT IS TO ME.

Anyway, the helpful lot at the BBFC answered my question – here’s their response:

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