Category Archives: Action

Exclusive Poster #26: Drive

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http://www.frontarmy.com/films/i-only-watch-18s-must-see-movies-drive/

 

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Exclusive Poster #24: Machete

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http://www.frontarmy.com/news/watch-18s-must-see-movies-machete/

 

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R.I.P Drive (1998): The End Of An Era

drive-cover

So as you all know, my favourite film of all time is Drive. No, not that one, the other one. The one from 1998 starring Mark Dacascos and Kadeem Hardison. If you want to know why, then read my original review here. I have also talked about it here (and if you fancy reading about what I think of the Gosling Drive, why not click here?). So yeah, I fucking like Drive (1998).

BUT NOT ANY FUCKING MORE, BOZO.

Wanna know why?

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I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2013

For once, this year was actually relatively good for 18s. Yeah I know, it pulled my foreskin off too! Yeah, we had quite a steady stream of 18s popping up about the shop – mostly horror, but a couple of action ones here and there, which is always appreciated. Another interesting thing was that they weren’t all direct-to-DVD releases, we had a couple of cinematic 18s. I love going to the cinema to watch 18s, the main reason being that you get all the 18 trailers before the actual film. I love 18 trailers. But enough of me rubbing pumice stone into my arse-pulse, let’s get on with the fucking I Only Watch 18s REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013. “You’re gonna need a bigger nappy.”

FAVOURITE FILM OF 2013

Well, this is an easy one isn’t it? It’s got to be V/H/S/2 hasn’t it? Stop asking questions will you? Ok I will if you calm down alright? Sure let’s just get on with this ok? Am I talking to myself? I don’t know, do you? Yes – wait, do I?

Sorry, so yeah, V/H/S/2 – not only the best film I saw this year, but also the one that is the most annoying to type. In case you didn’t know (why don’t you know? What have you been doing? You seriously need to give your wrist a rest sometimes mate, you’re gonna get carpal tunnel or some shit), it’s a portmanteau horror film consisting of a number of found-footage tales. They are ALL good. My favourite one was the one directed by Jason Eisener, of Hobo With A Shotgun Fame, because it scared a thin film of grease right off the end of my bell-end and into the clouds. It’s about an alien abduction, something that is extremely close to my heart after that time I went on a night out and when I woke up there was a test tube up my choddy. The next best is Gareth Evans’ (The Raidinsane day of reckoning-style segment – it’s completely mental and I love it. Like my reflection. This is of course not to say the rest are not that good, because they are – this sequel certainly stepped it up in quality when compared to the original, which itself was pretty darn good anyway.

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SHITTEST 18 OF 2013

Unfortunately it’s gotta be I Spit On Your Grave 2. I thought the original was good and so was the remake – making a bloke suck his own severed dick was priceless – but this sequel to the remake was very very silly. None of it made any sense and the shit dealt out to the woman was so extreme and lasted soooooo long, which also therefore didn’t leave any time for the good bit – revenge. There was one inspired part (the bit with the bollocks in the vice), but apart from that, even the revenge was wack. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you haven’t had a shower for a week and still can’t be bothered to have one – watch this and you’ll need one straight after, you dirty fucking slob. Your room stinks.

I Spit On Your Grave 2, Set Photography - Day14

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VENDETTA (2013)

vendetta-newIn case you’re one of those weird things that sticks onto rocks in the sea and does fuck-all with your life, then you’ll know that I right like Danny Dyer. Fair enough, he’s been in some SHEEET, but he acknowledges this fact, which is something a lot of actors refuse to do – it’s nice to see a bit of honesty. He’s not trying to fool anyone – he does what he does and I’m happy with that. It helps that a lot of what he does is fucking good too, which is nice.

