Category Archives: Horror
For once, this year was actually relatively good for 18s. Yeah I know, it pulled my foreskin off too! Yeah, we had quite a steady stream of 18s popping up about the shop – mostly horror, but a couple of action ones here and there, which is always appreciated. Another interesting thing was that they weren’t all direct-to-DVD releases, we had a couple of cinematic 18s. I love going to the cinema to watch 18s, the main reason being that you get all the 18 trailers before the actual film. I love 18 trailers. But enough of me rubbing pumice stone into my arse-pulse, let’s get on with the fucking I Only Watch 18s REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013. “You’re gonna need a bigger nappy.”
FAVOURITE FILM OF 2013
Well, this is an easy one isn’t it? It’s got to be V/H/S/2 hasn’t it? Stop asking questions will you? Ok I will if you calm down alright? Sure let’s just get on with this ok? Am I talking to myself? I don’t know, do you? Yes – wait, do I?
Sorry, so yeah, V/H/S/2 – not only the best film I saw this year, but also the one that is the most annoying to type. In case you didn’t know (why don’t you know? What have you been doing? You seriously need to give your wrist a rest sometimes mate, you’re gonna get carpal tunnel or some shit), it’s a portmanteau horror film consisting of a number of found-footage tales. They are ALL good. My favourite one was the one directed by Jason Eisener, of Hobo With A Shotgun Fame, because it scared a thin film of grease right off the end of my bell-end and into the clouds. It’s about an alien abduction, something that is extremely close to my heart after that time I went on a night out and when I woke up there was a test tube up my choddy. The next best is Gareth Evans’ (The Raid) insane day of reckoning-style segment – it’s completely mental and I love it. Like my reflection. This is of course not to say the rest are not that good, because they are – this sequel certainly stepped it up in quality when compared to the original, which itself was pretty darn good anyway.
SHITTEST 18 OF 2013
Unfortunately it’s gotta be I Spit On Your Grave 2. I thought the original was good and so was the remake – making a bloke suck his own severed dick was priceless – but this sequel to the remake was very very silly. None of it made any sense and the shit dealt out to the woman was so extreme and lasted soooooo long, which also therefore didn’t leave any time for the good bit – revenge. There was one inspired part (the bit with the bollocks in the vice), but apart from that, even the revenge was wack. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you haven’t had a shower for a week and still can’t be bothered to have one – watch this and you’ll need one straight after, you dirty fucking slob. Your room stinks.
Look, obviously I haven’t seen all of the Chucky movies, because SOME OF THEM ARE FUCKING 15S AREN’T THEY? However, I have seen all the 18 ones and Bride Of Chucky is fucking reet good ain’t it? It’s funny, gory and if I remember correctly, there are some norks in it. There are also some dolls having sex, which is a type of sex I am very familiar with, so there’s that too. Whoopee whoo.
Now I was worried that Curse Of Chucky might be a 15, what with Seed Of Chucky being one, but luckily it wasn’t. I mean that was seriously lucky, because I saw the film at Frightfest before I even knew what certificate it was. If it had been a 15 then that would have meant that I’d watched a 15 and the only logical and sensible reaction to that news would be to rip my bollocks off and post them to myself and when they came through the letterbox throw them out the fucking window.
But hey girls! I’ve still got my awesome bollocks! Curse Of Chucky is an 18! PIAOW PIAOW PIAOW! But that’s not the only good news – the other good news is that Curse Of Chucky is GREAT. It’s funny, gory and if I remember correctly, there are some norks in it. No doll sex though. Probably a good thing that, I’m trying to wean myself off that shit – it’s bad for my heart. It scares the shit out of me when they pop. (more…)
Home invasion horror movies are a dime a fucking dozen nowadays, and I’ll tell you what Mrs. Poopy Pants, I’m getting a bit sodding bored of them. When I’d rather watch cum dry over one of these films, you know it’s time to switch things up a notch otherwise I ain’t fucking interested Mr Poopy Pants. Congrats on the wedding by the way.
