Classic 18: Taken (2008)

I quite like Liam Neeson, but I never had him pinned as much of an action hero before I saw Taken. As a result, I’ll admit I wasn’t really excited about seeing it that much.  However, once the trailer hit my excitement peaked somewhat – it was after all, a revenge film, and as I may have mentioned in the past, I fucking right like revenge films, so I assumed I would like this.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together for the winner of Understatement of the Bloody Year.”

I FUCKING LOVED IT.  I MEAN, I REALLY REALLY FUCKING LOVED IT.

In case you didn’t know, Taken is about Liam Neeson, a bodyguard of sorts who lets his stupid daughter fly off to Paris with her silly mate.  Basically, they both get kidnapped and sold to the sex trade, and as a result of this, Liam Neeson gets FUCKING PISSED OFF and flies to Paris to bring all manner of harsh shit to these sex traffickers and their dicks.

This is because Neeson is an absolute hardcase of the highest order – he’s a Grandmaster Motherfucking Hardcase General.  He was in the CIA or some shit, and basically he’s amazing at beating the haricot beans out of people – he’s like Bourne, but he’s in a film worth watching and he doesn’t look like a shaved ball sack.

You WILL swap this for a Man United shiny.

Each and every fight scene in this film will prolapse even the hardest of arseholes.  They are all perfect – they’re hard-hitting, violent, impeccably choreographed, shockingly brutal and just plain flawless.  Neeson is unbelievable.  I shouldn’t get pleasure from violence, but seeing the Neese beat the absolute pubes out of these utter dickheads gave me one of the most satisfying movie watching experiences I’ve ever had.

But Neesotron isn’t just good at fighting, he’s also absolutely amazing at saying the best fucking piece of dialogue you’ll ever hear in a film ever:

http://youtu.be/ofdkniLQFLs

It really doesn’t get much better than that.  It’s the perfect speech.  It would make any situation sound ice cold, for example:

[In a supermarket]

Bryan: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for payment, I can tell you I do not have a lot of money. But what I do have are a very particular set of items on my shopping list; ingredients that I have wanted for over a week. Ingredients that make a dream Shepherd’s Pie. If you show me where the cucumbers are, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will report you to your manager.
Shop Assistant: [after a long pause] Good luck.

[At a romantic dinner]

Bryan: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for sex, I can tell you I don’t have any condoms. But what I do have is a very particular set of sexual skills; skills I have acquired over a very long and debauched life. Skills that make me an orgasm machine for people like you. If you touch my penis now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will kiss you, and I will bum you.
Bryan’s date: [after a long pause] Good luck.

[In line for festival toilets]

Bryan: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for toilet paper, I can tell you I don’t have any t.p for my bunghole. But what I do have is a very aggressive turtle-head; a turtle-head that I have acquired over a very long day. A turtle-head that makes me a nightmare for queues like this. If you let me skip the queue now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will shit myself, and I will blame you.
Festival goer: [after a long fart] Good luck.

[In a bar]

Bryan: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for a legend, I can tell you that you’ve found one. What I do have is a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career of downing pints. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you give me my pint now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not down it, I will not shout out that I have just downed it. But if you don’t, I will look for my pint, I will chin it, and I will kill you.
Barmaid: [after a long pause] Good luck, you handsome devil with a massive dick.

And if that’s not a reason to watch Taken then you can smack my bum and call me Sally.

I’ll give it 10 18s out of 10.

This entry was posted in 18s, Action, Reviews and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Classic 18: Taken (2008)

  1. Peeetrick veeen Gleeeeeeeeehn says:

    I don’t know where you picked up the phrase “t.p for my bunghole” but if it was from the certificate 12 CITV programme Beavis and Butthead I expect to see a video of you pulling sharks of broken jar out of your arsehole on youtube by tomorrow morning.

    Yours,
    Peeeeeeetveeeeeeeengleeeeeeeeeen

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *