Category Archives: Thriller

Elite Squad: The Enemy Within (2010)

I’d heard a lot about this one; people saying it was brilliant, reviews praising its hard-hitting violence, blogs banging on about how amazing it was, and lastly a woman breaking into my flat and trying to tattoo ‘ELITE SQUAD IS WICKED’ on my dick.

We went out for a bit after that but she had a funny bend in her little finger that I couldn’t stop looking at so I had to ditch her.

Anyway, it turns out everyone was right – it was brilliant, it did include hard-hitting violence, it was amazing and it was WICKED.

It’s basically about this bloke that looks like Mark Ruffalo but isn’t Mark Ruffalo who’s some big-shot policeman or some shit, and he’s in charge of handling this prison riot at the beginning, but he fucks it up because some elite cop with a big gun shoots a prisoner and then it’s all over the news.  So some people hate him, like his ex-wife’s new husband who’s this human rights campaigner, but the public love him because he was in charge when a so-called ‘scumbag’ was shot, so he’s promoted.  If shooting people at work got you promoted in England, I would be sparking scumbags left right and motherfucking centre.  Unfortunately, you have to ‘work hard’ or some crazy ass bollocks, if you want to move up the ‘ladder’ or some stupid shit like that. (more…)

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Drive (2011)

I have already reviewed the 1997 Drive on this website, and although the 2011 Drive vibrated my arse-cheeks faster than my dick in a blender, the 1997 Drive still remains my favourite film ever.  That is not, I REPEAT, NOT, to say that the 2011 Drive should be dismissed in any capacity.  Think of it as 1997 Drive’s less attractive sister that you would nonetheless still penetrate.  Don’t even get me started on a threesome.

So as you can tell, I fucking loved Drive.  I suppose I better tell you why.

Drive is about this bloke who drives cars and does stunts and shit for the movies.  He’s already pretty cool.  However, at night he moonlights as a getaway driver.  He’s now much cooler than you and all your shit mates put together. Then he gets involved with a right fitty who lives next door.  He’s now so cool he can put ice cubes up his bum and they don’t even melt.  Then it turns out he’s extremely proficient in the art of fucking kicking people’s heads in in elevators.  He’s so cool now that if you touch him you’ll freeze and your balls will retract so quickly you’ll sick up two little frozen purple peas and your willy will shrink so quickly a bird will start attacking your bell-end because it thinks it’s a tiny snail.

Basically, he’s FUCKING COOL. (more…)

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Frightfest Preview (Day 2)

Rogue River

No, not a film about a river that can absorb other rivers’ powers just by touching them – it’s actually a film about a weird bloke that likes to watch people sleep.  I’m the opposite – I like to watch people while I sleep, it properly freaks them out.  Anyway, he doesn’t just watch people sleep, because judging by the trailer, he also likes to kill people.

This doesn’t look like anything too original, but it does look pretty good, and besides, it’s got Bill Moseley in it.  And he’s playing a weirdo.  He’s just about one of the best actors in the biz at playing a weirdo.

Apart from Nicole Kidman.

Excitement Rating: As excited as I would be waiting in a queue in the cinema for a film called Rogue River.

(more…)

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Ghosted (2011)

So, as you can see below, I recently watched Death Warrant and it got my bum hairs in a state of emergency.  I really liked it.  I was on a high.  It was a prison movie.  You could say I was on a ‘prison movie high’.  I wanted to carry on this high.  So I decided to watch another prison movie.  I chose Ghosted.

FUCKING HELL THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

That high was brought down to earth quicker than my massive bollocks when I take off my boxers.

Let’s get this straight – Ghosted was very good and I enjoyed it, but my God was it depressing.  I mean seriously depressing.  Obviously prison isn’t fun, but I’d just seen Death Warrant, so obviously prison is fun.  NAT in this case it ain’t, buddy.  We’ve got stabbing, bumming, shower-rape, arson, murdered sons, beatings, more stabbings, suicide, estranged wives, solitary confinement, even more stabbing and then by the love of all that is shit-covered and packed up the arse with unbearable despair the most depressing last act you’re likely to encounter this year.

(more…)

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Death Warrant (1990)

If you’re a regular reader of this site (i.e a legend) then you’ll know that I bloody love Jean-Claude Van Damme.  If you’re not (i.e a cunt), then you can fuck off.

Basically, for some reason I had not seen Death Warrant – this rocked me to my very core.  My life was completely lacking.  Nothing was complete.  Meaningless sex with perfect 10s and legendary frozen vodka eating championships were the only distractions.  It was always there, at the back of my head, popping in and out intermittently to wind me the fuck up.

But all that is over now – I have seen Death Warrant.

I bought it on one of my hungover Play.com shopping sprees.  I do this quite often, and it’s the same every time – I’ll be checking my emails one day when I’ll see an email saying “Your Play.com order has been posted” to which I’ll always respond, “When the fuck was I on Play.com and what the fuck did I order?”  It’s fun though, because I don’t open the emails, I just wait until the DVDs come through the door – it’s always a nice surprise.  So when Death Warrant came through the door I was ecstatic.  My willy span around so fast that I flew through the ceiling and landed in the back garden.  Impaled a poor squirrel right through its arse too.

Serves it right for parading that sweet, furry tushy about the place like it’s some sort of supermodel.

