Category Archives: 18s

The Raid 2 (2014)

The-Raid-2-Australian-poster_JPG.jpgThe Raid is one of my favourite films in the fucking world, EVER. It’s better than any film you’ve ever made, buster, isn’t it? Your movies are shit. The Raid is not. It’s a stripped-down, straight-to-the-point action /martial arts flick and it blows my nipples through the sodding roof every time I watch it. So needless to say, I was excited about The Raid 2 – the trailer attacked my bum and threw it into the stratosphere, and a hench clip I saw at Frightfest peeled back my foreskin and pinged it back with such force that a window smashed. I was LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, essentially.

And now I’ve seen it. So was it worth the wait?

OF COURSE IT WAS YOU ABSOLUTE PILLOCK.

The Raid 2 was utterly amazing. I don’t know what Gareth Evans is drinking, but I want some of it (Special Brew just isn’t doing it for me at the moment) – he’s a genius. This movie takes the small-scale approach of the first one and spreads it wider than that rude thing I did at the weekend, it’s – although I hate the word – epic. It’s a sprawling, complex crime thriller that just happens to be interspersed with the best fucking fight scenes you’re ever likely to see (until the Raid 3: Your Dick Will Fall Off, presumably).

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Everything Is Better As An 18: The Shawshank Redemption

Haha, yeah, The ‘Shawshank’ Redemption, haha yeah, yeah great film there guys. ETC. I have a particular vendetta against this film because it’s a Stephen King film but it’s not a horror – good luck trying to convince me that I want to see that. Christ.

Anyway, it’s shit so I’ve made it better:

shawshankYeah? YEAH? YEAH.

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The I Only Watch 18s Mega Oscars Post 2014

You’ve been waiting with (master)baited breath for a whole year, but the time has finally come once more! Yes, correct, it’s my round-up of all the cock-swipe and shit-drop that’s gonna be up for fucking Oscars this year! I HATE THE OSCARS and you should too – they mean nothing and if you like them then I’ll wedgie you so hard that I’ll cleave you in two. Anyway, I suppose I had better get down to business – I hope you’re covered in asbestos BECAUSE THERE’S GONNA BE A HELL OF A LOT OF BURNS COMING YOUR WAY! ZINGZAMMAZOOM!

Best Picture

American Hustle – Oh, I thought giving an Oscar to a film because it had good wigs in it was meant for the make-up category, not the main fucking feature? They’re not even good ones – they look like shit:

“And the Oscar for shittest hair goes to American Hustle!”

“Thank you so much! I’d like to thank chlorine, hair-straighteners and Trichotillomania for helping us towards our goal! We did it!”

Captain Phillips – Yet another fucking sequel to that Pirates Of The Caribbean nonsense – Christ, I’ve had enough of this shit. Movies based on theme park rides? This shit passes for actual ideas in Hollywood? If you’re gonna make a movie out of a ride, at least go with something stimulating like Sybian: The Movie or some shit. Sheesh.

Dallas Buyers Club – Movie spin-offs are rarely good (props to The Inbetweeners Movie though – the 18-rated Blu-Ray version only, obviously), so doing a film adaptation of some fucking 80s sitcom about wide-brimmed hats is a fucking stupid idea. Remember 21 Bum Street or whatever it was called? That was a crock of the utmost toss wasn’t it? Who shot JR? Who cares? Who farted?

Gravity – I’m not entirely sure what this film is about but if they’ve made a feature-length film about some cunt getting hit on the head with an apple then I’ll go apeshit.

Her – This is the one about the bloke that fucks his iPad right? Yeah good idea, but if you’re not actually gonna show any human/tablet penetration then what’s the fucking point? It’d be as pointless as buying an iPad and not fucking it.

Nebraska – I just went on Wikipedia to try and find out what this was about but as I was waiting for my page to load (the dial-up in these woods is shit) I caught sight of a rogue Peperami looking at me from the shower so I went and ate that instead. I sucked the shit out of the inner wrapper too – some say that’s the best bit. I say. I SAY IT.

Philomena – You don’t wait years for an Alan Partridge movie and then two come at fucking once. I’ve not seen the TV show so good luck persuading me to watch a film version – let alone TWO. You’d have better luck trying to get me to eat a vegetarian meal. Hint: your chances of succeeding greatly rely on whether cheese is involved or not.

12 Years a Slave – I don’t like depressing 18s, so FUCK depressing 15s.

“Oh, do you want to pay £10 for an ‘experience?'”

“Well what does this ‘experience’ entail?”

“Well, you pay the money, someone makes you cry and then you leave.”

