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Category Archives: 18s
I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2015
So, here we are again. I posted a total of two articles on this website in 2015, and I think you’ll agree, that’s pretty fucking amazing work on my side. To fit writing two (admittedly fantastic) posts in between all the relentless shagging, fisting and drinking that I’ve done over the past year, is an achievement not seen since they built the fucking pyramids. And who gives a shit about pyramids anymore? I certainly don’t, unless their sides are cut off, they’re all laid in a row and then covered in chocolate.
A Toblerone. A Toblerone is what I’m talking about here. They look a bit like pyramids or something. I don’t know, I’m not thinking straight. That’s because I’m shagging right now. Well, ‘shagging’, anyway. And by that, I mean ‘wanking’. And by that, I mean ‘crying’.
Anyway, there were loads of great films released in 2015, and I saw a lot of them. And as I have done on this site in the past, I’m going to gift them some less-than-arbitrary awards that I’m sure those involved will be most happy about. You can see them now, dancing about their living rooms in pure joy – well, maybe you can’t, but I’ve got cameras set up in their houses, so I can.
Here are the awards:
FAVOURITE 18
Bone Tomahawk
Now, there were two 18 westerns starring Kurt Russell made in 2015, and one of them got all the glory. That’s because one of them was directed by Quentin Tarantino, and we all know how mental everybody goes when his name is mentioned. Naked in Waitrose at the deli counter mental, that’s how they go. The Hateful Eight was alright, but it was too long and there wasn’t enough action in it – if I wanted to watch eight people talking and keeping secrets from each other for three hours, then I’d actually attend my AA meetings.
The other western that was much, much better was Bone Tomahawk. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s a hell of a lot of talking in this one, too, but there are two clear differences. One, they’re talking whilst walking, which makes things 100% more bearable, and two, what happens at the end is worth the longest wait in the world. Even longer than the wait you have to endure at the Tesco salad bar when all you want is the cheese cubes and pickled onions at the end.
Bone Tomahawk kicks off in such a big way in the last half an hour that it’s hard to believe. It needs to be witnessed by anyone with even a passing interest in genital trauma. Also, Kurt Russell is much more of a badass in this than he is in Eight.
Also, I noticed something else shit in The Hateful Eight: when one of the main characters* is killed, the squibs go off in the wrong order (or the shooter points the gun in the wrong order) and that is unforgivable – I thought Tarantino was a perfectionist.
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I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2014
IF YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT THAT IT’S ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH JANUARY AND I’VE ONLY JUST DONE MY REVIEW OF THE YEAR THEN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR WHINING SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU ABSOLUTE PRINCE.
Anyway, here we go:
FAVOURITE FILM
The Raid 2
Yeah, so this one was probably pretty obvious from my initial review. Nothing really came close to beating The Raid 2 this year – I mean, I can’t even think of one film that had as many hammers and baseball bats in it. For sheer unadulterated mayhem, you’d be hard pressed to find anything more frantic, save for watching me when I hear the doorbell ring when I’m having a wank.
The Raid 2 contains, hands-down one of the best martial arts fight sequences I’ve ever seen. That fucking fight in the kitchen had me so far on the edge of my seat that I was practically in front of the screen (much to the annoyance of all the other patrons). It’s just SO FUCKING GOOD, and I doubt I’ll see it beaten. Until The Raid 3: This Time You’ll Shit Yourself comes out anyway. Gareth Evans is a high ledge and I want to have a drink with him. Hope he’s up for fingering some girls though, because drinking always turns into that. Even when it’s just Sprite.
SHITTEST 18
Nymphomaniac
Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a good look at some tits and/or gashes, and now and again I may even “stumble” upon a video of a nice big dick going in and out of one or the other – sue me. So when I heard about Nymphomaniac I was all ears. And dicks.
