Author Archives: I Only Watch 18s

Final Cut (1998)

I’m not going to properly review this film because it’s a bit old and it wasn’t good enough for me to review as a ‘classic’ 18 – I’m trying to keep ahead of the times and shit here.  Don’t want to be reviewing little known films from the 90s that weren’t that great do I?  However, Final Cut had one of the best ‘reading aloud a letter that has been delivered to a person’s front door’ scenes I’ve ever seen.

I’ve just spent ages trying to find a video clip of the scene but I got waylaid by porn, sorry.  Anyway, I couldn’t find one.  Either way, it goes something like this:

Dear Big Tits,

If you don’t stop your poxy little dog from shitting on my front lawn I’ll cut its fucking bollocks off and shove them straight up your pussy which you’ll probably enjoy.

EEE BY GUM I TELL YOU IT WERE REET FUNNY I WOUND IT BACK AND WATCHED IT AGAIN DINT I?

I suppose just for posterity I’ll give the movie a score – 5 18s out of 10 (many, many extra points for the endless swearing)

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18 related anecdote no. 38

Tips on how to stay awake during a movie

1. Try absolutely everything including standing up and STILL fall asleep.

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Drive Angry 3D (2011)

At the end of the screening for Drive Angry 3D I spent quite a while looking for the ‘like’ button on my seat so that I could press it.  This is because I ‘liked’ Drive Angry 3D a great deal – I even said out loud “Where’s the ‘like’ button for that?  Because I want to press it.”  No-one laughed but then they did when the lights came on because they saw my ceps peeking out from underneath my T-Shirt and they didn’t want to antagonise me.  Don’t blame them to be honest.

Anyway, if you hadn’t gathered from the shit introduction above – I thought Drive Angry 3D was really good.

The film is about Nicolas Cage and he’s been in Hell or some shit and there’s some ‘accountant’ and he’s killing people but also looking for Cage but Cage is looking for his granddaughter who’s been kidnapped by some cult leader knobhead who’s also killing people and also Amber Heard is a lesbian is along for the ride and then there are some explosions and guts.  I think from this description you can decide if you will like it or not (HINT: You will). (more…)

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18 related anecdote no. 37

Notes for females

 

 

Nearly every Valentine’s Day I am single – I can’t see why, but I am.  This may be due to the rigorous screening process I carry out when choosing a mate, or it may just be because I am a cunt.  Either way, I’ve come up with a few tips/requirements/preferences for any females out there that would like to date someone as masculine, charming, stacked, hung, slicked-back, hilarious, caring, chiselled, assertive and knowledgeable about 18s as me.  Read on if you want any chance of seeing the 18 that I’ve just shaved into my pubes: (more…)

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People I Like no. 6: Lance Henriksen

Here’s another ‘might not know his name – definitely know his face’ person.  A bit like me, I’m one of those guys, well to women anyway – they don’t know my name, but when they see me THEY KNOW WHO I AM.  I’ll walk past and they’ll say, “There’s Pendulum Man – he’s so dreamy!”  They call me pendulum man because of the way that my penis acts as a gigantic pendulum as I swagger past.

Anyway, Lance Henriksen (pendulum attributes pending) is one of my favourite actors, mainly because…YOU GUESSED IT!

If you didn’t, tough. (more…)

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Phenomena (1985)

“This looks interesting, that’s Jennifer Connelly before she was famous.  Oooh, she’s going to a spooky old school with a strict headmistress – exciting!  Wait, what’s this?  There’s a murderer going around killing people?  Things are getting even more interesting now.  Oh, and Jennifer Connelly can communicate with insects – ok, I’ll let that one go, I’m slightly intrigued.  Oh look, there’s Donald Pleasence doing a terrible Scottish accent and talking to a monkey – actually it’s pretty much a monkey butler – fair enough.  Ooooh, more murders – things are hotting up!  Jennifer is sleepwalking now, uh oh – there’s some naughty men and they’ve got her in the car, oh don’t worry, they’ve thrown her down a hill – that scene was completely pointless.  MONKEY BUTLER.  Jennifer and Donald and Monkey Butler have a chat.  Now Jennifer is following a lightning bug and what’s this?  She’s found a glove with maggots in it.  Now she’s following a fly and she meets a scarily inappropriate estate agent lurking around a house with a severed hand in it.  What’s going on?  Who cares!  Oh shit!  Mad woman!  Fire!  Child who looks like the Predator!  Maggots!  MONKEY BUTLER!  SPEARS!  BOY ON FIRE IN LAKE!  MONKEY BUTLER WITH RAZOR!  FLIES! MAGGOTS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON EVERY SINGLE SCENE SEEMS COMPLETELY POINTLESS AND UNRELATED TO THE NEXT ACTUALLY THIS FILM IS SHIT BUT IS IT GOOD AT THE SAME TIME MAYBE BUT PROBABLY NOT.”

