A Night In The Woods
Here’s the plot synopsis from the Frightfest website:
If you go out in the woods today, you’re sure of a big surprise! That MONSTERS man is back and FrightFest has got him! Join Scoot McNairy who made a massive impact in Gareth Edwards’ award-winning fantasy, Anna Skellern from THE DESCENT: PART 2 and rising British star Andrew Hawley on a hitchhike into stark, staring horror. Brody, his girlfriend Kerry and their friend Leo go hiking in Dartmoor’s Wistman’s Woods, so named because of its legendary haunted past. That night jealousies, sexual tensions and strained relationships come to a head turning what should have been a peaceful camping adventure into a trip into terror. As collective paranoia reaches fever pitch it becomes clear that there is a much darker force at work in the ancient eerie surroundings. Who or what is after them? And can any one of them survive a night in the woods?
The poster makes this look like a Blair Witch Project rip-off, and to be honest, so does the plot outline. I hope it’s not, because ‘a much darker force’ holds a lot of potential. It may mean many things, but I’ve got my fingers crossed that’s it got something to do with a hungover bout of the shits. Maybe the night in the woods is because the main guy has done too many shits in his toilet and it’s blocked so he’s got to go in the woods instead.
Can any of them survive a night in the woods? Does a bear shit in the woods? Can a bear survive a night shitting in the woods? Can you bear to see me at night shitting in the woods? Can you bear to see a bear spending a night shitting on my wood in the woods? Can a bear bear to see a bear spending his time at night shitting on your wood in the shitty woods? Would you care to see a bare shit bare care bear spending a bare shitload of time shitting and spending a penny on a shit wooden knight’s wood at night in the woods covered in shit?
As you can probably tell I’m not all that bothered about this one.
Excitement Rating: **
This is a horror comedy about zombies. Now there’s been loads of these, but I’ve pretty much enjoyed every single one that I’ve seen because I’m a fucking immature idiot with absolutely no standards. So basically, I think this one is going to be good.
Unless of course…
YES YOU GUESSED IT!
I shit myself during the screening.
Oh and also if it’s not an 18.
Excitement Rating: *******
Sennentuntschi: Curse of the Alps
Supposedly, this is the first ‘Swiss shocker’, which I find hard to believe, because I’m pretty darn sure that there have been films from Switzerland that aren’t 18s – and if that’s not shocking, then I don’t know what is.
Well I do. I know loads of things that are shocking. Like the size of my dick. That’s shocking.
BECAUSE IT’S REALLY BIG NOT BECAUSE IT’S REALLY SMALL.
Excitement Rating: ******
I’m very excited about this one. Not sure why though, because I’ve seen Cradle of Fear, which is from the same director – Alex Chandon – and it sucked big grey horse dick. Still, the trailer for this appeals to me for some reason – mainly just because I know it’s going to be really gory, and that’s half the reason I fucking go to Frightfest. To see gory horror movies. Of course, the other reason is for all the sweet poontang that I’ll be studding left, right and centre, but that’s besides the point.
Which is something all the minges won’t be.
Besides the point that is.
They’ll be around the point.
THE POINT IS MY DICK IN THIS ANALOGY BTW.
Excitement Rating: ********
A Lonely Place To Die
I have already talked about this one before – and I’ve expressed my disgust at the thunderously boring storyline. However, after seeing the trailer, it doesn’t look too bad, and besides, I also expressed the openness of my mind as I cling to the not slightly unreasonable hope that there might be some fit cannibals sloshing their tits about whilst having hot, sweaty sex with Melissa George.
FINGERS CROSSED EH LADS?
Excitement Rating: *****
So there we have it – I’ve finally finished my Frightfest preview. There are a host of other films playing on ‘The Discovery Screen’ but I can’t be bothered to write about those because there’s this mouthy slut ripping off my Calvins with her teeth and it’s about time I gave her what for so I’m gonna have to scarper sharpish.
See you at the festival!
I’ll be the one with the erection.
Actually come to think of it, that probably won’t make me stand out all that much.