Shame then, that it spent about five hours and all we saw were like five different sets of tits and even less minges. Seriously, this film did nat need to be in two parts – especially when there were that many terrible British accents being bandied about the place like a bunch of, erm, bands or something. Shia Laboeuf (who was in that film about the talking cars or something – Cars I think it was called) needs to go down in history along with Dick Van Dyke and Charlie Hunnam (Green Street) as committing one of the worst accents to film since that time I pretended to be French for my Take Me Out audition video.
Overall, the film is so far up its own arse, that it can’t even see its own arse anymore. We can though. And it’s covered in SHIT.
Posted in 18s, Action, Horror, Reviews, Thriller
Tagged emily ratajkowski, gone girl, hatchet iii, iko uwais, nymphomaniac, patrick: evil awakens, paz de la huerta, sharni vinson, the raid 2, wrong turn, wrong turn 6
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Gone Girl Twist List
I just saw Gone Girl and Jesus M Christ on a Snakeboard, did it have a lot of twists in it. I couldn’t believe the hairs on my goochy gooch gooch, sheesh. But seeing as the film was a bit long and slow and I know what you lot are like, I thought I’d just list all of the spoilers here for you instead, so that you don’t need to watch it. Now you’ve got time to go and watch a Jeff Speakman movie or something instead. You don’t need to thank me.
Here are the twists in full:
- Amy (the ‘Gone Girl’) is not actually called Amy. She is called Rosamund.
- Likewise for her husband. His name is not Nick, it is Batman.
- She never actually ‘goes’ anywhere, because we keep seeing her throughout the film even though she was supposed to go missing at the beginning.
- Ben Affleck.
- It is not actually based on a book, because if that were the case, then how come David Fincher didn’t see the twist coming? If there was a book, he would have known the ending and there would have been no point in making the film.
- Regardless of what the trailers for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may have you believe, there are actually no ‘teenage mutant ninja turtles’ in Gone Girl.
- Bruce Willis is a ghost.
- Emily Ratajkowski has a boyfriend. It is me. Don’t ask her about me though, she’ll probably say I don’t exist. That’s so Emily.
- Keyser Soze is a ghost.
- I am typing this naked.
- Rosamund is actually the murderer, only she did the murders from beyond the grave, using electricity to make the showers go extra hot and set fire to people.
- Gwyneth Paltrow’s head is a ghost.
- Hiding within the cleft in Ben Affleck’s chin is a miniature cunt.
N.B I have not seen Gone Girl.
Posted in 18 Related Anecdotes, 18s, Thriller
Tagged ben affleck, david fincher, gone girl, rosamund pike
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Classic 18: They Live (1988)
I like wearing sunglasses because they make me look all cool and wicked and hard and that. I also like wearing them because you can look at girls’ bums without them knowing what you’re doing. Unless of course you start to look at their bum whilst they’re talking to you – in that case, it becomes pretty clear as to what you’re doing, because you actively have to walk behind them. Things get complicated whenever I’m wearing sunglasses, is what I’m trying to say, ok?
But not as complicated as they get for professional wrestler-turned bubblegum-enthusiast, Roddy Piper in They Live. Why? You ask. Well, because when he puts on his cool pair of sunglasses, he realises that the entire world is being run by aliens and that everything the public sees and hears is sinister subliminal messaging designed to brainwash their minds. Also, he suddenly realises that he doesn’t look as decent as me.
That’s because they’re MAGIC sunglasses, or something. Either way, when you put them on, you can see through the aliens’ human disguises – basically they look like your Mum. Well ugly and gross and I bet they stink, too. Ok, you can’t actually smell what’s going on on screen so I can’t vouch for their stink, but if they smell as much as your Mum as they look like her, then they’ll absolutely grim. Your Mum grims.
I Only Watch 18s Mithers The BBFC: Part II
So you’ll all probably remember a while back when I emailed the BBFC to address my concern about having recently watched a 15 with an erection in it (I had mistakenly believed it was an 18).
