I have seen the original Mother’s Day and I moderately enjoyed it. You could equate it to having a nice poo at home when you’ve been needing one at work for ages but you’re too scared to go in the ones there because you don’t want other people to hear the sound that your arse makes. Moderately enjoyable.
Either way, I was excited for the remake because I’m a twat and I always get excited at remakes regardless of how shit they might look. Lots of true horror fans get all worked up and start twisting their dicks around their fingers and pinching their bums really hard because they think it’s such a travesty that someone’s remaking their beloved original, but I couldn’t really give two flying wankers because if it means I get the chance to see another 18 in the cinema, then I’m as happy as Larry. And if you’ve ever met Larry – HE’S FUCKING HAPPY.
Also, this remake isn’t really a remake – it’s completely different to the original. They’ve kept the mad mother and the mad brothers but they’ve changed the story and the way all the events pan out. It’s basically just the name that’s the same.
Even so, it’s still a remake so the inevitable
erection question will arise – is it better than the original?
YES IT IS.
Whereas the original was a low-budget Troma trash-fest, this one is far more slick and efficient, whilst still staying true to the grimy and shocking feel of the original. So yes it does look all shiny and Hollywood, but once it hits its stride, it pulls no punches and ends up as one of the most mean-spirited and shocking films I’ve seen on the big screen.
At some times it was a little too mean though. It’s not a fun watch at all, which I had a bit of a problem with, because I mostly watch films for entertainment, or to compare my cut body with wimps like Arnold Schwarzenegger. In this case, there was nobody to compare myself to, and it wasn’t entertaining – it’s full of too many utter dickheads to be enjoyable.
The main bad guys are such grade-A wankertronics that every time they did something horrible (which is all the time) I found myself getting angrier and angrier that these people existed. By the time the film had finished I’d got myself so riled up that I’d unwittingly platted all my pubes and sucked up all the cloth on the chair into my arsehole.
Still, I liked it. It’s tense, exciting and dare I say it – thought provoking. There are a few moral quandaries thrown in for good measure in amongst all the guts, gore, screaming, punching, shooting, stabbing, crying and swearing and it results all the better for it.
On the downside, the mother character (brilliantly played by Rebecca De Mornay) is slightly cliched in a mad-horror-movie-mum kind of way – but then again, she is a mum I would like to fuck so not bothered mate.
Also, the film has three endings. The first one is good, and could have easily been the only one. Then there’s a little epilogue bit which I must admit, I quite liked. But they couldn’t leave it there, and they throw in an absolutely turd squeezingly shit mid-credits post epilogue that basically says ‘Oi you! Yeah you! The one in the audience! You’re a fucking dunce.’
AND I DON’T TAKE KINDLY TO GETTING CALLED A FUCKING DUNCE.
I mean, would a dunce have a dick this big?
I don’t think so, Mr Smelly Knickers, I don’t think so.
I give Mother’s Day 7 18s out of 10.