Category Archives: Horror

The Human Centipede III (2015)

HumanCentipede3_poster1Sorry I’ve been away for a bit, I basically set myself this challenge to finger exactly 2000 girls before I could write anything on this website again – not entirely sure why I did this though, so don’t ask. Anyway, I’ve done it now, so I can carry on writing about films and that. Also, I’ve just seen The Human Centipede III and I thought that would be a great one to get me back into the swing of things.

If you need to get yourself up to speed on the Human Centipede saga, then I suggest you read these two pieces of hilarious writing that I found on the internet one day when Googling “pictures of my dick human centipede”. Here’s a review of the first one, and here’s a review of the second one.

What you’ll notice is that I really liked the first one, but the second one wasn’t as good. This is something that happens a lot with sequels isn’t it? Especially when the first sequel is downgraded from an 18 – you know, like what happened with Taken. The first Taken was so good it actually caused me to do a poo which floated out of my arse and slowly rose up towards the ceiling before resting there like a tiny blimp. I think it’s still there now – you’ll have to ask the people at the cinema. However, Taken 2 was a 12A! If there’s anything that’s gonna get that Goodyear turd down from the roof, it’s that. The less said about Taken 3 (or as I like to call it – Taken WEE), the better.

Anyway, The Human Centipede II was still an 18, and one so extreme that it was actually refused a classification the first time round. When it was eventually released it was cut a bit, but still an 18. This made me happy as well as unhappy – the same as when I have a wank, sort of. But either way, it wasn’t as good as the first one.

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I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2014

IF YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT THAT IT’S ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH JANUARY AND I’VE ONLY JUST DONE MY REVIEW OF THE YEAR THEN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR WHINING SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU ABSOLUTE PRINCE.

Anyway, here we go:

FAVOURITE FILM

The Raid 2

Yeah, so this one was probably pretty obvious from my initial review. Nothing really came close to beating The Raid 2 this year – I mean, I can’t even think of one film that had as many hammers and baseball bats in it. For sheer unadulterated mayhem, you’d be hard pressed to find anything more frantic, save for watching me when I hear the doorbell ring when I’m having a wank.

The Raid 2 contains, hands-down one of the best martial arts fight sequences I’ve ever seen. That fucking fight in the kitchen had me so far on the edge of my seat that I was practically in front of the screen (much to the annoyance of all the other patrons). It’s just SO FUCKING GOOD, and I doubt I’ll see it beaten. Until The Raid 3: This Time You’ll Shit Yourself comes out anyway. Gareth Evans is a high ledge and I want to have a drink with him. Hope he’s up for fingering some girls though, because drinking always turns into that. Even when it’s just Sprite.

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SHITTEST 18

Nymphomaniac

Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a good look at some tits and/or gashes, and now and again I may even “stumble” upon a video of a nice big dick going in and out of one or the other – sue me. So when I heard about Nymphomaniac I was all ears. And dicks.

Shame then, that it spent about five hours and all we saw were like five different sets of tits and even less minges. Seriously, this film did nat need to be in two parts – especially when there were that many terrible British accents being bandied about the place like a bunch of, erm, bands or something. Shia Laboeuf (who was in that film about the talking cars or something – Cars I think it was called) needs to go down in history along with Dick Van Dyke and Charlie Hunnam (Green Street) as committing one of the worst accents to film since that time I pretended to be French for my Take Me Out audition video.

Overall, the film is so far up its own arse, that it can’t even see its own arse anymore. We can though. And it’s covered in SHIT.

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Frightfest: Are They 18s?

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As you all know, it’s Frightfest coming up in August, and obviously I’m going. OBVIOUSLY. Why wouldn’t I? Where else can you watch bare decent horror films and then also go for a swift bang in the bogs in the interim? Yes, ONE other place – my house. Well, flat. Well, shed. Well, my mate’s shed.

However, and for some reason I can’t quite fathom, sometimes they show films which aren’t 18s. This blows my tiny little knob – it’s insane. Luckily, they do quite well in showing a bunch of genuinely good 18s, too. So what I thought I’d do is do a bit of research to try and find out which ones are 18s and which ones aren’t so that then you know which ones to go and see and which ones to hurl faeces at.

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Classic 18: They Live (1988)

3814634-they_live_xlgI like wearing sunglasses because they make me look all cool and wicked and hard and that. I also like wearing them because you can look at girls’ bums without them knowing what you’re doing. Unless of course you start to look at their bum whilst they’re talking to you – in that case, it becomes pretty clear as to what you’re doing, because you actively have to walk behind them. Things get complicated whenever I’m wearing sunglasses, is what I’m trying to say, ok?

But not as complicated as they get for professional wrestler-turned bubblegum-enthusiast, Roddy Piper in They Live. Why? You ask. Well, because when he puts on his cool pair of sunglasses, he realises that the entire world is being run by aliens and that everything the public sees and hears is sinister subliminal messaging designed to brainwash their minds. Also, he suddenly realises that he doesn’t look as decent as me.

That’s because they’re MAGIC sunglasses, or something. Either way, when you put them on, you can see through the aliens’ human disguises – basically they look like your Mum. Well ugly and gross and I bet they stink, too. Ok, you can’t actually smell what’s going on on screen so I can’t vouch for their stink, but if they smell as much as your Mum as they look like her, then they’ll absolutely grim. Your Mum grims.

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Exclusive Poster #36: Piranha 3DD

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Exclusive Poster #35: Friday The 13th Part 3D

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Exclusive Poster #34: Friday The 13th Part II

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Exclusive Poster #32: The Exorcist (Alternate Version)

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Exclusive Poster #31: The Exorcist

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Exclusive Poster #29: The Human Centipede

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