So to Vendetta – his new flick – is that one of the shit ones or one of the good ones? Well, it’s one of the fucking good ones you pillock. One of the main reasons for this is that it’s a revenge film – I will give four tonne to any smart-arse that can show me a revenge film that I won’t like (providing it’s an 18 of course). Good fucking luck – you won’t be able to do it. Revenge films are the best, because revenge is such a potent emotion – the feeling you get when drop a flaming cat shit down next-door’s chimney because their fucking muggy moggy turded on your sweet flower bed for the fifith time this week, is breathtaking. I love it. (more…)

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WHAT A SLACK CUNT

Yo, I’ve been a bit of a slack dickhead recently with posting here, apologies. Don’t worry though, I saw You’re Next the other day and it was fucking AWESOMER THAN A SLAP TO UNDERTITS, so I’ll review that soon innit. You know what though? I’ve been doing weekly columns for FRONT mag on their website, so I’m gonna bunch a load of them here for you to read and/or shit yourself over. Here goes:

Manhunter

30 Days Of Night

Man On Fire

Bronson

Demons

In Hell

Dawn Of The Dead

Inglourious Basterds

Hard To Kill

The Dentist

CHECK BACK SOON AND THERE MIGHT BE A PICCIE OF MY DICK OR SOMETHING.

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Arena (2011)

4e92c51c029f1 Arena is a funny one – it’s essentially a stupid, violent straight-to-video action movie, the kind you’d expect to see people like Mark Dacascos or Dolph Lundgren in, yet somewhere along the line, a hell of a load of A-list actors got themselves involved. Kellen Lutz, Samuel L Jackson, Daniel Dae Kim and Nina Dobrev are all in this – WHY THE FUCK IS THAT? It’s one of those cases like Movie 43 – big name actors signing on for something that they maybe don’t fully understand and/or as a favour for someone. Still, it doesn’t matter a fuck to me – I’m still going to watch it whoever the fuck they put in it.

But what of the actors in it? I don’t know if they’re gonna regret choosing to be in it? Probably not to be honest, no fucker has even heard of this film anyway – it sank without a trace quicker than one of my regular ghost shits.

Arena surrounds this bloke who has clearly modelled his body on yours truly, played by Lutz who gets fucked over by this BITCH WHORE (Katia Winter) who is a massive dick but as the film goes on it turns out she’s not so much of a BITCH WHORE and instead you find yourself slowly falling in love with her and carving her name in your arm with a compass and crying and bleeding into your ice cream SHUT UP LEAVE ME ALONE. (more…)

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Forgot to mention…

But I got another piece up on the Front Magazine website here. It’s on The Punisher.

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UNBELIEVABLE EXCLUSIVE!! BRACE YOUR ANUSES!!

So, as I’ve told you here and here, The Raid was my favourite film of last year – it came into my house, pulled my trousers down, ripped my dick off and threw it into the sun.

Well, they announced a sequel a while back, the news of which came into my house, pulled my trousers down, ripped my bum off and threw it into the moon.

But then that was that, no more news. UNTIL THE OTHER DAY THAT IS. I noticed a couple of websites coming into my house, pulling my trousers down, ripping my bollocks off and throwing them into another planet or star or some shit I don’t care fuck.

This was because they had a load of new stills from The Raid 2! WHAT GREAT NEWS. Well if you haven’t seen them, here are THE BEST ones! I bet you’re excited!! They’re insane!! (more…)

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The Man With The Iron Fists (2012)

ironfists-posterWhen I first saw the trailer for this I went so spare that I blacked out for over an hour and when I woke up I was naked in a wheelbarrow filled with straw, there was a dead horse next to me and there was clumps of bloody hair all over my bellend. Well, as I do with most occurrences of this ilk, I put it to the back of my mind and went home and had a wank.

So yeah, I was chuffing excited about The Man With The Iron Fists. How could you not be? Hip-hop, Russell Crowe being an absolute badass, fit yats everywhere, sweet wire-fu action, mental weapons, hip-hop, a character called ‘Brass Body’ who can turn his body into metal on command, Cung Le, co-written by Eli Roth, hip-hop, Daniel Wu and all of it directed by a bloke who knows a fuck-load about martial arts flicks and has based a good deal of his music career around this fact.

It couldn’t really fail to please me right? I’m particularly easily pleased, as you all know. I mean only last night I found a bubblegum-flavoured ice-pop down the back of the freezer and I was so pleased I punched myself in the head until I knocked myself out. Woke up next to a dead cow this time. Back of mind. Trousers up. Walk home. Wank. (more…)

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