Category Archives: Comedy
For once, this year was actually relatively good for 18s. Yeah I know, it pulled my foreskin off too! Yeah, we had quite a steady stream of 18s popping up about the shop – mostly horror, but a couple of action ones here and there, which is always appreciated. Another interesting thing was that they weren’t all direct-to-DVD releases, we had a couple of cinematic 18s. I love going to the cinema to watch 18s, the main reason being that you get all the 18 trailers before the actual film. I love 18 trailers. But enough of me rubbing pumice stone into my arse-pulse, let’s get on with the fucking I Only Watch 18s REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013. “You’re gonna need a bigger nappy.”
FAVOURITE FILM OF 2013
Well, this is an easy one isn’t it? It’s got to be V/H/S/2 hasn’t it? Stop asking questions will you? Ok I will if you calm down alright? Sure let’s just get on with this ok? Am I talking to myself? I don’t know, do you? Yes – wait, do I?
Sorry, so yeah, V/H/S/2 – not only the best film I saw this year, but also the one that is the most annoying to type. In case you didn’t know (why don’t you know? What have you been doing? You seriously need to give your wrist a rest sometimes mate, you’re gonna get carpal tunnel or some shit), it’s a portmanteau horror film consisting of a number of found-footage tales. They are ALL good. My favourite one was the one directed by Jason Eisener, of Hobo With A Shotgun Fame, because it scared a thin film of grease right off the end of my bell-end and into the clouds. It’s about an alien abduction, something that is extremely close to my heart after that time I went on a night out and when I woke up there was a test tube up my choddy. The next best is Gareth Evans’ (The Raid) insane day of reckoning-style segment – it’s completely mental and I love it. Like my reflection. This is of course not to say the rest are not that good, because they are – this sequel certainly stepped it up in quality when compared to the original, which itself was pretty darn good anyway.
SHITTEST 18 OF 2013
Unfortunately it’s gotta be I Spit On Your Grave 2. I thought the original was good and so was the remake – making a bloke suck his own severed dick was priceless – but this sequel to the remake was very very silly. None of it made any sense and the shit dealt out to the woman was so extreme and lasted soooooo long, which also therefore didn’t leave any time for the good bit – revenge. There was one inspired part (the bit with the bollocks in the vice), but apart from that, even the revenge was wack. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you haven’t had a shower for a week and still can’t be bothered to have one – watch this and you’ll need one straight after, you dirty fucking slob. Your room stinks.
I was vaguely aware of the American TV series Wilfred starring Elijah Wood, and even though Wood’s been in some mint 18s (Green Street, Sin City), I still associate him with that corn-filled sod of muck about ringpieces and goblins with big feet but small cocks that he was in, so I don’t normally watch his stuff. However, I did know that it was a US remake of an original Australian comedy TV series. Regardless, they both looked shit because if I wanted to watch a show about grown men in furry suits then I’d watch Teletubbies. Although of course I would never watch Teletubbies because it’s not an 18. So as it turns out, I would find it hard to watch anything about grown men in furry suits because the general majority of them are not 18s.
BUT THEN I ATE MY FUCKING HAT BECAUSE I FOUND OUT THE AUSSIE WILFRED WAS AN 18.
So I watched both series and I bloody loved both of them. (more…)
After my Danny Dyer feature the other week, I went on a bit of a DVD binge and bought loads of Dyer films that I hadn’t seen. One of them was Doghouse. It’s about a bunch of mates who go to some village in the middle of nowhere, only to find that all the women have turned into slathering, axe-wielding maniacs. So they kill them and shit. Sounds wicked no?
Well yeah, it does. It’s also got a nice shiny 18 on the front cover. Sweet – got all my bases covered.
OH NO I FUCKING HAVEN’T BECAUSE IT’S A FUCKING 15.
Yep, I fell into the trap of buying a DVD with special features that push the film up to an 18. But I hate wasting money, so before I snap the DVD in two, put it in two microwaves and then catapult both microwaves into the air before shooting them with a shotgun, I thought I might as well watch these special features. I’ve come to the conclusion that the Blooper Reel is what makes this an 18, because Danny Dyer says ‘cunt’ a lot. Here’s my review.
I thought the Blooper Reel was very funny because Danny Dyer said ‘cunt’ a lot but without seeing the film, there’s no context to anything so I didn’t really know what was going on.
