Fertile Ground (2010)

I have seen both of the films that Adam Gierasch had directed prior to Fertile GroundAutopsy and Night of the DemonsAutopsy was dumb, gory fun and Night of the Demons was dumb, gory fun with tits.  I enjoyed both of them.

Therefore I thought I would enjoy Fertile Ground – I hoped it would be dumb, gory fun (preferably with tits).  Unfortunately, it was dumb, not gory, and not fun – fucking lucky there were tits in it though otherwise I’d have kicked off big time.  But tits do not a good film make (they make a film worth watching yes, but they don’t make it good).

Fertile Ground is about a 30-something couple which consists of a bloke with arms and a mouth and legs and shit and also a woman with tits.  We know she has tits because we see them in the very first scene, which is unfortunately very misleading as I assumed straight away that it would be a good film because of these tits.

Basically, the story involves the woman being pregnant but unfortunately losing her baby in the first 10 minutes, so the couple relocate and try once more to start a family.  Obviously, the house they move into is a fucking scary one, so everyone starts going a bit mad and seeing shadowy figures walking along the corridors at night.  It’s all pretty scary stuff.  Until;

“Oh, what’s this?  Another sex scene – great!  I like sex scenes – they are my favourite of all the scenes.  This is all rather enjoyable.  OH NO WAIT IT’S NOT BECAUSE SUDDENLY THE BLOKE HAS TURNED INTO SOME OLD GUY WITH A BIG NOSE AND A HANDLE-BAR MOUSTACHE.”

This is where the film goes downhill.

This is the same look I had on my face whilst watching this film. I TOO WAS HOLDING A KNIFE.

Basically, the ‘ghosts’ or ‘visions’ or whatever the fucking shit they are are introduced way too early and they’re not frightening in the slightest.  Then it’s just repetitive scare after repetitive scare after husband going crazy after husband going crazy after shit not-scary old woman in white dress after shit not-scary old woman in white dress after hysterical wife after hysterical wife after can’t wait for this film to end after can’t wait for this film to end after what the fuck is she actually fighting some bloke in a top-hat and suit from the 18th century on her roof I can’t believe this shit after what the fuck is she actually fighting some bloke in a top-hat and suit from the 18th century on her roof I can’t believe this shit.

It’s also not a very good 18.  Compared to Gierasch’s previous films, the gore is turned down to 15, even 12A levels, which I think you’ll all agree, is A TRAVESTY WITH SHIT ALL OVER ITS ARSEHOLE.

What a shame, it all started so well.

You know, with the tits.

I’ll give Fertile Ground 4 18s out of 10.

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