Frightfest Preview (Day 1)

I’m quite excited about Frightfest (in case you hadn’t noticed), so I thought I’d run through the films on each day as a little taster of things in store.  Firstly, I’ll take a look at the Thursday:
 
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark
 


Now, I’ve talked about this before, and I’ve got no reservations in saying that THIS WILL BE FUCKING SHIT, GUARANTEED. I know it won’t be an 18, so unless I hear different, chances are I won’t bloody well be fucking watching this trollop.  It’s about imps that run about a house scaring a little girl.  Ooooooh, I’m quaking in my fucking boots – don’t want any of those scary imps jumping on my bed and telling me ghost stories or poncing my Haribo.  Really scary.

Guillermo del Toro produces this, but he’s been shitting shit out of his shitter since Blade II (which was absolutely, positively erectile in every possible way), so I can only assume this trend of films for kids with silly monsters in them will continue. Shame really, that Wesley Snipes motherfucker could’ve ice-skated up a hill and made this worth watching.

Excitement Rating: About as excited as I was when I was wiping my arse and my finger went through the paper.

Final Destination 5 3D
 

I haven’t seen any of the Final Destination films for obvious reasons, which is slightly irksome because they sound like they could’ve been fun if they weren’t wearing nappies with wee coming out the sides.  Still, there’s always the chance that they’ll pull their butt-plug out and make a proper movie with this one.

The trailer for this looks pretty sweet, too – it seems like there’s a lot of potential for some pretty gory death scenes, which along with tits, are almost essential in any film that I watch.

Excitement Rating: As excited as I was when I was on my way to get a new packet of Pogs.

The Theatre Bizarre

I’ve always been quite partial to the odd Anthology film (Tales From The Darkside: The Movie and Necronomicon), so I’m pretty keen on watching this one.  One of the segments is directed by Tom Savini and another by Richard Stanley – this is a good thing.  Savini is a personal hero of mine due to his involvement in countless 18s, quite often being solely responsible for the best parts.  Richard Stanley directed Hardware, which has at least three sodding amazing things going for it – it’s an 18, it’s about a fucking robot, and it has ‘hard’ in the title. For this reason I believe that the film has a high chance of being an 18.  In addition to this, the description on the Frightfest website says this about one of the stories; “A woman addicted to the vitreous fluid of her victims’ eyeballs” AN IDEAL WOMAN IN MY BOOK.

Excitement Rating: As excited as I was when I found my first pube.

There we go, only three films on the Thursday, but you know what that means don’t you? More time for FUCKING.

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