Category Archives: 18 Related Anecdotes

You’re invited to the very first I Only Watch 18s Movie Night!

iow18s

You know Thursdays yeah? Bit shit normally aren’t they? Not as good as Fridays and definitely not as good as Saturdays. WELL NOT FOR LONG BECAUSE THEY’LL BE THE BEST DAY OF THE FUCKING WEEK IN A MINUTE. Well, a number of minutes anyway – quite a lot in fact, you know, about three weeks worth of minutes. The reason for this is because I’m holding my first movie night ON A THURSDAY in March. The 20th March to be precise.

It’s going to be held at The Exhibit Cinema/Bar/Restaurant in Balham, which is the tits, in case you were wondering. Like watching films on a big screen FROM BIG LEATHER SOFAS? The Exhibit is the place for you then. Not only that, but the legends at Brewdog are sponsoring the event, so you can have a load of beer to drink whilst watching a sweet 18! This sounds good right? THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS.

But there’s more! You’ll also get a nice keepsake to take home with you – one of my very special extra-exclusive movie posters, complete with my review on the back (if you like reading).

So get your arse down to The Exhibit on 20th March to watch THE RAID – one of the best action films you’re ever likely to see, and drink some Brewdog, chat up some hotties and maybe get lucky after the show. The Exhibit are also putting on a sweet discounted dinner and a movie deal so you can grab some munch in their awesome American diner before watching the film.

A dinner and movie ticket will cost £15.90 (bargain – the food is amazing) and a standard ticket will be £7. The film starts at 8, so if you want some nyam, get down earlier, obviously. This is going to be fucking great. You might even get an extra-special pre-movie message from yours truly.

Anyway, gtg cos I’m so excited that I feel a harsh bout of diarrhoea brewing. SEE YOU IN MARCH!

To buy tickets, call the Exhibit cinema on 0208 772 6556.

Awesome poster courtesy of Mike McCabe: http://cargocollective.com/mikemccabe.

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Everything Is Better As An 18: The Shawshank Redemption

Haha, yeah, The ‘Shawshank’ Redemption, haha yeah, yeah great film there guys. ETC. I have a particular vendetta against this film because it’s a Stephen King film but it’s not a horror – good luck trying to convince me that I want to see that. Christ.

Anyway, it’s shit so I’ve made it better:

shawshankYeah? YEAH? YEAH.

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Everything is better as an 18

Hey everyone/you wankers, it’s time for a new feature here at I Only Watch 18s: Everything Is Better As An 18! Have you ever wondered how much better every single film would be if it was an 18? You should wonder, you fuckers, because if you don’t, you’ll never know. Or something.

To prove my point, I feel it my duty to go through the mire that is the world of non-18 flicks, and rewrite a key scene of my choosing in a style more befitting of an 18-rated movie. This will fucking PROVE that I am right about everything. Well most things anyway – I wasn’t right in thinking that eating that raw steak in the middle of the road wearing just a hi-vis jacket whilst singing Alphabeat’s Fascination the other day was a good idea. But most things I definitely am right about. Like the size of my penis – it is MASSIVE. Well most of the time – it went pretty small when the police tazered me during the whole naked steak incident the other day anyway.

So for my first one, I thought I’d pick The Truman Show. It sounds like a crock of shit to me – if his whole life is being filmed, then how come we never see him do anything, you know, private?

truman2

I THINK WE’RE ALL IN AGREEMENT ABOUT THE VALIDITY OF MY FUCKING ARGUMENT NOW AREN’T WE?

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The I Only Watch 18s Mega Oscars Post 2014

You’ve been waiting with (master)baited breath for a whole year, but the time has finally come once more! Yes, correct, it’s my round-up of all the cock-swipe and shit-drop that’s gonna be up for fucking Oscars this year! I HATE THE OSCARS and you should too – they mean nothing and if you like them then I’ll wedgie you so hard that I’ll cleave you in two. Anyway, I suppose I had better get down to business – I hope you’re covered in asbestos BECAUSE THERE’S GONNA BE A HELL OF A LOT OF BURNS COMING YOUR WAY! ZINGZAMMAZOOM!

Best Picture

American Hustle – Oh, I thought giving an Oscar to a film because it had good wigs in it was meant for the make-up category, not the main fucking feature? They’re not even good ones – they look like shit:

“And the Oscar for shittest hair goes to American Hustle!”

