Category Archives: 18 Related Anecdotes

Gone Girl Twist List

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I just saw Gone Girl and Jesus M Christ on a Snakeboard, did it have a lot of twists in it. I couldn’t believe the hairs on my goochy gooch gooch, sheesh. But seeing as the film was a bit long and slow and I know what you lot are like, I thought I’d just list all of the spoilers here for you instead, so that you don’t need to watch it. Now you’ve got time to go and watch a Jeff Speakman movie or something instead. You don’t need to thank me.

Here are the twists in full:

  • Amy (the ‘Gone Girl’) is not actually called Amy. She is called Rosamund.
  • Likewise for her husband. His name is not Nick, it is Batman.
  • She never actually ‘goes’ anywhere, because we keep seeing her throughout the film even though she was supposed to go missing at the beginning.
  • Ben Affleck.
  • It is not actually based on a book, because if that were the case, then how come David Fincher didn’t see the twist coming? If there was a book, he would have known the ending and there would have been no point in making the film.
  • Regardless of what the trailers for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may have you believe, there are actually no ‘teenage mutant ninja turtles’ in Gone Girl.
  • Bruce Willis is a ghost.
  • Emily Ratajkowski has a boyfriend. It is me. Don’t ask her about me though, she’ll probably say I don’t exist. That’s so Emily.
  • Keyser Soze is a ghost.
  • I am typing this naked.
  • Rosamund is actually the murderer, only she did the murders from beyond the grave, using electricity to make the showers go extra hot and set fire to people.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow’s head is a ghost.
  • Hiding within the cleft in Ben Affleck’s chin is a miniature cunt.

N.B I have not seen Gone Girl.

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A Blow-By-Blow Account Of The First Time I Watched The John Wick Trailer

I recently watched the best trailer I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s for Keanu Reeves’ new film, called John Wick. Here’s the trailer, but I’d warn you, don’t watch it if anything flammable is near because it’ll heat your arsehole to boiling point. IT’S FUCKING AMAZING.

Are you ok? Do you need me to call you an ambulance? Or a cleaner? I bet there’s shit everywhere. In case you were interested, here were my thoughts during the first time I watched the trailer:

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HAHAHAHAHA I DIDN’T GO TO FRIGHTFEST

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So, for the first time in six years, I didn’t go to Frightfest. That’s a shit of the highest weight and circumference. What a cod of turds. I won’t go into the reasons why but it annoyed my pants all the way right up into my bum, all the way through my intestines, through my stomach, up my gullet and then right out of my mouth and into the face of the audience who were watching my magic show. Couldn’t have asked for better timing to be honest.

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Frightfest: Are They 18s?

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As you all know, it’s Frightfest coming up in August, and obviously I’m going. OBVIOUSLY. Why wouldn’t I? Where else can you watch bare decent horror films and then also go for a swift bang in the bogs in the interim? Yes, ONE other place – my house. Well, flat. Well, shed. Well, my mate’s shed.

However, and for some reason I can’t quite fathom, sometimes they show films which aren’t 18s. This blows my tiny little knob – it’s insane. Luckily, they do quite well in showing a bunch of genuinely good 18s, too. So what I thought I’d do is do a bit of research to try and find out which ones are 18s and which ones aren’t so that then you know which ones to go and see and which ones to hurl faeces at.

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I Only Watch 18s Mithers The BBFC: Part III

So in my ongoing quest to become best friends with the BBFC, I’ve gone and sent them another email. They’re really good at answering emails, which is more to be said than my ex-girlfriend, who hasn’t answered any of the 40 emails I sent her yesterday. Frigid.

Anyway, I had a burning question in my loins, and I needed it answered before it set fire to my pubes, heated all the cum in my bollocks and sent a molten hot plume of deadly jizz through the letterbox. So here’s my email (click to enlarge):

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It’s an important query, I think you’ll agree. Well, the lovely Debbie at the BBFC replied, and thus extinguished the inferno at the base of my penis. Here’s her answer:

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OI GET YOUR BUMS DOWN TO WATCH THEY LIVE WITH ME

In case you’ve been living on planet ballsack for the past three months, I’m here to let you know about my monthly film night YET AGAIN. This month I’m showing They Live at The Exhibit Cinema in Balham, and it’s gonna be peng, obviously.

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You get to watch a decent film, you get an exclusive intro movie from ME (FUCKING ME) and you’ll get a nice free poster too. Specifically, this one: (more…)

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I Only Watch 18s Mithers The BBFC: Part II

So you’ll all probably remember a while back when I emailed the BBFC to address my concern about having recently watched a 15 with an erection in it (I had mistakenly believed it was an 18).

Well, I sent another email to them the other day because I couldn’t stop thinking about a problem that had entered my mind whilst sitting on the toilet (it was unrelated to shitting btw – it just so happened that I was doing that when I thought about it). Here’s the email (click on it to enlarge):

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It’s an interesting question right? WELL IT IS TO ME.

Anyway, the helpful lot at the BBFC answered my question – here’s their response:

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Another from the FRONT Magazine archives

HEY YOU WANKERS/TWATS/ARSEHOLES/FRIENDS! What are you up to at the moment? Picking Fruit Pastilles out of your vagina? Putting spaghetti down your bellend? Exactly. You should be doing something more constructive with your time, like reading the following awesome article written by me. It was featured in FRONT Magazine back when it was the best thing on planet earth, and is titled LIFE LESSONS FROM ACTION HEROES. Basically, it’ll tell you all you need to know about being an absolute legend in life. You know, like I fucking am.

Click on the piccy-wiccys to enlarge.

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Now, go forth and be LEGENDS.

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The BBFC replied to my email

So a while back I sent the following email to the BBFC (click on it to enlarge):

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And they’ve only fucking replied! Here’s their answer in full:

Dear I Only Watch 18s,

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I WANT ANSWERS

I saw Under The Skin before it had been classified and I walked out sure that it would be an 18 and so told everyone that I’d seen it. I even included it in my Review of 2013. However, it’s been classified a 15 and so now I look like a pillock. This does not make me happy.

Why was I sure it would be an 18? Well, because it contains numerous visible erections. This is instant 18 territory right? Well, who knows? Did the BBFC miss them? I intend to find out, so I sent the following email to the BBFC:

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Click to enlarge

I’ll let you know when I get an answer. IMAGINE IF THEY’D DONE IT WRONG AND I CAUSED IT TO BE RECLASSIFIED. I’D BE A HERO.

I mean I already am a hero, but I would be EVEN MORE of one.

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