Category Archives: Action

I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2014

IF YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT THAT IT’S ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH JANUARY AND I’VE ONLY JUST DONE MY REVIEW OF THE YEAR THEN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR WHINING SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU ABSOLUTE PRINCE.

Anyway, here we go:

FAVOURITE FILM

The Raid 2

Yeah, so this one was probably pretty obvious from my initial review. Nothing really came close to beating The Raid 2 this year – I mean, I can’t even think of one film that had as many hammers and baseball bats in it. For sheer unadulterated mayhem, you’d be hard pressed to find anything more frantic, save for watching me when I hear the doorbell ring when I’m having a wank.

The Raid 2 contains, hands-down one of the best martial arts fight sequences I’ve ever seen. That fucking fight in the kitchen had me so far on the edge of my seat that I was practically in front of the screen (much to the annoyance of all the other patrons). It’s just SO FUCKING GOOD, and I doubt I’ll see it beaten. Until The Raid 3: This Time You’ll Shit Yourself comes out anyway. Gareth Evans is a high ledge and I want to have a drink with him. Hope he’s up for fingering some girls though, because drinking always turns into that. Even when it’s just Sprite.

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SHITTEST 18

Nymphomaniac

Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a good look at some tits and/or gashes, and now and again I may even “stumble” upon a video of a nice big dick going in and out of one or the other – sue me. So when I heard about Nymphomaniac I was all ears. And dicks.

Shame then, that it spent about five hours and all we saw were like five different sets of tits and even less minges. Seriously, this film did nat need to be in two parts – especially when there were that many terrible British accents being bandied about the place like a bunch of, erm, bands or something. Shia Laboeuf (who was in that film about the talking cars or something – Cars I think it was called) needs to go down in history along with Dick Van Dyke and Charlie Hunnam (Green Street) as committing one of the worst accents to film since that time I pretended to be French for my Take Me Out audition video.

Overall, the film is so far up its own arse, that it can’t even see its own arse anymore. We can though. And it’s covered in SHIT.

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A Blow-By-Blow Account Of The First Time I Watched The John Wick Trailer

I recently watched the best trailer I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s for Keanu Reeves’ new film, called John Wick. Here’s the trailer, but I’d warn you, don’t watch it if anything flammable is near because it’ll heat your arsehole to boiling point. IT’S FUCKING AMAZING.

Are you ok? Do you need me to call you an ambulance? Or a cleaner? I bet there’s shit everywhere. In case you were interested, here were my thoughts during the first time I watched the trailer:

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Classic 18: Commando (1985)

commando_1985_poster_011It’s no secret how much I love Arnold Schwarzenegger – he’s the bee’s bollocks as far as I’m concerned. Fair enough, he’s been in some shit (True Lies, Conan The Barbarian, all the Terminator films, The Expendables 2 for example), but he’s also been in some absolute gems. Gems so shiny you can see your own dick in them. Gems so big and shiny you can see other people’s dicks in them. Gems so big and shiny and sharp that you don’t want to get too close to them otherwise you might cut your dick on them. One of those gems is Commando – Arnold’s role as John Matrix may just be his best.

If you’re unaware of what Commando is about, then not only are you probably wearing a nappy and going “GOO GOO GAA GAA I DUN A POO OUT MY BOTTY WAA WAA WAA”, you’re also a baby. So for all those babies out there, I’ll tell you what it’s about.

Arnold’s daughter is kidnapped and so he has to go and get her.

So it’s sort of a bit like Taken. Or Give Me My Fucking Cheestring Back – only in that one it’s not a daughter that’s been stolen, it’s my fucking Cheestring. Obviously, both those films are amazing and notable for the amount of violence in them, so if you like that sort of thing then you’re most likely going to like Commando.

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Stone Cold (1991)

StoneColdTHIS FILM IS FUCKING AMAZING. I feel the need to let everybody know how good it is, so I’ve taken a break from wrapping sellotape around my penis – I’m trying to get the shaft-colour to match the bellend-colour – in order to write this. I’m providing a valuable public service – people need to know about this movie and they need to watch it.

Until recently, I didn’t really know who Brian Bosworth was – but now I do, and I’m fucking happy about it. Brian Bosworth was a professional American Football player who was extremely popular over in America in the ’80s, but obviously I had no idea of this because I do not give three flying turd-corns about American Football. But supposedly he was a big deal.

BIG DEAL, I couldn’t care less – what I could care less about (because I care a lot about it) (so I guess I couldn’t care less because I care so much about it) (I’ve chosen the wrong expression here but I hope you’re all still with me) is the fact that he went into movies soon after. This is where things get interesting, particularly in the case of Stone Cold, because it was his debut film. I for one, can say with the utmost confidence that this is one of THE best debuts in the history of cinema.

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Another from the FRONT Magazine archives

HEY YOU WANKERS/TWATS/ARSEHOLES/FRIENDS! What are you up to at the moment? Picking Fruit Pastilles out of your vagina? Putting spaghetti down your bellend? Exactly. You should be doing something more constructive with your time, like reading the following awesome article written by me. It was featured in FRONT Magazine back when it was the best thing on planet earth, and is titled LIFE LESSONS FROM ACTION HEROES. Basically, it’ll tell you all you need to know about being an absolute legend in life. You know, like I fucking am.

Click on the piccy-wiccys to enlarge.

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Now, go forth and be LEGENDS.

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There is an 8bit game of The Raid 2 and it’s COOL AS FUCK

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If you didn’t know, I loved The Raid 2 (review HERE), so obviously I would love a computer game of it (even though computer games are for nerds). So if you want to play it, head on over here: theraidarcade.com and give it a go.

It seems if you play as Hammer girl it’s the easiest computer game in the history of anything. Although maybe I’m just really good at fucking everything.

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The Raid 2 (2014)

The-Raid-2-Australian-poster_JPG.jpgThe Raid is one of my favourite films in the fucking world, EVER. It’s better than any film you’ve ever made, buster, isn’t it? Your movies are shit. The Raid is not. It’s a stripped-down, straight-to-the-point action /martial arts flick and it blows my nipples through the sodding roof every time I watch it. So needless to say, I was excited about The Raid 2 – the trailer attacked my bum and threw it into the stratosphere, and a hench clip I saw at Frightfest peeled back my foreskin and pinged it back with such force that a window smashed. I was LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, essentially.

And now I’ve seen it. So was it worth the wait?

OF COURSE IT WAS YOU ABSOLUTE PILLOCK.

The Raid 2 was utterly amazing. I don’t know what Gareth Evans is drinking, but I want some of it (Special Brew just isn’t doing it for me at the moment) – he’s a genius. This movie takes the small-scale approach of the first one and spreads it wider than that rude thing I did at the weekend, it’s – although I hate the word – epic. It’s a sprawling, complex crime thriller that just happens to be interspersed with the best fucking fight scenes you’re ever likely to see (until the Raid 3: Your Dick Will Fall Off, presumably).

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Exclusive Poster #30: Commando

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www.frontarmy.com/films/watch-18s-must-see-movies-commando/

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Exclusive Poster #28: Underworld: Awakening

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http://www.frontarmy.com/films/i-only-watch-18s-must-see-movies-underworld-awakening/

 

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Exclusive Poster #27: Out For Justice

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