Category Archives: Reviews

You’re Next (2013)

YoureNextHome invasion horror movies are a dime a fucking dozen nowadays, and I’ll tell you what Mrs. Poopy Pants, I’m getting a bit sodding bored of them. When I’d rather watch cum dry over one of these films, you know it’s time to switch things up a notch otherwise I ain’t fucking interested Mr Poopy Pants. Congrats on the wedding by the way.

So when I heard about You’re Next, I wasn’t exactly over the moon, in fact you could say I was under it. On my roof. Naked. Howling. But then I heard a constant stream of very good things about the film, and I also noticed that it was directed by one of the directors of V/H/S, which I bloody well liked. Turns out he directed one of the shitter segments, but still, fuck off and all that. Either way, my interest was peaked. As were my trousers.

Also, it was an 18. JOIN THE ACTUAL DOTS YOU FUCKING POINDEXTER. (more…)

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WHAT A SLACK CUNT

Yo, I’ve been a bit of a slack dickhead recently with posting here, apologies. Don’t worry though, I saw You’re Next the other day and it was fucking AWESOMER THAN A SLAP TO UNDERTITS, so I’ll review that soon innit. You know what though? I’ve been doing weekly columns for FRONT mag on their website, so I’m gonna bunch a load of them here for you to read and/or shit yourself over. Here goes:

Manhunter

30 Days Of Night

Man On Fire

Bronson

Demons

In Hell

Dawn Of The Dead

Inglourious Basterds

Hard To Kill

The Dentist

CHECK BACK SOON AND THERE MIGHT BE A PICCIE OF MY DICK OR SOMETHING.

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Arena (2011)

4e92c51c029f1 Arena is a funny one – it’s essentially a stupid, violent straight-to-video action movie, the kind you’d expect to see people like Mark Dacascos or Dolph Lundgren in, yet somewhere along the line, a hell of a load of A-list actors got themselves involved. Kellen Lutz, Samuel L Jackson, Daniel Dae Kim and Nina Dobrev are all in this – WHY THE FUCK IS THAT? It’s one of those cases like Movie 43 – big name actors signing on for something that they maybe don’t fully understand and/or as a favour for someone. Still, it doesn’t matter a fuck to me – I’m still going to watch it whoever the fuck they put in it.

But what of the actors in it? I don’t know if they’re gonna regret choosing to be in it? Probably not to be honest, no fucker has even heard of this film anyway – it sank without a trace quicker than one of my regular ghost shits.

Arena surrounds this bloke who has clearly modelled his body on yours truly, played by Lutz who gets fucked over by this BITCH WHORE (Katia Winter) who is a massive dick but as the film goes on it turns out she’s not so much of a BITCH WHORE and instead you find yourself slowly falling in love with her and carving her name in your arm with a compass and crying and bleeding into your ice cream SHUT UP LEAVE ME ALONE. (more…)

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No One Lives (2013)

no-one-lives-poster-2Ryûhei Kitamura is my main fucking man ok? Versus is one of my favourite films of all time and if you haven’t seen it then don’t even think about talking to me at the mixer next week because me and the queen bitches will OUT your ass. So when I heard he was coming to Hollywood a few years back I just about dropped a solid chod right there in my tutu.

The film that came as a result of that was The Midnight Meat Train which blew my gigantic swinging tits straight through the roof and off into space where they now orbit the Earth, collecting debris and confusing astronauts. Unfortunately for Kitamura, it got fucking shafted by the distributors and didn’t really make much of an impact even though it was crunting amazing.

If only they’d have waited a bit until Bradley Cooper had reached the megastar status he’s currently at, then they could have done a Cabin In The Woods with the whole thing (N.B I haven’t seen that croc of steaming shit). Anyway, my main man Kitamura’s latest Hollywood offering is No One Lives and I’m about to tell you how fucking good or shit it was. Which one was it? You’ll have to wait and see won’t you? You sure you can manage this? (more…)

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Evil Dead (2013)

evil-dead-remake-movie-poster-2013The Evil Dead is a very good movie. I’m talking about the original here. We can ignore Evil Dead II because although it was once an 18 and was extremely enjoyable it has since been reclassified as a 15 so it can suck my fat dick so far down that it can poo my dick, if that makes sense. Also, I have never seen Army Of Darkness for I am not a giant, translucent sack of severed bollocks. But the first one was wicked, and still is wicked.

So obviously they remade it. No surprise there – they fucking remake everything nowadays, and whereas it used to bother me, I now couldn’t give three flying fucks about it. Who cares? If it’s being remade as an 18, that’s just one more chance to see an 18 in the cinema, and that can only be a good thing in my book. Of course, when they do something like remake Prom Night and it’s a 15 then the world shall be crushed beneath my gigantic fists, but we all knew that anyway. (more…)

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Forgot to mention…

But I got another piece up on the Front Magazine website here. It’s on The Punisher.

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Do you want to hear me swear about Ticks for a bit?

Because I’m such a fucking hilarious legend, Front Magazine have chosen me as their guest movie blogger, so today I did my first piece of shit for them. I wrote a couple of silly words about Ticks (1993). Click the link if you fancy shitting your dick off.

www.frontarmy.com/films/i-only-watch-18s-must-watch-movies-ticks/

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The Man With The Iron Fists (2012)

ironfists-posterWhen I first saw the trailer for this I went so spare that I blacked out for over an hour and when I woke up I was naked in a wheelbarrow filled with straw, there was a dead horse next to me and there was clumps of bloody hair all over my bellend. Well, as I do with most occurrences of this ilk, I put it to the back of my mind and went home and had a wank.

So yeah, I was chuffing excited about The Man With The Iron Fists. How could you not be? Hip-hop, Russell Crowe being an absolute badass, fit yats everywhere, sweet wire-fu action, mental weapons, hip-hop, a character called ‘Brass Body’ who can turn his body into metal on command, Cung Le, co-written by Eli Roth, hip-hop, Daniel Wu and all of it directed by a bloke who knows a fuck-load about martial arts flicks and has based a good deal of his music career around this fact.

It couldn’t really fail to please me right? I’m particularly easily pleased, as you all know. I mean only last night I found a bubblegum-flavoured ice-pop down the back of the freezer and I was so pleased I punched myself in the head until I knocked myself out. Woke up next to a dead cow this time. Back of mind. Trousers up. Walk home. Wank. (more…)

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The Howling VI: The Freaks (1991)

So I tweeted a picture the other day of a gotdam bargain I picked up last week

**WE INTERUPPT THIS BLOG POST TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE**

OH, YOU’RE NOT FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER EH? WELL NOT ONLY ARE YOU A THICK-SET CHUNK OF SHIT BUT YOU’RE ALSO MISSING OUT ON DAILY HILARITY OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY.  I MEAN THIS IS REAL GOOD SHIT – JUST LOOK AT THIS:

   poo

THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON.

**END OF INTERUPPTION**

and if you saw it, you’ll have noticed that one of the flicks I picked up was The Howling VI: The Freaks which I managed to ponce for gotdam two quid. I mean, gotdam. The second-hand section in HMV is an absolute gotsend – you can pick up some mint bargains in there and every time I pop in, there’s always loads more new shit to feast my gotdam dick on. GOTDAM. (more…)

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Hidden Tiger (1995)

Hidden_TigerFirstly, let’s get this out the way first – Tae Bo can suck a dick.

Another thing we need to get out of the way before I begin – I have never seen a Billy Blanks film that I haven’t enjoyed. Ok? Yeah? Happy with that? That’s what you’re dealing with here – I’m that guy.

So when me and a friend were walking about HMV farting and scoping out the honeys (result: the horror section stank of shit and there wasn’t a great deal of hot women in HMV) and I stumbled upon Hidden Tiger starring Big B, I was positively elated. It was also in the second-hand section so that meant it was 2 fucking quid – what a bargain eh? Now normally I’m a bit averse to second-hand DVDs because you don’t know what peado or person-that-likes-to-store-shits-inside-DVD-cases could have had it in their house before, but I thought I’d make an exception for Mr Blanks.

SO I BOUGHT IT AND WATCHED IT (there were no shits inside the case luckily). (more…)

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