“Naa, YOU’RE ALRIGHT MATE.”

The Wolf of Wall Street – YES THIS SHOULD WIN THE OSCAR FOR BEST THING.

o-WOLF-OF-WALL-STREET-TRAILER-facebook

Yes correct, Leo. You should celebrate – you’ve fucking won.

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R.I.P Drive (1998): The End Of An Era

drive-cover

So as you all know, my favourite film of all time is Drive. No, not that one, the other one. The one from 1998 starring Mark Dacascos and Kadeem Hardison. If you want to know why, then read my original review here. I have also talked about it here (and if you fancy reading about what I think of the Gosling Drive, why not click here?). So yeah, I fucking like Drive (1998).

BUT NOT ANY FUCKING MORE, BOZO.

Wanna know why?

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I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2013

For once, this year was actually relatively good for 18s. Yeah I know, it pulled my foreskin off too! Yeah, we had quite a steady stream of 18s popping up about the shop – mostly horror, but a couple of action ones here and there, which is always appreciated. Another interesting thing was that they weren’t all direct-to-DVD releases, we had a couple of cinematic 18s. I love going to the cinema to watch 18s, the main reason being that you get all the 18 trailers before the actual film. I love 18 trailers. But enough of me rubbing pumice stone into my arse-pulse, let’s get on with the fucking I Only Watch 18s REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013. “You’re gonna need a bigger nappy.”

FAVOURITE FILM OF 2013

Well, this is an easy one isn’t it? It’s got to be V/H/S/2 hasn’t it? Stop asking questions will you? Ok I will if you calm down alright? Sure let’s just get on with this ok? Am I talking to myself? I don’t know, do you? Yes – wait, do I?

Sorry, so yeah, V/H/S/2 – not only the best film I saw this year, but also the one that is the most annoying to type. In case you didn’t know (why don’t you know? What have you been doing? You seriously need to give your wrist a rest sometimes mate, you’re gonna get carpal tunnel or some shit), it’s a portmanteau horror film consisting of a number of found-footage tales. They are ALL good. My favourite one was the one directed by Jason Eisener, of Hobo With A Shotgun Fame, because it scared a thin film of grease right off the end of my bell-end and into the clouds. It’s about an alien abduction, something that is extremely close to my heart after that time I went on a night out and when I woke up there was a test tube up my choddy. The next best is Gareth Evans’ (The Raidinsane day of reckoning-style segment – it’s completely mental and I love it. Like my reflection. This is of course not to say the rest are not that good, because they are – this sequel certainly stepped it up in quality when compared to the original, which itself was pretty darn good anyway.

vhs-2_02

SHITTEST 18 OF 2013

Unfortunately it’s gotta be I Spit On Your Grave 2. I thought the original was good and so was the remake – making a bloke suck his own severed dick was priceless – but this sequel to the remake was very very silly. None of it made any sense and the shit dealt out to the woman was so extreme and lasted soooooo long, which also therefore didn’t leave any time for the good bit – revenge. There was one inspired part (the bit with the bollocks in the vice), but apart from that, even the revenge was wack. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you haven’t had a shower for a week and still can’t be bothered to have one – watch this and you’ll need one straight after, you dirty fucking slob. Your room stinks.

I Spit On Your Grave 2, Set Photography - Day14

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VENDETTA (2013)

vendetta-newIn case you’re one of those weird things that sticks onto rocks in the sea and does fuck-all with your life, then you’ll know that I right like Danny Dyer. Fair enough, he’s been in some SHEEET, but he acknowledges this fact, which is something a lot of actors refuse to do – it’s nice to see a bit of honesty. He’s not trying to fool anyone – he does what he does and I’m happy with that. It helps that a lot of what he does is fucking good too, which is nice.

So to Vendetta – his new flick – is that one of the shit ones or one of the good ones? Well, it’s one of the fucking good ones you pillock. One of the main reasons for this is that it’s a revenge film – I will give four tonne to any smart-arse that can show me a revenge film that I won’t like (providing it’s an 18 of course). Good fucking luck – you won’t be able to do it. Revenge films are the best, because revenge is such a potent emotion – the feeling you get when drop a flaming cat shit down next-door’s chimney because their fucking muggy moggy turded on your sweet flower bed for the fifith time this week, is breathtaking. I love it. (more…)

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I’ve written a script for a found-footage film. Hope you like it.

Found footage films are pretty popular at the moment so I thought I’d fucking write my own one to cash-in. I’m going for a more realistic ‘vibe’ with my version. DON’T FUCKING STEAL IT.
 
scriptscript5

 

There’s not been too much interest in it so far, but early fucking days isn’t it.