“Thank you so much! I’d like to thank chlorine, hair-straighteners and Trichotillomania for helping us towards our goal! We did it!”

Captain Phillips – Yet another fucking sequel to that Pirates Of The Caribbean nonsense – Christ, I’ve had enough of this shit. Movies based on theme park rides? This shit passes for actual ideas in Hollywood? If you’re gonna make a movie out of a ride, at least go with something stimulating like Sybian: The Movie or some shit. Sheesh.

Dallas Buyers Club – Movie spin-offs are rarely good (props to The Inbetweeners Movie though – the 18-rated Blu-Ray version only, obviously), so doing a film adaptation of some fucking 80s sitcom about wide-brimmed hats is a fucking stupid idea. Remember 21 Bum Street or whatever it was called? That was a crock of the utmost toss wasn’t it? Who shot JR? Who cares? Who farted?

Gravity – I’m not entirely sure what this film is about but if they’ve made a feature-length film about some cunt getting hit on the head with an apple then I’ll go apeshit.

Her – This is the one about the bloke that fucks his iPad right? Yeah good idea, but if you’re not actually gonna show any human/tablet penetration then what’s the fucking point? It’d be as pointless as buying an iPad and not fucking it.

Nebraska – I just went on Wikipedia to try and find out what this was about but as I was waiting for my page to load (the dial-up in these woods is shit) I caught sight of a rogue Peperami looking at me from the shower so I went and ate that instead. I sucked the shit out of the inner wrapper too – some say that’s the best bit. I say. I SAY IT.

Philomena – You don’t wait years for an Alan Partridge movie and then two come at fucking once. I’ve not seen the TV show so good luck persuading me to watch a film version – let alone TWO. You’d have better luck trying to get me to eat a vegetarian meal. Hint: your chances of succeeding greatly rely on whether cheese is involved or not.

12 Years a Slave – I don’t like depressing 18s, so FUCK depressing 15s.

“Oh, do you want to pay £10 for an ‘experience?'”

“Well what does this ‘experience’ entail?”

“Well, you pay the money, someone makes you cry and then you leave.”

“Naa, YOU’RE ALRIGHT MATE.”

The Wolf of Wall Street – YES THIS SHOULD WIN THE OSCAR FOR BEST THING.

o-WOLF-OF-WALL-STREET-TRAILER-facebook

Yes correct, Leo. You should celebrate – you’ve fucking won.

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R.I.P Drive (1998): The End Of An Era

drive-cover

So as you all know, my favourite film of all time is Drive. No, not that one, the other one. The one from 1998 starring Mark Dacascos and Kadeem Hardison. If you want to know why, then read my original review here. I have also talked about it here (and if you fancy reading about what I think of the Gosling Drive, why not click here?). So yeah, I fucking like Drive (1998).

BUT NOT ANY FUCKING MORE, BOZO.

Wanna know why?

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I wrote a fucking song about Sudden Death

Van Damme Is In A Film Called Sudden Death

I’M A BIG LEGEND AND I LOVE VAN DAMME
I LIKE HIS KICKS THEY GO WHAM BAM
HIS FILMS ARE WICKED, THEY ARE HYPE
AND IF YOU LIKE THEM TOO THEN WE SHOULD SKYPE
SUDDEN DEATH IS ONE OF THE BEST
WHEN I WATCH IT I HAVE TO WEAR A VEST
COS I GET EXCITED AND START TO SWEAT
PEOPLE SAY THAT SNAKE IS DROWNING, CALL A VET
DON’T WORRY THOUGH,IT’S JUST MY SWEATY DICK
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT, BACK TO THE FLICK
VAN DAMME BRINGS THE HEAT – HE’S A FIREMAN
IN CHARGE OF A STADIUM THAT COMES UNDER FIRE, MAN
LUCKILY HE’S A FUCKING HARD TWAT
SO SOON BAD GUYS ARE HITTING THE MAT
LIKE ONE WHO’S DRESSED AS A GIANT PENGUIN
A FIGHT ENSUES AND VAN DAMME GETS A PENG WIN
THE BIG BAD IS PLAYED BY POWERS BOOTHE
HE’S GOT A LENG NAME AND HE’S WELL SMOOTH
SHAME HE DIDN’T BANK ON VAN DAMME BEING THERE
SO HE GETS WELL AGGS AND PULLS OUT HIS HAIR
COS HIS BOMBS JEAN-CLAUDE IS DIFFUSING
AMIDST ALL OF THE HENCHMEN BRUISING
HE’S PRETTY WORRIED THAT HE’S GONNA LOSE
SO OUT OF HIS BUM ARE COMING POOS
YOU CAN ALL GUESS WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END
SO I’LL LEAVE IT THERE, MY FRIEND
BESIDES, ALL THIS RHYMING IS SENDING ME BARMY
UP MY ARSE I’VE JUST STUCK A PEPERAMI
I’M GONNA GO NOW COS I’M A DRAWING A BLANK
SEE YA LATER, GONNA GO HAVE A

