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From the FRONT Magazine archives

Seeing as FRONT Magazine has unfortunately closed its doors (RIP), I figured it OK to post some of my work that graced its hallowed pages. First up, I thought I’d stick up my ‘A to Z Of Hard Action Bastard Cinema’. Have a read below – I THINK YOU’LL FIND IT MOST AMUSING.

Click the pictures to enlarge. A bit like a dick. That’s how dicks work right?

a2zz

a2z2

a2z3

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I AM A SUCCESS OBVIOUSLY

Last night saw the very first I Only Watch 18s Movie Night at The Exhibit Cinema in Balham, and obviously it was a success. Thanks to everyone that came down, and anybody who didn’t – shame on you! But don’t worry, you can come to the next one.

Anyway, as an extra special treat, here’s my exclusive intro video to The Raid, for all those that missed it:

See you next month for The Thing!

Awesome video courtesy of Sam Clifford-Harding and Sam Bailey.

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Everything Is Better As An 18: Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump – it won loads of awards, but some of them were Oscars, and you all know how I feel about Oscars, so basically I couldn’t give a shit. It looks like shit so I’ll never watch it. However, I would watch it if it was an 18, because it might go a little something like this:

forrest

Forrest CHUMP more like innit? Yeah, haha good one, me.

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I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2013

For once, this year was actually relatively good for 18s. Yeah I know, it pulled my foreskin off too! Yeah, we had quite a steady stream of 18s popping up about the shop – mostly horror, but a couple of action ones here and there, which is always appreciated. Another interesting thing was that they weren’t all direct-to-DVD releases, we had a couple of cinematic 18s. I love going to the cinema to watch 18s, the main reason being that you get all the 18 trailers before the actual film. I love 18 trailers. But enough of me rubbing pumice stone into my arse-pulse, let’s get on with the fucking I Only Watch 18s REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013. “You’re gonna need a bigger nappy.”

FAVOURITE FILM OF 2013

Well, this is an easy one isn’t it? It’s got to be V/H/S/2 hasn’t it? Stop asking questions will you? Ok I will if you calm down alright? Sure let’s just get on with this ok? Am I talking to myself? I don’t know, do you? Yes – wait, do I?

Sorry, so yeah, V/H/S/2 – not only the best film I saw this year, but also the one that is the most annoying to type. In case you didn’t know (why don’t you know? What have you been doing? You seriously need to give your wrist a rest sometimes mate, you’re gonna get carpal tunnel or some shit), it’s a portmanteau horror film consisting of a number of found-footage tales. They are ALL good. My favourite one was the one directed by Jason Eisener, of Hobo With A Shotgun Fame, because it scared a thin film of grease right off the end of my bell-end and into the clouds. It’s about an alien abduction, something that is extremely close to my heart after that time I went on a night out and when I woke up there was a test tube up my choddy. The next best is Gareth Evans’ (The Raidinsane day of reckoning-style segment – it’s completely mental and I love it. Like my reflection. This is of course not to say the rest are not that good, because they are – this sequel certainly stepped it up in quality when compared to the original, which itself was pretty darn good anyway.

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SHITTEST 18 OF 2013

Unfortunately it’s gotta be I Spit On Your Grave 2. I thought the original was good and so was the remake – making a bloke suck his own severed dick was priceless – but this sequel to the remake was very very silly. None of it made any sense and the shit dealt out to the woman was so extreme and lasted soooooo long, which also therefore didn’t leave any time for the good bit – revenge. There was one inspired part (the bit with the bollocks in the vice), but apart from that, even the revenge was wack. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you haven’t had a shower for a week and still can’t be bothered to have one – watch this and you’ll need one straight after, you dirty fucking slob. Your room stinks.

I Spit On Your Grave 2, Set Photography - Day14

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Frightfest All-Nighter Review

So a couple of weeks back, I showed you my predictions for the Frightfest Halloween All-Nighter in the form of crude drawings with willies in them. I laughed while I was drawing them so they MUST have been funny. So to keep with the trend, I thought I’d do my review in the form of crude drawings with willies in them too. So here is what I actually thought of the movies at the Frightfest All-Nighter after I’d seen them:

Excision

 

I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKED THIS ONE.

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Watch your head! Another wicked sequel title heading your way!

