When I first saw the original trailer for Hobo With A Shotgun in between the good section (Planet Terror) and the shit section (Death Proof) of Grindhouse, I wanted it to be made into a feature film. That’s because it’s the kind of shit that I like if you hadn’t gathered yet.
So when they revealed that they were in fact making a feature I was swallowed whole with my own erection. Then it turned out they’d somehow snagged Rutger ‘RUTGER HAUER’ Hauer and I instantly rose ten feet into the air due to the intense jet of wind that was aggressively emitted from my anus. To say the least – ‘I.’ But to say the required amount – ‘I was extremely excited about watching this film.’
Then, because I’m such a connected legend, I managed to get myself a ticket to the London premiere and also some interview time with Jason Eisener – the director. I’d be jealous for a multitude of reasons if I was you.
The main one being I have a gigantic schlong and your one looks like a fucking tic tac.
The premiere was held in a nightclub in London called XOYO (not a gay club) and they’d bloody decked it all out like the slums in the movie. By ‘decked out’ I mean fucking thrown newspaper everywhere, but still. It also helped that there were some fit women walking around dressed as tramps, and they served the beer like this:
There were also some annoying buskers but I managed to drown them out with the aggressive N.W.A tracks that I constantly have playing inside my head. Before the show started, me and a friend had a wander, DOWNED A PINT, SMASHED IT AND STARTED SHOUTING, had a chat, got in an argument with the barmaid and won, and did that thing where you get your willy out over a bowl on the wall and yellow water comes out of it.
Then we sat down for the film. Jason Eisener came on stage with his head through a cardboard cut out of the Hobo poster and said a few words and handed out some DVDs to the best dressed. I was a bit disappointed I didn’t win but then I realised that it wasn’t actually ‘best dressed’, it was ‘who has come into London tonight looking like the biggest twat’. I was not aware of this competition, because I was focusing solely on coming into London and looking FOR the biggest twat.
Twat as in VAGINA.
Anyway, then he mentioned that he would be staying around for a Q&A afterwards and I scoffed and looked around at everyone with a smug look on my face because just a few hours ago I had been having a chat with him myself and so I already knew all the answers to any questions I wanted to know. I made this clear by looking to the person sitting next to me and pouring some beer on his crotch, narrowing my eyes and whispering ‘Watch it, buddy.’ He almost started to reply, but I caught his eyes notice my biceps and he stopped himself. Fucking pussies don’t know what they’re up against.
And then the film started. Let’s get onto the review:
Hobo With A Shotgun is about a hobo played by Rutters (he hasn’t got a shotgun yet) who catches a ride on a train into this town which is basically run by this one bloke and his fucking dick-squeeze sons. They strut about shagging women and killing people in various different ways, including car-decapitation and barbed-wire-baseball-bat-dismemberment. Obviously, the hobo doesn’t really like this because all he wants to do is sit back and chill out for fuck’s sake. So instead of letting it all happen and not doing anything about it – he steals a shotgun and starts fucking people in the face with it.
Then he meets a whore – sorry, top brass – and he decides he’s going to save the town with her help and also I bet he quite wants to put his willy in her bum as well. So off he goes in search of the two dick-squi (plural of dick-squeeze) and their absolute sack of a Dad, on the way dishing out some shotgun-related retribution to all the other crims in the city.
Hobo With A Shotgun is the complete opposite of a grade-A wack-ass muffin-top psyche-wank jabroni. It is thunderously immense in every possible way. It’s one of those films that has everything I could want in a movie:
- It is an 18.
- There is lots of swearing in it.
- There are naked ladies in it.
- There is lots and lots of gore in it.
- Rutger Hauer is in it.
It’s also constant, non-stop inventiveness and breakneck, unfaltering carnage from start to end. It doesn’t slow down for more than a minute and you’re never too far away from the next outlandish set-piece or hilarious quotation. The wildly varying trajectory of my dick throughout the movie was a sight to behold. The females in the screening were utterly mesmerized.
Of course, all this mayhem centres on one man – the hobo. And Rutger Hauer plays him brilliantly. I’ve always been a fan of Hauer because of his propensity towards 18s, and here is one of his best performances yet – all face-twitching intensity, veering in an instant to teeth-gritted, ruthless borderline insanity. It’s actually a far better performance than you might expect, and I really can’t imagine it being played better by anyone else. Apart from maybe if Megan Fox played the part naked, and instead of a shotgun it was a dildo, and instead of shooting criminals, she was putting it in her minge. But then it would probably be called Megan Fox With A Dildo, not Hobo With A Shotgun.
IT WOULD BE FUCKING WICKED THOUGH MATE.
All the other actors and actresses are sweet as a nut, sweet like tropicana, too. They’re mostly unknowns – this is a pretty low-budget film, afterall – but none of them bring the film down in any way, shape or form. They’re all brilliant, and each of the main players carve out completely distinct and recognisable characters – something which is certainly needed for the film to be as engaging as it bloody well is.
All in all, Hobo With A Shotgun is
like the sound emitted from the fourth word of the film’s title – a blast. It’s gory, sexy, pretty darn hilarious and not afraid to absolutely stretch to breaking point the boundaries of bad taste. I’ll give it a shotgun-toting 9 18s out of 10.
SPOLIER ALERT (BUT YOU SHOULD READ ON ANYWAY BECAUSE IT’LL PROBABLY BE BETTER KNOWING THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN BEFORE YOU WATCH THE FILM)
There was one bit in this film that I didn’t like. At one point, these two mental hardcases with body armour and shit get sent to go and kill the hobo – they look like robots. This I was fine with, in fact I fucking loved it. However, the two robot-looking motherfuckers go back to their base AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY ARE FIGHTING A GIANT SQUID. This is never explained and is really bloody annoying. The audience laughed and so did I, but it was fucking stupid. There are no supernatural elements in this film until this fucking giant squid comes along. It’s not even fucking underwater. It might not even be a squid. In fact, I’m completely in the dark as to what it was meant to be or how it served the story in any way.
Oh well, FUCK IT.
END OF SPOLIER ALERT (BUT IF YOU DIDN’T READ IT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO BACK AND FUCKING READ IT BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE ONLY SHIT PART OF AN AMAZING FILM AND THEREFORE MAKE THE SHIT PART LESS SHIT AND THE AMAZING FILM EVEN MORE AMAZING)