WANK

Screamed to the tune of “Van Damme is in a Film Called Sudden Death”

van-damme-31

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HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY YOU FUCKING DIVS!!!

So it’s Valentine’s Day today and guess what? I’m single. No surprises there. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t be indulging in a debauched round of rooting with whichever lucky female gets to see my willy tonight. Now, there will be some of you out there that won’t be doing any sexing this evening and to you I say “FUCK OFF, YOU WILL FIND NOTHING OF PURPOSE IN THIS POST” but to the other legends like me that will be slotting their chute into a mint punce, come right in.

Basically, I’m going to attempt to spice up your boring-as-not-even-a-fuck sex lives. I’m going to share a couple of my tried and tested (and some I haven’t) movie-based sex-positions with you. This is top secret knowledge and only those privy to the best website on planet Earth shall be able to see it – THAT’S YOU LOT. So get ready to increase the quality of your sex life by approximately 3546%.

I’ve included all the diagrams and such after the jump because they are, as you have come to expect of me, fucking NSFW. (more…)

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UNBELIEVABLE EXCLUSIVE!! BRACE YOUR ANUSES!!

So, as I’ve told you here and here, The Raid was my favourite film of last year – it came into my house, pulled my trousers down, ripped my dick off and threw it into the sun.

Well, they announced a sequel a while back, the news of which came into my house, pulled my trousers down, ripped my bum off and threw it into the moon.

But then that was that, no more news. UNTIL THE OTHER DAY THAT IS. I noticed a couple of websites coming into my house, pulling my trousers down, ripping my bollocks off and throwing them into another planet or star or some shit I don’t care fuck.

This was because they had a load of new stills from The Raid 2! WHAT GREAT NEWS. Well if you haven’t seen them, here are THE BEST ones! I bet you’re excited!! They’re insane!! (more…)

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The I Only Watch 18s Mega Oscars Post 2013

So I was having a shit the other day and I got wind (I GOT WIND) of news that the Oscar nominations had been announced and to cut a long story short, this did not disrupt my shit in any way shape or form and I carried on as normal and afterwards went about my day as if nothing noteworthy had happened.

THIS IS BECAUSE I AM NOT FUCKING BOTHERED ABOUT THE SODDING OSCAR NOMINATIONS.

However, I run a movie website so as it’s been in the past, it’s up to me to keep abreast (KEEP A BREAST) of everything that’s happening in the movie world. So I guess I’ll have to go ahead and fucking list the nominations and tell them all to fuck off and die etc.

 

Brace yourselves for a torrent of shit

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I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year

It’s not been the best year for 18s. That’s because most of the good 18s that I watched this year were from the ’80s and shit – hardly any new, good 18s came out in 2012. It’s like this every year – just as I’m feeling really good and happy and about to lick the breast milk popsicle that I’ve made and waited a week to create, I’ll get wind of some new fucking Twilight film and it’s off down to the bottle bank to anally ingest some broken bottles whilst giving my gooch numerous paper cuts.

Either way, I’ve watched some good 18s, seen some choice fronks, peeped a cup of cush punces and had a sock load of ace wanks (literally). So I thought that to commemorate the phenom – I’d run through a list of the main things that have happened in the world of 18-rated films this year and wack a nice set of gruff swearwords over the top of them. FUCK.

FAVOURITE FILM OF 2012

I suppose it’s got to be The Raid hasn’t it? I gave it 10 18s out of 10 in my original review and I stand by that every time I watch it on a portable TV duct taped to my head going over a bungee jump – it’s fucking sweet. (more…)

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