I really liked I Spit on Your Grave and I really liked the remake of I Spit On Your Grave. They were both good. I liked the bits where the dicks got cut off. Hur hur hur dicks. Anyway, they’ve announced the name for the sequel and it’s a bloody corker! It’s a really good one. Strap your tampons in and brace yourself… (more…)

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Frightfest All-Nighter Preview

Right, I’ll warn you now, this post is extremely childish. But then I guess you wouldn’t like this website if you weren’t slightly childish. So fuck it.

Anyway, it’s the Frightfest all-nighter this weekend, and I am fucking going. I’m sure it’ll be the usual mix of funilingus, rooting, drinking, shitting, pissing and slipping a neat connie over my swonk-on and poshing it till hometime. Oh and obviously I’ll be watching some films too. There will be six films this year, and with the help of some highly intellectual drawings done by yours truly, I shall run through what I think of each one before I’ve even seen it. Let’s go:

Excision

 

Rather bloody excited I’ll tell you that for free

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Dredd (2012)

Guess fucking what? I ain’t seen that Stallone pile of stained arse-wipes Judge Dredd because I am not the kind of person that enjoys thrusting tampons up my nose and smashing my head on the desk. So obevihouslee I was well excited when I found out there was going to be an 18 version movie made of a character of which I am quite fond. I positively squatted over a mirror and shat I mean I didn’t do that that would be weird.*

Basically, Dredd is what Judge Dredd should have been – relentless, grimy, breakneck, and shafting violent. It’s basically a stripped down, old-school sci-fi action movie. You know, like one of those ’80s or ’90s ones set in the future, like Bronx Warriors or American Cyborg or The Running Man or some other wicked shit.

There’s no bollocks, no pretense, no ‘story’ – it’s just a hulk with a gay helmet smashing the shunting fuck out of loads and loads of dispensable henchmen with guns, fists, rocket launchers, bombs, boots and fire. It’s awesome. (more…)

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I REALLY LIKE THE TERM ‘RE-IMAGINING’

So two new trailers have been released recently. They are both for ‘re-imaginings’ of classic horror films. Here they are:

and

If you’re an idiot, then you won’t have realised those trailers were for the new versions of The Evil Dead and Carrie.

Now, I’ve got no issues with remakes, if they’re 18s then I’ll fucking watch them love. But at least admit they’re just fucking remakes – they’re made to make money. Don’t fanny about calling them ‘re-imaginings’ unless you are actually going to re-imagine them. Fuck, look what you’re doing to me – you just made me use the term ‘re-imagine’ in a sentence that wasn’t a quote or a screaming torrent of abuse.

Film Executive: Hey, I don’t have enough cunting cars. Let’s remake Dawn of The Evil Dead or whatever the fuck that shit was called. What about that motherfucking Stephen Koontz film that they did that time, where that freaky-ass kid comes out of the lake at the end – Carrie? Yeah people sucked that movie’s dick didn’t they? Yeah let’s party. OH GOD MY PULSING DICK LOOKS SO GOOD IN THIS MIRROR.

Screenwriters: Yes we will do this for you.

Film Executive: Great great GREAT. But you lazy fuckers better make sure you tell everyone that we’re ‘re-imagining’ them though, because all those fat jerkoff film bloggers hate the word ‘remake’. However, WHATEVER YOU DO you must include that bit with all the fire and the blood in Carrie and also all the main parts of Return of Evil Zombies that everyone will recognise. Basically no new ideas. If you include new ideas you will piss off the fat-as-shit movie blogger fuckwads. SHEESH THIS OLIVE OIL IS REALLY MAKING MY DICK GLISTEN IN THE SUN. OH I LOVE MYSELF.

Screenwriters: You have just massively contradicted yourself but OK.

I hate people that contradict themselves. Anyway, I hate re-imaginings but I like re-imaginings. I like remakes. I hate remakes.

I WILL WATCH BOTH OF THESE.

 

 

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If this is shit I’ll punch my dick to Mars

Surely there is no way this can be shit?

It’s an 18. It’s got fuck loads of hip-hop in it. Bare peeps be getting their eyes and heads fucked out by people with spikes in their feet and metal fists. I’m so excited about this. I really am.

I’ve already watched the trailer exactly 6,789 times and this erection looks set to last another 3,456 times. It’s gonna be a loooooooooooooong night.

It’s a good job I’ve got a loooooooooooooong dick.

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