Cell 211 (2009)

So I quite like prison movies and –

“Why haven’t you seen Death Warrant then you fucking dick?”

“Well I bought it the other day you pillock”

– so I was quite looking forward to this one.  Mainly because it’s set in a prison and it’s also a film.

Cell 211 is a prison film (see above) about some bloke called Juan who’s going to work at a prison, but because he’s a right brown-noser, he decides to turn up a day early so that he can have a look around the prison and show his future-colleagues what a snooty swot he is.  BUT THAT’LL TEACH HIM FOR BEING A GEEK because something falls from the ceiling and knocks him out.  So the two guards that are with him put him inside an empty cell and call for the doctor.  Bad move though fellas, because a massive fuck-off riot has just kicked off and the guards have made like Li and Jetted.

So basically, Juan is up piss shit without a fuck (I think that’s the saying) and has to pretend to be a prisoner so that everyone doesn’t bum him or something.  He does this by telling everyone he’s a murderer and cussing the main prison nutcase, which luckily works.  However, it’s not all smooth sailing because people start to suspect things, the guards outside threaten to compromise his position and also, his pregnant wife is caught up in another riot outside the prison gates.

"Man's on a beard ting. Bet you wish you were on a beard ting"

Cell 211 is not half really good and shit.  It’s a pretty original premise that I haven’t come across before (about the only thing left I haven’t come across before if YOU CATCH MY DRIFT) and it all makes for a constantly tense and engaging poster quote I mean rollercoaster ride.

This is due to many things:

1. Alberto Ammann, who plays Juan is bloody ace.  His character arc is the most complex, and towards the end, surprising, and he handles each and every facet of his character with aplomb.

2. Luis Tosar plays a character called Malamadre – the leader of the prison riot and a bit of a headcase.  He’s consistently amazing and unavoidably magnetic.  Plus your eyebrows ain’t got shit on his.

3. It’s in no way your usual prison film – it’s full of enough twists and turns to make a pig’s dick feel jealous.  As the film progresses, the plot accelerates to warp speed with a barrage of hard-hitting and sudden developments to make sure you’re never completely comfortable with what’s going on.

4.  Juan’s wife is FIT.

Watch out, it's fucking Blazin' Squad

So basically, what I’m saying is that you need to watch Cell 211Especially if you’re up for a gritty, brutal and properly exciting thriller that’ll leave you questioning your morals for at least three hours after the film.  And you’re a legend.


However,  I doubt it will be as good as Death Warrant.  I’ll let you know.

I’ll give Cell 211 8 18s out of 10.

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