I watch a lot of shit films. I mean A LOT. Some of them are so shit I get confused when I see the DVD case on my bed because I think I’ve shat there so I try and clean it up with disinfectant and I go and have a shower.
However, the above point is fucking moot as I have just seen The Man From Nowhere and I’ll tell you something for free – IT WAS NOT SHIT. It was instead, absolutely fucking amazing.
Ever since I saw the trailer, I knew it was going to be good – it was a revenge film after all. I knew this because I have never seen a revenge film that I haven’t liked. So revenge plus a good trailer equals fucking good in my opinion. A few pairs of tits wouldn’t have gone amiss but you can’t have it all can you?
The Man From Nowhere is about this weird, quiet bloke who hangs around with this little girl (don’t worry, he’s not a peado) and runs a pawn shop from his front room or some shit. Basically, the little girl and her mum get kidnapped and so it’s up to quiet, weird bloke to fucking kick every possible shade of ass to get her back, all whilst looking so cool he looks almost as cool as me.
There’s a whole load of other stuff going on though, what with these drugs kingpins and organ harvesters and policeman and sneaky, double-crossing old women in the street – so it’s not your straight forward revenge thriller. I think the reason for this is that it’s from Korea, and I’ve noticed that revenge films from the East (Oldboy 18, seen) are a lot more complex and original than the standard American ones (Death Sentence 18, seen).*
So you’ve got a few storylines and sub-plots flying about the place, but the one you should be interested in is the one where weird, quiet bloke runs about fucking everyone up with his knife and fists and an axe and anything he can get his hands on because he’s an unbelievably hard, unstoppable one-man-army.
There are some absolutely amazing fight scenes in this one – particularly one where he goes nutsoid with a knife in a room full of dicks with knives. He absolutely wipes his cool arse with them – the fight choreography is rub-a-dub rinse out. It’s the same kind of quick, efficient, non-flashy hard-hitting fighting as in films like Taken (18, seen) and A History of Violence (18, seen) and I was gritting my teeth and squeezing my bum like I’m sure you lot will. If you don’t you’re probably gay or something.
Then you’ve also got this other hard wanker who’s got this funny backwards knife thing that he uses to do people in with, but he’s especially marked out as an absolute psycho in one of those ‘fuck this guy’s an absolute psycho’ character introduction scenes. It goes a bit (A BIT) like this:
Man 1: “What are we going to do about that bloke that we’ve gotta kill?”
Man 2: “I’ve sent Ramrowan.” [Ramrowan is the fucking nutcase]
Man 1: “You better not have sent him ALONE.”
Man 2: “Why?”
Man 1: “Because he’s a fucking nutcase.”
Man 2: “Oops.”
Man 1: “Did you send him alone?”
Man 2: “Yeah. I probably should have thought about this beforehand. But you know how he likes to go ROGUE and shit?”
Man 1: “Yeah, he’s a fucking ROGUE nutcase. Well done, I bet he’s fucking killed everyone.”
Man 2: “Yeah I reckon he has too.”
(Cut to Ramrowan in a warehouse. HE HAS FUCKING KILLED EVERYONE.)
What this does is it tells you that he is properly hard and so will obviously have to fight weird, quiet bloke at some point, probably at the end. Which is exactly what happens and it’s sodding amazing. I love seeing two really hard bastards fight each other with knives – and these two guys are actual really hard bastards and they fight each other with knives. It’s quality. Won’t tell you wins though. But if you don’t know already then you’re full of shit.
All in all, The Man From Nowhere was an absolute jizz-bomb of revenge that minted its gob off so sharpish that I’ll be slopping wads of pancake batter from my tits with a harsh case of the sidewanks for three weeks and a tuppence.
I think I need to go for a shit.
I’ll give it 8 18s out of 10.
*Which is not to say that I didn’t love Death Sentence because I fucking well did.