Sounds like a film about me on a Saturday night when I’ve had too much to drink, but I don’t think this film is about that. It’s actually about giant trolls – SOUNDS LIKE A FILM ABOUT ME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN I’VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK. No, like actual gigantic, grotesque, monster trolls, like the ones from myths and legends – SOUNDS LIKE A FILM ABOUT ME ON A SATUR-
Yeah, Troll Hunter is one of those hand held camera movies, you know the ones:
“I’m going to document this event with my camera.”
“Good for you.”
“Oh shit, things are going wrong.”
“Uh oh, better put the camera down then”
“No way, I’m filming this.”
“That’s a stupid idea.”
“No it’s not, we need to document this.”
“No we don’t – if we do we’ll probably all die. Look, there’s a fucking monster behind you.”
“Oh, shit, better film it.”
“PUT THE FUCKING CAMERA DOWN YOU IDIOT.”
“No! Ouch, it’s biting my leg.”
“If you put the camera down you could probably punch it in the face. Ouch, there’s a monster biting me now – can you help me?”
“This is great stuff.”
“Can you put the camera down and fucking help me please? This monster is killing me.”
“Great shot, this is brill.”
“Well done, I’m dying now – fuck you.”
“What a neat twist.”
And this time it’s about trolls so it’s not going to be an 18 so I’m probably going to down three pints of vodka and go troll hunting in town instead.
Excitement Rating: As excited as finding someone else’s jizz on my toothbrush.
The Wicker Tree
I haven’t seen either of The Wicker Man films because neither of them know their times tables and they both do green shits. This is a sequel-of-sorts, insofar as it’s by the same director, has some of the same actors and it sort of follows the same theme. Therefore for this reason I would bet two gold arseholes that it’s going to be a 15.
Fingers crossed it won’t be, but I’ve already foil wrapped a mound of rabbit droppings and packed them with a pea shooter just in case the director turns up.
Excitement Rating: As excited as going to pick my nose and realising there are no bogeys in there.
Ooooh, Facebook – that’s topical isn’t it? Let’s make a horror movie about the internet – that’s not been done before. Voyeurism – what a serious issue.
I’m bored already.
Of course, if this is an 18 then I’ll most definitely change my mind. In fact I’ll probably change my underwear.
Excitement Rating: As excited as when I’m doing nothing but staring mindlessly at a packet of Pepperamis.
Fright Night 3D
This is NOT going to be an 18. It’s a teen movie isn’t it? The original was too, but teen movies in the ’80s weren’t fucking wet and didn’t give a shit if they were 18s. They walked into cinemas and said to all the 15s “Erm, GIVE A SHIT that I’m an 18.” And all the 15s said “Mum, Mum! Come wipe my bum I’ve done a poo!”
And then all the 18s said, “Don’t worry, come here and I’ll change your nappy” and the 15s said “Thanks!!” and then the 18s said “PSYCHE” and fucking put the 15s’ faces through the glass counter and pissed on them and shat.
Excitement Rating: As excited as I am during a dream when it turns out I’ve got my GCSE maths exam tomorrow and I haven’t even revised.
This is directed by Lucky Mckee, who did the amazing May. This is a good thing, so I’m happy. But then again, it’s also from the author of The Girl Next Door (Jack Ketchum), which was fucking depressing – so I’m not so happy now.
This one is about a feral woman that turns up out of nowhere, and gets taken into a family home and looked after. AND THEN TORTURED. For fuck’s sake Jack, why can’t you just do what any normal person would do, and have the film about a mental feral woman who runs around naked killing and fucking mailboxes and scissoring and shit.
This is going to be a tough watch, but I reckon it’ll be an 18 so swings and motherfucking roundabastards.
(I couldn’t find a trailer for this but this footage is from a screening of the film where some bloke went mental about the film. HE’S MAKING IT SOUND QUITE GOOD ACTUALLY.)
Excitement Rating: As excited as if I found a hole in the end of my condom.
This is from Tim Sullivan, Adam Green and Joe Lynch who have all made amazing 18s, which is great. It’s an anthology comedy horror made up of four segments – this is also a pretty good thing in my books. However, at Frightfest last year they showed one of the segments – The Diary of Anne Frankenstein – and it was FUCKING SHIT. So here’s me sawing a helpless rabbit’s foot off with a butter knife in the hope that the rest of the segments will be better.
FUCKING RABBIT CUNT.
Excitement Rating: As excited as I am when I’m in a quiet place and I know I’m going to do a massive fart and I don’t care who knows it.
Again, another day full of ups and downs, but mostly downs – something my penis is VERY used to.