If you’re a regular reader of this site (i.e a legend) then you’ll know that I bloody love Jean-Claude Van Damme. If you’re not (i.e a cunt), then you can fuck off.
Basically, for some reason I had not seen Death Warrant – this rocked me to my very core. My life was completely lacking. Nothing was complete. Meaningless sex with perfect 10s and legendary frozen vodka eating championships were the only distractions. It was always there, at the back of my head, popping in and out intermittently to wind me the fuck up.
But all that is over now – I have seen Death Warrant.
I bought it on one of my hungover Play.com shopping sprees. I do this quite often, and it’s the same every time – I’ll be checking my emails one day when I’ll see an email saying “Your Play.com order has been posted” to which I’ll always respond, “When the fuck was I on Play.com and what the fuck did I order?” It’s fun though, because I don’t open the emails, I just wait until the DVDs come through the door – it’s always a nice surprise. So when Death Warrant came through the door I was ecstatic. My willy span around so fast that I flew through the ceiling and landed in the back garden. Impaled a poor squirrel right through its arse too.
Serves it right for parading that sweet, furry tushy about the place like it’s some sort of supermodel.
Anyway, this is a review, so let’s get down to business:
Death Warrant is about this bloke called Jean-Claude Van Damme (I think) who goes undercover at this prison because some nutcase is stabbing inmates in the back of the head with an ice-pick. Basically, he’s gotta pose as a prisoner and investigate all the dodgy goings on without getting found out or fucking killed by this absolute psycho who turns up from Van Damme’s past.
Obviously, the inmates don’t take kindly to Van Damme because he looks a bit gay with his short sleeves and high arse, so people keep starting on him. The joke is well and truly on them though, because Van Damme can do this amazing spin kick which for some reason is unblockable, so he kicks them all in the face loads of times. He also makes friends with a couple of inmates and also some weird fucker with snake eyes and long fingernails (dubious), so they all team up to break Van Damme out of the prison while there’s a riot on or some shit. I’m not entirely 100% on the plot because I was too busy screaming to take in all the details.
Either way, it matters like shit, because Van Damme keeps kicking people in the face all the way through. Loads of people.
THEY’RE ALL GETTING KICKED IN THE FACE.
Also, the bad guy is really good. He’s played by Patrick Kilpatrick, who always plays headcases, and is pretty fucking terrifying in this one. He’s got a shit haircut and big eyebrows and he fucking shouts a lot and survives gun-shots and stuff. Real grade A wanker material.
WANKER material, not wanking material.
Death Warrant is really really good and has all the required elements a Van Damme film needs, like:
- People getting kicked in the face.
- Van Damme doing his spinning kick in people’s faces.
- A really good bad guy.
- Van Damme’s arse.
- Van Damme screaming with his shirt off.
- A fucking cool name.
- An absolutely amazing end credits song.
- That funny lump thing on Van Damme’s head.
All reasons why I shall give it 8 18s out of 10.
And here’s that brilliant end credits song: