Frightfest Preview (Day 4)

The Divide 

This is a post-apocalyptic horror from Xavier Gens – the guy behind Frontier(s) (which was an 18 for all you legends out there), so chances are it could be great.

Until that is, you realise that it’s not a mega-explosion all over your tits with a dildo kind of futuristic action movie – it’s YET ANOTHER of those ‘group of people stuck in a confined space oh no I wonder what’ll happen here everyone’s probably going to get along fine and find out they’re all really big Spice Girls fans and that they all universally agree that Scotch eggs are a rather enjoyable protein-filled snack oops no they’re not they’re actually going to fall out spectacularly and get all paranoid and probably start trying to kill each other but two of them might have sex at some point but mostly they’ll be wanting to kill each other.’ type movies.

You know the ones – ‘the danger’s not out there, it’s in here. The real evil is inside all of us.’ Fuck that, the real evil is inside ME – the morning after a curry.  That’s something you don’t want to see unleashed.

Actually I’d pay a fucking LOT to see that movie.

Excitement Rating: About as excited as I was when I started this ‘excitement rating’ idea because I thought it would be funny but now I can’t be bothered to carry it on so I think I’ll just stick with star ratings from now on.

Short Film Showcase and Andy Nyman’s Quiz From Hell

That's Andy Nyman. SHITCAPTIONALERT.

Most of the short films are shit usually (now and again you get an absolute stormer – Papa Wrestling), so I’m not that excited about them.  But I quite liked the quiz last year because I know FUCKING LOADS about 18s and so I thought I was going to win, but I had to skip all the questions about 15s and below (BELOW!!) so I didn’t win.

Dunt matter though cos the woman next to me still sucked me the fucking fuck off bollocks shit.

Excitement Rating: ******

The Innkeepers

That's the shadow of my dick on the wall btw

This is from Ti West, who directed the slightly pretty quite fairly alright 18 Cabin Fever 2, so we could be in for a treat.  He also directed The House of the Devil which is supposed to be really good, but I haven’t seen that one because the only chance I had to see it was this time when I could either watch it or play a game of fisting with a frigid supermodel.

I THINK YOU ALL KNOW WHICH ONE I WENT FOR.

Because I said I haven’t seen it you prick.

Anyway, this is a haunted house movie and it’s got a good chance of being an 18 so colour me pink.  Pink being the colour of excitement.

BECAUSE PINK IS ALSO THE COLOUR OF VAGINAS.

AND VAGINAS EXCITE ME.

Excitement Rating: ********

Saint

Remember that film Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale? No? Good – of course you fucking don’t because it’s a 15.

OI YOU – STOP LYING!

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

AND WIPE YOUR BUM BEFORE LEAVING!

Saint is about the real myth behind the Santa Claus legend, which I’m not too well-versed in, but I’m sure it’s got something to do with Santa Claus actually being evil or some shit.  Still, if it’s an 18 then it looks fucking wicked and if it’s not then it looks fucking shit.

Excitement Rating: ******

Kill List

Just have a quick look at this:

THIS WILL BE SODDING UDDER-SQUEEZINGLY THUNDEROUS.

Excitement Rating: **********

Detention

This looks a bit shit to be honest.  I have a feeling (in my loooooiiiiins) that it’s going to be one of those self-consciously OTT mental films where the filmmakers try and pack as many different weird and wacky elements into an hour and a half as is humanly possible.  You know, like:

“Hey, this film isn’t really wacky enough for my WACKY WACKINESS.”

“Yeah that’s true, what about we add a a character called ‘Cinderhella’?

“Great idea!  Still, we could do with some more WACKY SHIT.”

“Erm, what about some aliens in the sky.”

“Yes, that’s WACKERIFIC! More?”

“Erm, how about a stuffed grizzly bear that’s actually a time machine?”

“WACKAROONEY!”

“And one of the main character’s heads can transform into a fly?!?!?”

“WACK-A-DAY WACKUDDER WACK-A-MOLE DON’T LOOK WACK IN ANGER WACKATRONIC WACK OFF YOU FUCKING WACKY CUNT.”

The above things actually happen in the film – just read the synopsis.

Excitement Rating: **

Either way, whatever happens on this day, all I know is there is a 99% chance that I’ll be getting rimmed by a perfect 10 supermodel.

IN THE ARSE.

 

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