So when I heard about You’re Next, I wasn’t exactly over the moon, in fact you could say I was under it. On my roof. Naked. Howling. But then I heard a constant stream of very good things about the film, and I also noticed that it was directed by one of the directors of V/H/S, which I bloody well liked. Turns out he directed one of the shitter segments, but still, fuck off and all that. Either way, my interest was peaked. As were my trousers.
Also, it was an 18. JOIN THE ACTUAL DOTS YOU FUCKING POINDEXTER. (more…)
Yo, I’ve been a bit of a slack dickhead recently with posting here, apologies. Don’t worry though, I saw You’re Next the other day and it was fucking AWESOMER THAN A SLAP TO UNDERTITS, so I’ll review that soon innit. You know what though? I’ve been doing weekly columns for FRONT mag on their website, so I’m gonna bunch a load of them here for you to read and/or shit yourself over. Here goes:
CHECK BACK SOON AND THERE MIGHT BE A PICCIE OF MY DICK OR SOMETHING.
Ryûhei Kitamura is my main fucking man ok? Versus is one of my favourite films of all time and if you haven’t seen it then don’t even think about talking to me at the mixer next week because me and the queen bitches will OUT your ass. So when I heard he was coming to Hollywood a few years back I just about dropped a solid chod right there in my tutu.
The film that came as a result of that was The Midnight Meat Train which blew my gigantic swinging tits straight through the roof and off into space where they now orbit the Earth, collecting debris and confusing astronauts. Unfortunately for Kitamura, it got fucking shafted by the distributors and didn’t really make much of an impact even though it was crunting amazing.
If only they’d have waited a bit until Bradley Cooper had reached the megastar status he’s currently at, then they could have done a Cabin In The Woods with the whole thing (N.B I haven’t seen that croc of steaming shit). Anyway, my main man Kitamura’s latest Hollywood offering is No One Lives and I’m about to tell you how fucking good or shit it was. Which one was it? You’ll have to wait and see won’t you? You sure you can manage this? (more…)
The Evil Dead is a very good movie. I’m talking about the original here. We can ignore Evil Dead II because although it was once an 18 and was extremely enjoyable it has since been reclassified as a 15 so it can suck my fat dick so far down that it can poo my dick, if that makes sense. Also, I have never seen Army Of Darkness for I am not a giant, translucent sack of severed bollocks. But the first one was wicked, and still is wicked.
So obviously they remade it. No surprise there – they fucking remake everything nowadays, and whereas it used to bother me, I now couldn’t give three flying fucks about it. Who cares? If it’s being remade as an 18, that’s just one more chance to see an 18 in the cinema, and that can only be a good thing in my book. Of course, when they do something like remake Prom Night and it’s a 15 then the world shall be crushed beneath my gigantic fists, but we all knew that anyway. (more…)
Because I’m such a fucking hilarious legend, Front Magazine have chosen me as their guest movie blogger, so today I did my first piece of shit for them. I wrote a couple of silly words about Ticks (1993). Click the link if you fancy shitting your dick off.
So I tweeted a picture the other day of a gotdam bargain I picked up last week
**WE INTERUPPT THIS BLOG POST TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE**
OH, YOU’RE NOT FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER EH? WELL NOT ONLY ARE YOU A THICK-SET CHUNK OF SHIT BUT YOU’RE ALSO MISSING OUT ON DAILY HILARITY OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY. I MEAN THIS IS REAL GOOD SHIT – JUST LOOK AT THIS:
THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON.
**END OF INTERUPPTION**
and if you saw it, you’ll have noticed that one of the flicks I picked up was The Howling VI: The Freaks which I managed to ponce for gotdam two quid. I mean, gotdam. The second-hand section in HMV is an absolute gotsend – you can pick up some mint bargains in there and every time I pop in, there’s always loads more new shit to feast my gotdam dick on. GOTDAM. (more…)