Well, I sent another email to them the other day because I couldn’t stop thinking about a problem that had entered my mind whilst sitting on the toilet (it was unrelated to shitting btw – it just so happened that I was doing that when I thought about it). Here’s the email (click on it to enlarge):
It’s an interesting question right? WELL IT IS TO ME.
Anyway, the helpful lot at the BBFC answered my question – here’s their response:
Classic 18: Commando (1985)
It’s no secret how much I love Arnold Schwarzenegger – he’s the bee’s bollocks as far as I’m concerned. Fair enough, he’s been in some shit (True Lies, Conan The Barbarian, all the Terminator films, The Expendables 2 for example), but he’s also been in some absolute gems. Gems so shiny you can see your own dick in them. Gems so big and shiny you can see other people’s dicks in them. Gems so big and shiny and sharp that you don’t want to get too close to them otherwise you might cut your dick on them. One of those gems is Commando – Arnold’s role as John Matrix may just be his best.
If you’re unaware of what Commando is about, then not only are you probably wearing a nappy and going “GOO GOO GAA GAA I DUN A POO OUT MY BOTTY WAA WAA WAA”, you’re also a baby. So for all those babies out there, I’ll tell you what it’s about.
Arnold’s daughter is kidnapped and so he has to go and get her.
So it’s sort of a bit like Taken. Or Give Me My Fucking Cheestring Back – only in that one it’s not a daughter that’s been stolen, it’s my fucking Cheestring. Obviously, both those films are amazing and notable for the amount of violence in them, so if you like that sort of thing then you’re most likely going to like Commando.
Stone Cold (1991)
THIS FILM IS FUCKING AMAZING. I feel the need to let everybody know how good it is, so I’ve taken a break from wrapping sellotape around my penis – I’m trying to get the shaft-colour to match the bellend-colour – in order to write this. I’m providing a valuable public service – people need to know about this movie and they need to watch it.
Until recently, I didn’t really know who Brian Bosworth was – but now I do, and I’m fucking happy about it. Brian Bosworth was a professional American Football player who was extremely popular over in America in the ’80s, but obviously I had no idea of this because I do not give three flying turd-corns about American Football. But supposedly he was a big deal.
BIG DEAL, I couldn’t care less – what I could care less about (because I care a lot about it) (so I guess I couldn’t care less because I care so much about it) (I’ve chosen the wrong expression here but I hope you’re all still with me) is the fact that he went into movies soon after. This is where things get interesting, particularly in the case of Stone Cold, because it was his debut film. I for one, can say with the utmost confidence that this is one of THE best debuts in the history of cinema.
Posted in 18s, Action, Reviews
Tagged brian bosworth, lance henriksen, stone cold, william forsythe
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Another from the FRONT Magazine archives
HEY YOU WANKERS/TWATS/ARSEHOLES/FRIENDS! What are you up to at the moment? Picking Fruit Pastilles out of your vagina? Putting spaghetti down your bellend? Exactly. You should be doing something more constructive with your time, like reading the following awesome article written by me. It was featured in FRONT Magazine back when it was the best thing on planet earth, and is titled LIFE LESSONS FROM ACTION HEROES. Basically, it’ll tell you all you need to know about being an absolute legend in life. You know, like I fucking am.
Click on the piccy-wiccys to enlarge.
Now, go forth and be LEGENDS.
There is an 8bit game of The Raid 2 and it’s COOL AS FUCK
If you didn’t know, I loved The Raid 2 (review HERE), so obviously I would love a computer game of it (even though computer games are for nerds). So if you want to play it, head on over here: theraidarcade.com and give it a go.
It seems if you play as Hammer girl it’s the easiest computer game in the history of anything. Although maybe I’m just really good at fucking everything.
The BBFC replied to my email
So a while back I sent the following email to the BBFC (click on it to enlarge):
And they’ve only fucking replied! Here’s their answer in full:
Dear I Only Watch 18s,
Posted in 18 Related Anecdotes, 18s
Tagged bbfc, scarlett johansson, scarlett johansson nude, under the skin
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