Anyway, this is a review, so let’s get down to business:

Death Warrant is about this bloke called Jean-Claude Van Damme (I think) who goes undercover at this prison because some nutcase is stabbing inmates in the back of the head with an ice-pick.  Basically, he’s gotta pose as a prisoner and investigate all the dodgy goings on without getting found out or fucking killed by this absolute psycho who turns up from Van Damme’s past. (more…)

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Cell 211 (2009)

So I quite like prison movies and –

“Why haven’t you seen Death Warrant then you fucking dick?”

“Well I bought it the other day you pillock”

– so I was quite looking forward to this one.  Mainly because it’s set in a prison and it’s also a film.

Cell 211 is a prison film (see above) about some bloke called Juan who’s going to work at a prison, but because he’s a right brown-noser, he decides to turn up a day early so that he can have a look around the prison and show his future-colleagues what a snooty swot he is.  BUT THAT’LL TEACH HIM FOR BEING A GEEK because something falls from the ceiling and knocks him out.  So the two guards that are with him put him inside an empty cell and call for the doctor.  Bad move though fellas, because a massive fuck-off riot has just kicked off and the guards have made like Li and Jetted.

So basically, Juan is up piss shit without a fuck (I think that’s the saying) and has to pretend to be a prisoner so that everyone doesn’t bum him or something.  He does this by telling everyone he’s a murderer and cussing the main prison nutcase, which luckily works.  However, it’s not all smooth sailing because people start to suspect things, the guards outside threaten to compromise his position and also, his pregnant wife is caught up in another riot outside the prison gates. (more…)

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The Man From Nowhere (2010)

I watch a lot of shit films.  I mean A LOT.  Some of them are so shit I get confused when I see the DVD case on my bed because I think I’ve shat there so I try and clean it up with disinfectant and I go and have a shower.

However, the above point is fucking moot as I have just seen The Man From Nowhere and I’ll tell you something for free – IT WAS NOT SHIT.  It was instead, absolutely fucking amazing.

Ever since I saw the trailer, I knew it was going to be good – it was a revenge film after all.  I knew this because I have never seen a revenge film that I haven’t liked.  So revenge plus a good trailer equals fucking good in my opinion.  A few pairs of tits wouldn’t have gone amiss but you can’t have it all can you?

(more…)

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Brotherhood (2010)

“Right, so in order to belong to this fraternity, I have to rob this convenience store?  Ok, I really want to risk getting put in jail and ruining my life just so that I can hang out with a load of massive douchebags – worth it.  Ok, here goes.  Ooops, someone’s got shot.  Oh no, the police are here.  Oh, everyone knows the policeman.  Oh, there’s a car crash.  Oh, there’s another massive coincidence to do with someone else from someone’s past.  Oh, and another one.  Things are spiralling massively out of control.  Actually, this is going so far up shit creek it’s positively unbelievable.  LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE SHOUTING AT ME.  Probably wasn’t worth it to be honest.  Oh, everything is finished and wrapped up in 76 minutes.  PHEW!”

There’s the plot to Brotherhood in a nutsack I mean nutshell.

It’s one of those films where a plan goes wrong at the beginning and this sparks off a chain of events that quickly spirals into an impossible storm of shit and bollocks.  And although this impossible storm of shit and bollocks (original title for Twister) is highly improbable to an almost ludicrous degree, Brotherhood was still fucking good.

Q. What’s the best part of a bee?

A. Its fucking knees.

(more…)

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This film looks like it might be ok…

And by ‘ok’ I mean sodding mint.

And by ‘sodding mint’ I mean holy shit this film’s going to be sodding mint.

And by ‘holy shit this film’s going to be sodding mint’ I mean shit me, look how sodding mint this fucker’s going to be – I’d shag it if it were a woman.

And by ‘shit me, look how sodding mint this fucker’s going to be – I’d shag it if it were a woman’ I mean FUCK ALL OF THAT OTHER SHIT YO, THIS FILM’S GOING TO BE SO SODDING MINT AND FIT IF IT WERE A WOMAN I MIGHT AS WELL MARRY IT RIGHT HERE ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

And by ‘MARRY’ I mean ‘FUCK’.

See if you don’t agree:

If you don’t agree, well, you can give me back my mini Pepperamis you nutcase.

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Final Cut (1998)

I’m not going to properly review this film because it’s a bit old and it wasn’t good enough for me to review as a ‘classic’ 18 – I’m trying to keep ahead of the times and shit here.  Don’t want to be reviewing little known films from the 90s that weren’t that great do I?  However, Final Cut had one of the best ‘reading aloud a letter that has been delivered to a person’s front door’ scenes I’ve ever seen.

I’ve just spent ages trying to find a video clip of the scene but I got waylaid by porn, sorry.  Anyway, I couldn’t find one.  Either way, it goes something like this:

Dear Big Tits,

If you don’t stop your poxy little dog from shitting on my front lawn I’ll cut its fucking bollocks off and shove them straight up your pussy which you’ll probably enjoy.

EEE BY GUM I TELL YOU IT WERE REET FUNNY I WOUND IT BACK AND WATCHED IT AGAIN DINT I?

I suppose just for posterity I’ll give the movie a score – 5 18s out of 10 (many, many extra points for the endless swearing)

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