Category Archives: Thriller

I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2014

IF YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT THAT IT’S ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH JANUARY AND I’VE ONLY JUST DONE MY REVIEW OF THE YEAR THEN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR WHINING SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU ABSOLUTE PRINCE.

Anyway, here we go:

FAVOURITE FILM

The Raid 2

Yeah, so this one was probably pretty obvious from my initial review. Nothing really came close to beating The Raid 2 this year – I mean, I can’t even think of one film that had as many hammers and baseball bats in it. For sheer unadulterated mayhem, you’d be hard pressed to find anything more frantic, save for watching me when I hear the doorbell ring when I’m having a wank.

The Raid 2 contains, hands-down one of the best martial arts fight sequences I’ve ever seen. That fucking fight in the kitchen had me so far on the edge of my seat that I was practically in front of the screen (much to the annoyance of all the other patrons). It’s just SO FUCKING GOOD, and I doubt I’ll see it beaten. Until The Raid 3: This Time You’ll Shit Yourself comes out anyway. Gareth Evans is a high ledge and I want to have a drink with him. Hope he’s up for fingering some girls though, because drinking always turns into that. Even when it’s just Sprite.

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SHITTEST 18

Nymphomaniac

Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a good look at some tits and/or gashes, and now and again I may even “stumble” upon a video of a nice big dick going in and out of one or the other – sue me. So when I heard about Nymphomaniac I was all ears. And dicks.

Shame then, that it spent about five hours and all we saw were like five different sets of tits and even less minges. Seriously, this film did nat need to be in two parts – especially when there were that many terrible British accents being bandied about the place like a bunch of, erm, bands or something. Shia Laboeuf (who was in that film about the talking cars or something – Cars I think it was called) needs to go down in history along with Dick Van Dyke and Charlie Hunnam (Green Street) as committing one of the worst accents to film since that time I pretended to be French for my Take Me Out audition video.

Overall, the film is so far up its own arse, that it can’t even see its own arse anymore. We can though. And it’s covered in SHIT.

nymphomaniac

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Gone Girl Twist List

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I just saw Gone Girl and Jesus M Christ on a Snakeboard, did it have a lot of twists in it. I couldn’t believe the hairs on my goochy gooch gooch, sheesh. But seeing as the film was a bit long and slow and I know what you lot are like, I thought I’d just list all of the spoilers here for you instead, so that you don’t need to watch it. Now you’ve got time to go and watch a Jeff Speakman movie or something instead. You don’t need to thank me.

Here are the twists in full:

  • Amy (the ‘Gone Girl’) is not actually called Amy. She is called Rosamund.
  • Likewise for her husband. His name is not Nick, it is Batman.
  • She never actually ‘goes’ anywhere, because we keep seeing her throughout the film even though she was supposed to go missing at the beginning.
  • Ben Affleck.
  • It is not actually based on a book, because if that were the case, then how come David Fincher didn’t see the twist coming? If there was a book, he would have known the ending and there would have been no point in making the film.
  • Regardless of what the trailers for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may have you believe, there are actually no ‘teenage mutant ninja turtles’ in Gone Girl.
  • Bruce Willis is a ghost.
  • Emily Ratajkowski has a boyfriend. It is me. Don’t ask her about me though, she’ll probably say I don’t exist. That’s so Emily.
  • Keyser Soze is a ghost.
  • I am typing this naked.
  • Rosamund is actually the murderer, only she did the murders from beyond the grave, using electricity to make the showers go extra hot and set fire to people.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow’s head is a ghost.
  • Hiding within the cleft in Ben Affleck’s chin is a miniature cunt.

N.B I have not seen Gone Girl.

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Exclusive Poster #33: Wild Things

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http://www.frontarmy.com/films/i-only-watch-18s-must-see-movies-wild-things

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Exclusive Poster #27: Out For Justice

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Exclusive Poster #25: Taxi Driver

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I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2013

For once, this year was actually relatively good for 18s. Yeah I know, it pulled my foreskin off too! Yeah, we had quite a steady stream of 18s popping up about the shop – mostly horror, but a couple of action ones here and there, which is always appreciated. Another interesting thing was that they weren’t all direct-to-DVD releases, we had a couple of cinematic 18s. I love going to the cinema to watch 18s, the main reason being that you get all the 18 trailers before the actual film. I love 18 trailers. But enough of me rubbing pumice stone into my arse-pulse, let’s get on with the fucking I Only Watch 18s REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013. “You’re gonna need a bigger nappy.”

FAVOURITE FILM OF 2013

Well, this is an easy one isn’t it? It’s got to be V/H/S/2 hasn’t it? Stop asking questions will you? Ok I will if you calm down alright? Sure let’s just get on with this ok? Am I talking to myself? I don’t know, do you? Yes – wait, do I?

