No, not a film about a river that can absorb other rivers’ powers just by touching them – it’s actually a film about a weird bloke that likes to watch people sleep. I’m the opposite – I like to watch people while I sleep, it properly freaks them out. Anyway, he doesn’t just watch people sleep, because judging by the trailer, he also likes to kill people.
This doesn’t look like anything too original, but it does look pretty good, and besides, it’s got Bill Moseley in it. And he’s playing a weirdo. He’s just about one of the best actors in the biz at playing a weirdo.
Apart from Nicole Kidman.
Excitement Rating: As excited as I would be waiting in a queue in the cinema for a film called Rogue River.
Again, nothing too exciting or revolutionary here. Well, at least that what it seems like from the trailer – you never know, there might be a gigantic monster with a massive penis and gigantic biceps and a washboard stomach and flawless hair. But then the film probably wouldn’t be called The Holding – it would be called ME.
Excitement Rating: Not really that bothered. A bit like when faced with fucking kidney beans on a salad.
The Total Film Interview: Larry Fessenden
Erm, not that bothered about this because I haven’t seen any of his films. I think I’ll probably go to the pub instead – I’ve heard that there’s this drink called ‘lager’ that’s supposed to be quite nice.
However, I have to applaud the initiative taken by Total Film when deciding to conduct the entire interview on Larry Fessenden’s forehead.
Excitement Rating: I HAVE DOWNED AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF LAGER BEFORE IT WAS A JOKE.
I’m actually quite excited about this one because I’ve always been rather interested in the whole urban exploration scene. I did it a few times when I was younger but I’m far too busy rooting nowadays so I can’t really take the time out. Still, it’s a regular occurrence that I will go on the internet to research something worthwhile, then suddenly I’ll snap out of a trance and it turns out I’ve been looking at pictures of abandoned theme parks for five hours and there are tissues everywhere.
So yeah, as long as this is an 18 I reckon I could be in for quite the treat. If it’s not though, I’m putting someone’s head through a fucking window.
Excitement Rating: As excited as I am when I find a woman who finds my dinosaur impressions funny.
The Glass Man
Not too sure about this one – looks a bit boring. I’m not as much into these psychological character studies because more often than not, there aren’t any robots or tits in them. Now and again they’re ok, but I normally enter them with an air of trepidation.
A bit like women over 50.
However, Andy Nyman is in it, and I quite like him. He normally does the Frightfest quiz and so everyone will probably like it and give it a big cheer just in case he’s in the audience because they’re all pussies. However, if I don’t like the film I will have no beef with hurling dead rats at the screen whilst shaking the seat in front and screaming.
Excitement Rating: About as excited as finding an eyelash in my Shepherd’s Pie.
Tucker & Dale Vs Evil
Well excited about this one (certificate pending of course). I think it’s such a good idea for a film, especially when I factor in that I absolutely love films about killer rednecks. In this case though, they’ve flipped the concept on its head and the rednecks aren’t actually the bad guys, but all the other characters think they are.
There’s also someone going into a wood chipper, which is something which I think you’ll agree is very funny indeed.
Excitement Rating: As excited as I am every time I enter the gym. WHICH IS A FUCKING LOT.
Not really bothered about this one. It looks like just another Saw rip-off, with closer similarities to WAZ – basically, it’s all been done before and I couldn’t give a skidding fist about watching it.
Of course, I’m just going by the trailer and plot description – there’s always the chance that it could actually be good. I mean, chances are it’ll be an 18, so it’s always got that going for it.
And fingers crossed for some tits.
Excitement Rating: As excited as I am when I’m wearing a condom.
All in all, I’d say an average day today – some sure to be gems, some sure to be pellets of fucking shit.