I give it 3 18s out of 10
I give Doghouse 1 shitting dick out of 1 because it was shitter than a shitting dick.
I like going to parties. I like getting pissed and rooting to high Heaven. It’s what I do ok? You’ll know when I enter your party – it’s a kind of Moses parting the Red Sea-type affair. The crowds make way for my entrance, the girls swoon, drop their gussets and the room slowly fills with the sweet aroma of fish. From there on in, I’ll infiltrate your party, using my throb-wand with pin-point accuracy to fell only the best-looking females. If you were looking to get some action at your own party, gutted blud, cos I’m all the girls want.
So yeah, I like parties.
Project X is about a party. Therefore, I liked it. All it is, is a party. Just a party. And it’s wicked.
It starts with three geeky blokes who decide they want to have this party to, in a sense, ‘get their dicks wet.’ I like these guys already. Anyway, they throw this massive house party and it goes absolutely mental and the house and neighborhood end up getting completely trashed. Oops, hey at least they saw some tits eh? (more…)
I’ve only seen one Adam Sandler film because I normally walk straight past Toys ‘R’ Us on my way to the strip-club. It was Bulletproof, and I liked it. This Nick Swardson character however, I haven’t seen in anything, but I remember hearing that Gay Robot skit back at Uni because someone had it on their computer. I also liked that. So when I found out that Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star was an 18, I helicoptered my dick out the window and threw Kraft cheese slices at cats in the garden.
Also, Christina Ricci is in it, who is an extremely attractive female. She also has a beautifully large forehead, which is handy because it gives you something to kiss while she’s giving you a blow job.
Anyway, Bucky Larson is about this bloke called Bucky (Swardson) who is, in a word, a massive geek (that was three words, prick). One day, he goes round his friend’s house and him and all his mates sit around in the basement watching porn and wanking (bit weird, but each to their own I suppose), when all of a sudden, everyone realises that the two people ramming it big-town on the video, are actually Bucky’s parents… (more…)
When I first saw the trailer for Project X:
I wasn’t that excited. It looked like any of my flat parties, only without the naked woman, my marauding wand, an abundance of Chocolate-flavoured Stout, a condom tree, vats of protein shake, a gym area, a rutting area, piles of DVDs, snakes, a mobile phone overflowing with girls’ numbers and pictures of their areolas, a piñata full of Tangfastics, a burrito made out of ten burritos, a fucking machine (often a sybian), a Nuts magazine with all the pages stuck together, a buffet of nothing but lean chicken breasts and broccoli, a room full of mirrors that only I’m allowed in, a clothes horse upon which girls may hang their knickers whilst they are on the sybian, a swimming pool full of vodka Red-Bull, a tattoo artist that only draws dicks, an entire cupboard full of Skittles (sour ones and normal ones), a pile of cables that have been there for ages and I don’t know what they’re for, lots and lots of Frangelico, a giant Pepperami, mini Pepperamis, normal sized Pepperamis, a bouncer at the entrance whose sole purpose is to confiscate condoms,
a laptop full to the brim with porn a huge TV showing Drive (the Mark Dacascos one) on repeat, a cannon that fires chocolate-filled brioche rolls, a pneumatic drill for destroying DVDs that aren’t 18s, a stripper who farts into a megaphone, methylated spirits for the legends, a link to follow me on Twitter on the right, and a barman that only serves shandy because shandy is fucking nice and I don’t care what anyone says.
So I wasn’t really all that interested in seeing it.
However, I was skimming my gooch over the BBFC website today, and I discovered that it had been classified as an 18.
PROJECT X, I SHALL BE SEEING YOU…LATER.
“Hey, you should watch Kick-Ass!”
“What’s it about?”
“It’s about a kid that wants to be a superhero but he hasn’t got any super-powers!”
“That sounds good!”
“Yeah it’s wicked! Do you want to borrow it on DVD?”
“I’ve got it with me, here you go!”
“What’s the matter?”
“What are you doing with that baseball bat?”
“Because I want to shove this fucking thing up your arse.”
“What? Stop being silly!”
“Bend over, prick.”
[*Shoves baseball bat up prick’s arse and throws DVD under bus*]
“Why did you do that?”
“YOU FUCKING WILL BE. I’LL BE IN MY TRAILER.” (more…)