I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2014

Posted on January 8, 2015 by ionlywatch18s

IF YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT THAT IT’S ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH JANUARY AND I’VE ONLY JUST DONE MY REVIEW OF THE YEAR THEN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR WHINING SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU ABSOLUTE PRINCE.

Anyway, here we go:

FAVOURITE FILM

The Raid 2

Yeah, so this one was probably pretty obvious from my initial review. Nothing really came close to beating The Raid 2 this year – I mean, I can’t even think of one film that had as many hammers and baseball bats in it. For sheer unadulterated mayhem, you’d be hard pressed to find anything more frantic, save for watching me when I hear the doorbell ring when I’m having a wank.

The Raid 2 contains, hands-down one of the best martial arts fight sequences I’ve ever seen. That fucking fight in the kitchen had me so far on the edge of my seat that I was practically in front of the screen (much to the annoyance of all the other patrons). It’s just SO FUCKING GOOD, and I doubt I’ll see it beaten. Until The Raid 3: This Time You’ll Shit Yourself comes out anyway. Gareth Evans is a high ledge and I want to have a drink with him. Hope he’s up for fingering some girls though, because drinking always turns into that. Even when it’s just Sprite.

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SHITTEST 18

Nymphomaniac

Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a good look at some tits and/or gashes, and now and again I may even “stumble” upon a video of a nice big dick going in and out of one or the other – sue me. So when I heard about Nymphomaniac I was all ears. And dicks.

Shame then, that it spent about five hours and all we saw were like five different sets of tits and even less minges. Seriously, this film did nat need to be in two parts – especially when there were that many terrible British accents being bandied about the place like a bunch of, erm, bands or something. Shia Laboeuf (who was in that film about the talking cars or something – Cars I think it was called) needs to go down in history along with Dick Van Dyke and Charlie Hunnam (Green Street) as committing one of the worst accents to film since that time I pretended to be French for my Take Me Out audition video.

Overall, the film is so far up its own arse, that it can’t even see its own arse anymore. We can though. And it’s covered in SHIT.

nymphomaniac

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Gone Girl Twist List

Posted on October 14, 2014 by ionlywatch18s

Gone-Girl-2014-film-poster

I just saw Gone Girl and Jesus M Christ on a Snakeboard, did it have a lot of twists in it. I couldn’t believe the hairs on my goochy gooch gooch, sheesh. But seeing as the film was a bit long and slow and I know what you lot are like, I thought I’d just list all of the spoilers here for you instead, so that you don’t need to watch it. Now you’ve got time to go and watch a Jeff Speakman movie or something instead. You don’t need to thank me.

Here are the twists in full:

  • Amy (the ‘Gone Girl’) is not actually called Amy. She is called Rosamund.
  • Likewise for her husband. His name is not Nick, it is Batman.
  • She never actually ‘goes’ anywhere, because we keep seeing her throughout the film even though she was supposed to go missing at the beginning.
  • Ben Affleck.
  • It is not actually based on a book, because if that were the case, then how come David Fincher didn’t see the twist coming? If there was a book, he would have known the ending and there would have been no point in making the film.
  • Regardless of what the trailers for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may have you believe, there are actually no ‘teenage mutant ninja turtles’ in Gone Girl.
  • Bruce Willis is a ghost.
  • Emily Ratajkowski has a boyfriend. It is me. Don’t ask her about me though, she’ll probably say I don’t exist. That’s so Emily.
  • Keyser Soze is a ghost.
  • I am typing this naked.
  • Rosamund is actually the murderer, only she did the murders from beyond the grave, using electricity to make the showers go extra hot and set fire to people.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow’s head is a ghost.
  • Hiding within the cleft in Ben Affleck’s chin is a miniature cunt.

N.B I have not seen Gone Girl.

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A Blow-By-Blow Account Of The First Time I Watched The John Wick Trailer

Posted on September 23, 2014 by ionlywatch18s

I recently watched the best trailer I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s for Keanu Reeves’ new film, called John Wick. Here’s the trailer, but I’d warn you, don’t watch it if anything flammable is near because it’ll heat your arsehole to boiling point. IT’S FUCKING AMAZING.

Are you ok? Do you need me to call you an ambulance? Or a cleaner? I bet there’s shit everywhere. In case you were interested, here were my thoughts during the first time I watched the trailer:

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HAHAHAHAHA I DIDN’T GO TO FRIGHTFEST

Posted on September 4, 2014 by ionlywatch18s

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So, for the first time in six years, I didn’t go to Frightfest. That’s a shit of the highest weight and circumference. What a cod of turds. I won’t go into the reasons why but it annoyed my pants all the way right up into my bum, all the way through my intestines, through my stomach, up my gullet and then right out of my mouth and into the face of the audience who were watching my magic show. Couldn’t have asked for better timing to be honest.

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Frightfest: Are They 18s?