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Curse Of Chucky (2013)

Curse-of-Chucky-CoverLook, obviously I haven’t seen all of the Chucky movies, because SOME OF THEM ARE FUCKING 15S AREN’T THEY? However, I have seen all the 18 ones and Bride Of Chucky is fucking reet good ain’t it? It’s funny, gory and if I remember correctly, there are some norks in it. There are also some dolls having sex, which is a type of sex I am very familiar with, so there’s that too. Whoopee whoo.

Now I was worried that Curse Of Chucky might be a 15, what with Seed Of Chucky being one, but luckily it wasn’t. I mean that was seriously lucky, because I saw the film at Frightfest before I even knew what certificate it was. If it had been a 15 then that would have meant that I’d watched a 15 and the only logical and sensible reaction to that news would be to rip my bollocks off and post them to myself and when they came through the letterbox throw them out the fucking window.

But hey girls! I’ve still got my awesome bollocks! Curse Of Chucky is an 18! PIAOW PIAOW PIAOW! But that’s not the only good news – the other good news is that Curse Of Chucky is GREAT. It’s funny, gory and if I remember correctly, there are some norks in it. No doll sex though. Probably a good thing that, I’m trying to wean myself off that shit – it’s bad for my heart. It scares the shit out of me when they pop. (more…)

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Look at these awesome exclusive posters that I found…

So as you’ve obviously all been fucking following, I do a weekly column over at frontarmy.com detailing any wicked 18 that’s on telly on any particular day. Well, because I’m an amazing sleuth (a sleuth with a sluice, some might say*) I’ve been able to uncover these exclusive posters that you won’t find anywhere else…

I SAID EXCLUSIVE. This is some important shit. I mean more exclusive than the entrance to my boxer shorts, only 8,948 girls have ever been granted access to that club.

So I’ve created a new little section on the site (check the menu above) for these EXCLUSIVE posters. See the first one below:

kissdragonposter-640x480

LOOK, JUST SHARE THEM AROUND SO THAT I GET EVEN MORE FUCKING POPULAR THAN I ALREADY AM WHICH IS PRETTY IMPOSSIBLE COME TO THINK OF IT BUT I RECKON TOGETHER WE COULD TRY.

*I am the only person who has said that.
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I wrote a fucking song about Sudden Death

Van Damme Is In A Film Called Sudden Death

I’M A BIG LEGEND AND I LOVE VAN DAMME
I LIKE HIS KICKS THEY GO WHAM BAM
HIS FILMS ARE WICKED, THEY ARE HYPE
AND IF YOU LIKE THEM TOO THEN WE SHOULD SKYPE
SUDDEN DEATH IS ONE OF THE BEST
WHEN I WATCH IT I HAVE TO WEAR A VEST
COS I GET EXCITED AND START TO SWEAT
PEOPLE SAY THAT SNAKE IS DROWNING, CALL A VET
DON’T WORRY THOUGH,IT’S JUST MY SWEATY DICK
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT, BACK TO THE FLICK
VAN DAMME BRINGS THE HEAT – HE’S A FIREMAN
IN CHARGE OF A STADIUM THAT COMES UNDER FIRE, MAN
LUCKILY HE’S A FUCKING HARD TWAT
SO SOON BAD GUYS ARE HITTING THE MAT
LIKE ONE WHO’S DRESSED AS A GIANT PENGUIN
A FIGHT ENSUES AND VAN DAMME GETS A PENG WIN
THE BIG BAD IS PLAYED BY POWERS BOOTHE
HE’S GOT A LENG NAME AND HE’S WELL SMOOTH
SHAME HE DIDN’T BANK ON VAN DAMME BEING THERE
SO HE GETS WELL AGGS AND PULLS OUT HIS HAIR
COS HIS BOMBS JEAN-CLAUDE IS DIFFUSING
AMIDST ALL OF THE HENCHMEN BRUISING
HE’S PRETTY WORRIED THAT HE’S GONNA LOSE
SO OUT OF HIS BUM ARE COMING POOS
YOU CAN ALL GUESS WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END
SO I’LL LEAVE IT THERE, MY FRIEND
BESIDES, ALL THIS RHYMING IS SENDING ME BARMY
UP MY ARSE I’VE JUST STUCK A PEPERAMI
I’M GONNA GO NOW COS I’M A DRAWING A BLANK
SEE YA LATER, GONNA GO HAVE A

WANK

Screamed to the tune of “Van Damme is in a Film Called Sudden Death”

van-damme-31

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