Sorry, so yeah, V/H/S/2 – not only the best film I saw this year, but also the one that is the most annoying to type. In case you didn’t know (why don’t you know? What have you been doing? You seriously need to give your wrist a rest sometimes mate, you’re gonna get carpal tunnel or some shit), it’s a portmanteau horror film consisting of a number of found-footage tales. They are ALL good. My favourite one was the one directed by Jason Eisener, of Hobo With A Shotgun Fame, because it scared a thin film of grease right off the end of my bell-end and into the clouds. It’s about an alien abduction, something that is extremely close to my heart after that time I went on a night out and when I woke up there was a test tube up my choddy. The next best is Gareth Evans’ (The Raidinsane day of reckoning-style segment – it’s completely mental and I love it. Like my reflection. This is of course not to say the rest are not that good, because they are – this sequel certainly stepped it up in quality when compared to the original, which itself was pretty darn good anyway.

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SHITTEST 18 OF 2013

Unfortunately it’s gotta be I Spit On Your Grave 2. I thought the original was good and so was the remake – making a bloke suck his own severed dick was priceless – but this sequel to the remake was very very silly. None of it made any sense and the shit dealt out to the woman was so extreme and lasted soooooo long, which also therefore didn’t leave any time for the good bit – revenge. There was one inspired part (the bit with the bollocks in the vice), but apart from that, even the revenge was wack. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you haven’t had a shower for a week and still can’t be bothered to have one – watch this and you’ll need one straight after, you dirty fucking slob. Your room stinks.

I Spit On Your Grave 2, Set Photography - Day14

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VENDETTA (2013)

vendetta-newIn case you’re one of those weird things that sticks onto rocks in the sea and does fuck-all with your life, then you’ll know that I right like Danny Dyer. Fair enough, he’s been in some SHEEET, but he acknowledges this fact, which is something a lot of actors refuse to do – it’s nice to see a bit of honesty. He’s not trying to fool anyone – he does what he does and I’m happy with that. It helps that a lot of what he does is fucking good too, which is nice.

So to Vendetta – his new flick – is that one of the shit ones or one of the good ones? Well, it’s one of the fucking good ones you pillock. One of the main reasons for this is that it’s a revenge film – I will give four tonne to any smart-arse that can show me a revenge film that I won’t like (providing it’s an 18 of course). Good fucking luck – you won’t be able to do it. Revenge films are the best, because revenge is such a potent emotion – the feeling you get when drop a flaming cat shit down next-door’s chimney because their fucking muggy moggy turded on your sweet flower bed for the fifith time this week, is breathtaking. I love it. (more…)

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Spring Breakers (2013) (Guest Review From My Penis)

kinopoisk.ruHey guys, I Only Watch 18s’ dick here.You may have heard of me, I know he likes to go on and on about me, but I’m not that great! Ok, I am. I’m the fucking best oak in the whole world, I’ve kissed so many vaginas you wouldn’t even believe it, I mean we’re talking thousands here, maybe millions. Anyway, we went to see Spring Breakers the other day and because it was the film I’d been looking forward to most this year, I Only Watch 18s said I could write the review, so here I am!

I’ll give you a bit of background to my anticipation for this flick first. Basically, I very much fancy Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez and Ashley Benson, and I would love to meet their punces. However, because I’m a fucking big-shot nowadays I doubt I’ll ever bump into any of them at their low-rent, working class parties because I’ll be living it up at some big gala bash in Monaco, spitting out into some A-class thut or something. So I guess the next best thing would be to watch them in a film where they spend the majority of the running time in bikinis. Well, luckily Spring Breakers is that film. That’s why I was excited. (more…)

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Rolling Thunder (1977)

I’ve said this many times before – I LOVE REVENGE FILMS.  I’ve never seen a revenge film that I haven’t liked and I doubt I ever will.  Someone getting fucked over by some fucks then fucking over whichever fucks fucked them over, is fucking brilliant. It also helps that many, many revenge films are 18s – this is because it is against the law to nut about with a hatchet dashing people across the face with it just because they called you a prick that one time.  You know, they don’t want the kids copying that kind of shit.

So, to Rolling Thunder – it was an 18 and it was a revenge film so I knew I’d like it.  It was made in the ’70s, which is cutting it a bit close to the bone, but I didn’t mind.  What I mean by this is that everyone agrees that the ’70s was when films started getting good.  I can state with a steadfast and entirely valid reasoning, that pretty much any film made before the ’70s is an udder full of cocks and bollocks.  There are exceptions of course (Russ Meyer for example), but in the general majority of cases, movies made in the ’60s and before, can suck my stonking tonk bonk-on and fuck off.  But luckily, this was made in 1977 so it’s ok. (more…)

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Super (2010)

“Hey, you should watch Kick-Ass!”

“Why’s that?”

“It’s brilliant!”

“What’s it about?”

“It’s about a kid that wants to be a superhero but he hasn’t got any super-powers!”

“That sounds good!”

“Yeah it’s wicked! Do you want to borrow it on DVD?”

“Yeah ok!”

“I’ve got it with me, here you go!”

“Thanks!”

“That’s ok!”

“Oh.”

“What’s the matter?”

“Oh dear.”

“What are you doing with that baseball bat?”

“Come here.”

“What, why?”

“Because I want to shove this fucking thing up your arse.”

“What? Stop being silly!”

“Bend over, prick.”

[*Shoves baseball bat up prick’s arse and throws DVD under bus*]

“Why did you do that?”

“YOU FUCKING WILL BE. I’LL BE IN MY TRAILER.” (more…)

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