Posted on July 9, 2014 by ionlywatch18s

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As you all know, it’s Frightfest coming up in August, and obviously I’m going. OBVIOUSLY. Why wouldn’t I? Where else can you watch bare decent horror films and then also go for a swift bang in the bogs in the interim? Yes, ONE other place – my house. Well, flat. Well, shed. Well, my mate’s shed.

However, and for some reason I can’t quite fathom, sometimes they show films which aren’t 18s. This blows my tiny little knob – it’s insane. Luckily, they do quite well in showing a bunch of genuinely good 18s, too. So what I thought I’d do is do a bit of research to try and find out which ones are 18s and which ones aren’t so that then you know which ones to go and see and which ones to hurl faeces at.

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I Only Watch 18s Mithers The BBFC: Part III

Posted on July 3, 2014 by ionlywatch18s

So in my ongoing quest to become best friends with the BBFC, I’ve gone and sent them another email. They’re really good at answering emails, which is more to be said than my ex-girlfriend, who hasn’t answered any of the 40 emails I sent her yesterday. Frigid.

Anyway, I had a burning question in my loins, and I needed it answered before it set fire to my pubes, heated all the cum in my bollocks and sent a molten hot plume of deadly jizz through the letterbox. So here’s my email (click to enlarge):

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It’s an important query, I think you’ll agree. Well, the lovely Debbie at the BBFC replied, and thus extinguished the inferno at the base of my penis. Here’s her answer:

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Classic 18: They Live (1988)

Posted on June 24, 2014 by ionlywatch18s

3814634-they_live_xlgI like wearing sunglasses because they make me look all cool and wicked and hard and that. I also like wearing them because you can look at girls’ bums without them knowing what you’re doing. Unless of course you start to look at their bum whilst they’re talking to you – in that case, it becomes pretty clear as to what you’re doing, because you actively have to walk behind them. Things get complicated whenever I’m wearing sunglasses, is what I’m trying to say, ok?

But not as complicated as they get for professional wrestler-turned bubblegum-enthusiast, Roddy Piper in They Live. Why? You ask. Well, because when he puts on his cool pair of sunglasses, he realises that the entire world is being run by aliens and that everything the public sees and hears is sinister subliminal messaging designed to brainwash their minds. Also, he suddenly realises that he doesn’t look as decent as me.

That’s because they’re MAGIC sunglasses, or something. Either way, when you put them on, you can see through the aliens’ human disguises – basically they look like your Mum. Well ugly and gross and I bet they stink, too. Ok, you can’t actually smell what’s going on on screen so I can’t vouch for their stink, but if they smell as much as your Mum as they look like her, then they’ll absolutely grim. Your Mum grims.

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OI GET YOUR BUMS DOWN TO WATCH THEY LIVE WITH ME

Posted on June 12, 2014 by ionlywatch18s

In case you’ve been living on planet ballsack for the past three months, I’m here to let you know about my monthly film night YET AGAIN. This month I’m showing They Live at The Exhibit Cinema in Balham, and it’s gonna be peng, obviously.

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You get to watch a decent film, you get an exclusive intro movie from ME (FUCKING ME) and you’ll get a nice free poster too. Specifically, this one: Continue reading →

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I Only Watch 18s Mithers The BBFC: Part II

Posted on June 9, 2014 by ionlywatch18s

So you’ll all probably remember a while back when I emailed the BBFC to address my concern about having recently watched a 15 with an erection in it (I had mistakenly believed it was an 18).

Well, I sent another email to them the other day because I couldn’t stop thinking about a problem that had entered my mind whilst sitting on the toilet (it was unrelated to shitting btw – it just so happened that I was doing that when I thought about it). Here’s the email (click on it to enlarge):

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It’s an interesting question right? WELL IT IS TO ME.

Anyway, the helpful lot at the BBFC answered my question – here’s their response:

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Classic 18: Commando (1985)

Posted on May 19, 2014 by ionlywatch18s

commando_1985_poster_011It’s no secret how much I love Arnold Schwarzenegger – he’s the bee’s bollocks as far as I’m concerned. Fair enough, he’s been in some shit (True Lies, Conan The Barbarian, all the Terminator films, The Expendables 2 for example), but he’s also been in some absolute gems. Gems so shiny you can see your own dick in them. Gems so big and shiny you can see other people’s dicks in them. Gems so big and shiny and sharp that you don’t want to get too close to them otherwise you might cut your dick on them. One of those gems is Commando – Arnold’s role as John Matrix may just be his best.

If you’re unaware of what Commando is about, then not only are you probably wearing a nappy and going “GOO GOO GAA GAA I DUN A POO OUT MY BOTTY WAA WAA WAA”, you’re also a baby. So for all those babies out there, I’ll tell you what it’s about.

Arnold’s daughter is kidnapped and so he has to go and get her.

So it’s sort of a bit like Taken. Or Give Me My Fucking Cheestring Back – only in that one it’s not a daughter that’s been stolen, it’s my fucking Cheestring. Obviously, both those films are amazing and notable for the amount of violence in them, so if you like that sort of thing then you’re most likely going to like Commando.

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