In case you’re one of those weird things that sticks onto rocks in the sea and does fuck-all with your life, then you’ll know that I right like Danny Dyer. Fair enough, he’s been in some SHEEET, but he acknowledges this fact, which is something a lot of actors refuse to do – it’s nice to see a bit of honesty. He’s not trying to fool anyone – he does what he does and I’m happy with that. It helps that a lot of what he does is fucking good too, which is nice.
So to Vendetta – his new flick – is that one of the shit ones or one of the good ones? Well, it’s one of the fucking good ones you pillock. One of the main reasons for this is that it’s a revenge film – I will give four tonne to any smart-arse that can show me a revenge film that I won’t like (providing it’s an 18 of course). Good fucking luck – you won’t be able to do it. Revenge films are the best, because revenge is such a potent emotion – the feeling you get when drop a flaming cat shit down next-door’s chimney because their fucking muggy moggy turded on your sweet flower bed for the fifith time this week, is breathtaking. I love it. Continue reading
Found footage films are pretty popular at the moment so I thought I’d fucking write my own one to cash-in. I’m going for a more realistic ‘vibe’ with my version. DON’T FUCKING STEAL IT.
There’s not been too much interest in it so far, but early fucking days isn’t it.
Posted in 18s
Tagged script, werewolf
Look, obviously I haven’t seen all of the Chucky movies, because SOME OF THEM ARE FUCKING 15S AREN’T THEY? However, I have seen all the 18 ones and Bride Of Chucky is fucking reet good ain’t it? It’s funny, gory and if I remember correctly, there are some norks in it. There are also some dolls having sex, which is a type of sex I am very familiar with, so there’s that too. Whoopee whoo.
Now I was worried that Curse Of Chucky might be a 15, what with Seed Of Chucky being one, but luckily it wasn’t. I mean that was seriously lucky, because I saw the film at Frightfest before I even knew what certificate it was. If it had been a 15 then that would have meant that I’d watched a 15 and the only logical and sensible reaction to that news would be to rip my bollocks off and post them to myself and when they came through the letterbox throw them out the fucking window.
But hey girls! I’ve still got my awesome bollocks! Curse Of Chucky is an 18! PIAOW PIAOW PIAOW! But that’s not the only good news – the other good news is that Curse Of Chucky is GREAT. It’s funny, gory and if I remember correctly, there are some norks in it. No doll sex though. Probably a good thing that, I’m trying to wean myself off that shit – it’s bad for my heart. It scares the shit out of me when they pop. Continue reading
So as you’ve obviously all been fucking following, I do a weekly column over at frontarmy.com detailing any wicked 18 that’s on telly on any particular day. Well, because I’m an amazing sleuth (a sleuth with a sluice, some might say*) I’ve been able to uncover these exclusive posters that you won’t find anywhere else…
I SAID EXCLUSIVE. This is some important shit. I mean more exclusive than the entrance to my boxer shorts, only 8,948 girls have ever been granted access to that club.
So I’ve created a new little section on the site (check the menu above) for these EXCLUSIVE posters. See the first one below:
LOOK, JUST SHARE THEM AROUND SO THAT I GET EVEN MORE FUCKING POPULAR THAN I ALREADY AM WHICH IS PRETTY IMPOSSIBLE COME TO THINK OF IT BUT I RECKON TOGETHER WE COULD TRY.
*I am the only person who has said that.
Home invasion horror movies are a dime a fucking dozen nowadays, and I’ll tell you what Mrs. Poopy Pants, I’m getting a bit sodding bored of them. When I’d rather watch cum dry over one of these films, you know it’s time to switch things up a notch otherwise I ain’t fucking interested Mr Poopy Pants. Congrats on the wedding by the way.
So when I heard about You’re Next, I wasn’t exactly over the moon, in fact you could say I was under it. On my roof. Naked. Howling. But then I heard a constant stream of very good things about the film, and I also noticed that it was directed by one of the directors of V/H/S, which I bloody well liked. Turns out he directed one of the shitter segments, but still, fuck off and all that. Either way, my interest was peaked. As were my trousers.
Also, it was an 18. JOIN THE ACTUAL DOTS YOU FUCKING POINDEXTER. Continue reading
Yo, I’ve been a bit of a slack dickhead recently with posting here, apologies. Don’t worry though, I saw You’re Next the other day and it was fucking AWESOMER THAN A SLAP TO UNDERTITS, so I’ll review that soon innit. You know what though? I’ve been doing weekly columns for FRONT mag on their website, so I’m gonna bunch a load of them here for you to read and/or shit yourself over. Here goes:
30 Days Of Night
Man On Fire
Dawn Of The Dead
Hard To Kill
CHECK BACK SOON AND THERE MIGHT BE A PICCIE OF MY DICK OR SOMETHING.