Classic 18: Robocop

The two most famous robots/cyborgs in the world are the Terminator and Robocop.  At least in my world they are.  However, as The Terminator is now a 15 I have erased all memory of it and that hunk of shit can suck my dick and fuck off back to Terminatortron or wherever the fuck he lives.

That leaves Robocop.  Luckily he’s still an absolute legend.  And the film he’s in is absolutely legendary.  He’s so legendary he thought:

Robocop: “Oi mate, you know this film you’ve written about my life? The one called Policeman who gets shot loads and then gets brought back to life as a robot but still a policeman and has a gun in his leg which comes out whenever he wants?  Yeah, well I’m the star yeah?  So let’s just name it after me yeah?”

Screenwriter: “But I quite like that title – it does what it says on the tin.”

Robocop: “Dead or Alive, you’re coming with me.”

Screenwriter: “Wait, what?”

Robocop: [shoots screenwriter in groin] “Your move, creep.”

Screenwriter: “Jeez, we’ll call it Robocop!”

Robocop: “Thank you for your cooperation.”

Screenwriter: “You’re an actual twat Robocop.”

Robocop: “Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there is a crime happening.”


So not only has it got an amazing title, it’s also an amazing film.  If you haven’t seen it, then you need to see it very quickly because at the moment I’m very disappointed in you – so disappointed in fact, that I doubt I’ll let your friends come round for dinner tomorrow night.  And you sure as fuck aren’t getting that BMX you wanted.

The basic story of Robocop can be summed up in the following bullet points:

  • Cop gets shot loads by some dickheads.
  • Cop gets brought back to life as a half human/half robot.
  • Robocop fights crime.
  • Robocop goes to find the dickheads.

That’s all you really need to –

  • Wait, sorry, I forgot there are some tits in it too.

That’s all you really need to know.  There’s a load of satire in there somewhere for you guys that have to have a bit of intellectual stimulation in your movies but I am employed solely in the business of explosions and leg-guns so I’ll probably just focus on them today ok?
Basically, Robocop is full of explosions and leg-guns to an extent I’ve not encountered before or will ever be likely to.  This is because (even though he looks like a bit of a silly billy) Robocop is absolutely, positively one of the hardest bastards to grace the silver screen. As is evidenced by the following scene:

Coincidentally,the first thing Robocop says in that video is the first thing I say before I have sex.

So yeah, that’s the kind of shit that goes down in Robocop.  It’s a full-on assault of heavy machinery, nifty gadgets, classic dialogue, giant robots and Nancy Allen’s lesbian haircut.  This is mostly down to Paul Verhoeven, who pulls out all the stops and delivers a true ‘Paul Verhoeven Movie’ that’ll have you walking around like a robot with a sieve on your head for weeks.

Robocop has also helped me sexually.  Girls are really intrigued by your dangerous bad-boy image when you tell them you have a ‘leg-gun’.  However, they are nearly always disappointed when you reveal it to be your penis, spray painted silver.

However, this can turned around when you demonstrate its unlimited supply of ammo.

I’ll give it 9 18s out of 10.

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