So I’m not one of those people who likes sucking their thumb. I don’t wear a nappy. I don’t eat rusks. I don’t piss myself.
I’m not immature in the slightest. I don’t go to playschool. I don’t crawl around on all fours farting. I don’t drink milk from women’s tits. I don’t have a pacifier. I don’t wander around naked. I don’t eat earthworms. I am in control of when I shit.
Basically, all of the above means that obviously, I haven’t seen Eli Roth’s 2002 shit-seam of a horror movie Cabin Fever. However (with a capital fucking H) –
Actually, sod it. That’s reminded me – if anyone fucking says ‘haych’ in front of me again, I’ll go apeshit. HAYCH. What the hell is HAYCH?
“I’m trying to look up Wishmaster on the internet – how do you spell it?”
“w, i, s, HAYTCH, m, a, s, t, e, r”
“WATCH ME PUT MY ARM UP YOUR ARSE YOU FUCKING DUNCE.”
(although of course I know how to spell Wishmaster, but you get the idea.)
Anyway, I once more digress. Back onto the review:
However (with a capital fucking H), Cabin Fever 2 is an 18 which of course means – come on boys and girls, you know the lyrics:
IT IS WORTH WATCHING.
So I watched it. And I liked it. I mean the ending was an absolute bum-eye-pulsing frot, but apart from that, I liked it a great deal.
The film starts with some bloke who looks like that toxic waste bloke out of Robocop getting exploded by a bus a bit like that toxic waste bloke in Robocop (this scene is almost entirely pointless) and then switches locations to a high school where everyone is getting ready for prom. ORIGINALITY METERS SET TO OVERLOAD.
Then they all start pissing and shitting and puking blood because they’re drinking fruit punch contaminated with a deadly flesh-eating virus and prom is fucking ruined. We mainly focus on this one bloke who seems like quite a nice chap, what with his silly haircut and unrequited love and disproportionate bellend (I’m guessing here). Luckily, he manages to not drink any of the punch in a series of –
“Mmmm, I’m really thirsty, can’t wait to drink this punch”
“Hey John, just before you drink that punch, I’ve got something to tell you.”
“Ok, drinking this punch will have to wait until another time”
*5 minutes later*
“Finally, now I can drink this punch.”
“Hey John, can I have a drink of that punch?
“Yeah, ok, have my cup of punch, I’ll pour myself another one”
*Pours another cup of punch*
“This punch sure is elusive – well I’m definitely going to drink it this time”
“Hey John, you asshole!”
“Ouch, you punched me and I dropped the punch.”
-type situations. So, while everyone else is having miscarriages in the bin, he’s running about pretty much ok, well, apart from his friend is lying in the library spitting blood everywhere and ripping skin off his dick. Then, if seeing his mate’s dick isn’t bad enough, some men in chemical suits barricade the school and then someone bashes someone else’s head in with a fire extinguisher (although not as well as in Irreversible).
Cabin Fever 2 is an 18 – so obviously you’d expect it to be a bit gory. Well, NEWSFLASH MR POOPY PANTS, it bloody well is! I was rather hungover when I watched it (I’d been out with a load of models and they weren’t up to my usual standard so I had to get fucking rat-arsed before I’d let them anywhere near my quagnet*), and even I (EVEN I) felt a bit queasy with all the gloopy, slimy mayhem on offer.
The worst bit is when this kid’s pulling out his fingernails. It was ruddy horrible with a capital HAYCH. This of course made the film better, and as a whole, I enjoyed nearly all of it – the humour just about hit the right spot, the gore did its job, THERE WERE SOME TITS, and it all trundled along at quite an amiable pace.
But then they went and brownholed it without a condom at the end and it went to Shits ‘R’ Us in no time. Basically, it all turns into a stupid animated cartoon (same as the opening credits – but it worked there) and switches location completely and introduces loads of new people and you never find out what happened to the main characters. It doesn’t help that they’re in a strip club and one of the girls has the flesh eating bug all over her tits.
“STILL WOULD THOUGH.”
I said out loud, but then one of the on-screen characters says the same thing. A man after my own heart.
Anyway, I’m already bored of this review because it keeps reminding me of the shit ending. So I’M OUT.
It gets 6 18s out of 10.