So I’ve bought my Frightfest tickets – I’m going for the whole weekend and you WILL NOT believe the amount of sex I’m going to have over the five days. It’s gonna be: film, shag, film, shag, lunch, film, shag, film, wank, shag, film, shag, film, go home, wank, go to bed, wake up, film, shag, film, shag, film, lunch, shag, shag, film, and so on…(i.e shag, film, shag, film, shag, wank, lunch, shit, piss (can’t do one without the other), shag, film, shag, film, punch back of chair in front when tits appear on screen, shag, finger on back row during extremely tense scene causing inappropriate screams of ecstasy, sandwich, quick max out of bench-press, film, sleep, sleeping wank, wake up, shag, and so on…).
I will enjoy myself immensely. So will any girl that comes into contact with my insatiable wand of ultimate pleasure. However, I face an extremely frightening hurdle. A hurdle so frightening it’s hard to even imagine facing it. The kind of hurdle that has barbed wire covered metal dildoes glued to the top that squirt out molten lava and you have to run the race naked and you’ve got an electro-magnet implanted in your anus and a blindfold on and there are banana peels everywhere and also you can’t remember if you left the front door open or not.
Basically, my problem is:
HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW IF WHAT I’M WATCHING IS AN 18 OR NOT?
Obviously, the majority of these films will be 18s, but there’s always the chance that I might inadvertently watch a 15. It’ll be impossible to know until the films are released (and in some cases, they never even are in England). Still, I’ve got a good chance that what I’ll see is an 18, and I have a number of methods to combat this dilemma.
1. If I feel, during the film, that it’s definitely not going to be an 18, then I shall leave the theatre spitting and throwing Haribo about the place.
2. If I find out beforehand that the film has already been rated as anything less than an 18 I will not watch the film. However, I might enter the auditorium and throw a fucking dog shit into the idiotic audience.
3. If I find out afterwards that one of the films I have watched was not an 18, I shall employ the services of a hypnotist in order to erase all memory of ever seeing the bastard sod. I shall also seek indirect retribution by hiding little pieces of sick inside the DVD cases of the offending movies in popular retail outlets like HMV.
So, all in all, I think you can maintain your trust in my integrity.