Oh yeah, erm – SPOILER ALERT. (more…)

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Crying With Laughter (2009)

Crying With Laughter is about a stand-up “comedian” (I’m doing the bunny ears thing as we speak, whilst waving my head back and forth with my lips pursed going ‘oooooooh’).

(BECAUSE I’M BEING SARCASTIC ISN’T IT.)

Anyway, this stand-up comedian gets in some right shit when he meets a bloke who used to go to his school, who seems “normal” (doing it again) but is actually a bit of a nutcase.

Basically, he draws the stand-up “comedian” (see above) into a massive web of lies and torture and black eyes and rape and dancing and kidnapping and swearing and shit.  The whole film is essentially a story being told by this stand-up during his act, and we keep flashing back to what’s going on in his tale.

It begins with this comedian – Joey Frisk – getting kicked out of his apartment for taking the piss out of his landlord during a set, before slowly becoming more and more distraught as he gets pissed and finally assaults someone in a nightclub.  He eventually ends up living with this old school friend who he met in a swimming pool – the aforementioned nutcase – and gets into a right old bag of bollocks with a cherry on top. (more…)

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The Lovers’ Guide 3D: Igniting Desire (2010)

ALL THIS FUCKING TIME I’VE BEEN HAVING SEX IN 2D WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING IT IN 3D.

All I needed was The Lovers’ Guide 3D: Igniting Desire to teach me how.

It’s basically like The Lovers’ Guide, you know, the video you found in your mate’s parents’ sock drawer with Showgirls and you watched on a double-bill while giggling like schoolchildren (because you were schoolchildren).

No?

Come one guys, it’s the one with ACTUAL KNOBS AND FLANGES in it.

Yeah, thought you’d get it from that. (more…)

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Shocker (1989)

Shocker is written and directed by Wes Craven (the guy behind countless awesome 18s like A Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream and The Hills Have Eyes), therefore it should be good.  However, whereas it started off rather fantastically – I even said out loud ‘I love this kind of movie’ – it actually ended up being a bit of a

***NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH***

*We interrupt this review to bring you an urgent news story.  It has been brought to our attention that a gigantically shit pun is headed to this area.  It can be expected imminently and those averse to crap wordplay must stay away from any computer in their immediate vicinity – you have been warned*

***END OF NEWSFLASH***

shocker.

It’s about a mental serial killer called Horace Pinker who’s targeting families at random and killing them all.  Quite early on, an annoying football jock has a dream about watching Final Destination about the killer murdering his family.  IT COMES TRUE.  Then somehow, the kid works out how to have these premonition dreams and leads the police to Pinker’s next murder before it even happens.  So the cops capture him and sentence him to the electric chair. (more…)

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I Only Watch 18s Book Club: If Chins Could Kill

Unfortunately, not actually about a killer chin, or even about someone with a killer chin.  Also, the title makes out that chins can’t actually kill, when they clearly can, see below:

Pretty sure his chin could kill.

Anyway, erroneous title aside – If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B-Movie Actor is actually a very good book.  It’s Bruce Campbell’s (of various quality 18s like The Evil Dead (18, seen), Evil Dead II (18, seen), Maniac Cop (18, seen), Intruder (18, seen), Darkman (18, seen), Mindwarp (18, seen) and From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (18, seen)) biography and it’s quite funny. (more…)

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