Fucking fuck this shit. Literally fuck it. Put your dick in it and FUCK it. Open its arse, bend it over AND FUCKING FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
You may have noticed that I’m a bit angry. Well, you’ll probably want to know why, no?
Basically, I was perusing the BBFC website today and JESUS HOLY FUCKING CHRIST there was some shit on it. Take a little look at the following:
I assume this is some sort of joke right? This is the bloody lads at the BBFC pulling a fast one isn’t it? They’re larking about like a bunch of cheeky rogues aren’t they? What a gang of ripping legends pulling our legs eh? What a naughty bunch of coconuts?
Wait, my phone’s ringing brb.
OH TURNS OUT IT’S NOT A JOKE.
I would have watched all of these films, but the ones that are showing at Frightfest are the ones that bug me the most. That’s five 15s so far. FIVE 15S. Five films I won’t be watching.
Still, I’ve come up with a plan for sabotaging the screenings of each of the offending films:
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark – I’m going to dress up as an imp, crawl under the seats once the film starts and bite random ankles throughout the theatre. I’ll then pick a few lucky guests and rub my home-made imp shit into their fucking bollocks hair.
Final Destination 5 – I’ll wait until the film has started. Then halfway through I shall enter the auditorium with a loudspeaker and walk up and down the isles whilst shouting abuse at the audience. Abuse such as “I didn’t realise this was a baby festival for babies” and “Shouldn’t you lot be revising for your SATS?” I shall also hurl wet-wipes at various festival-goers whilst shouting instructions on how to wipe their own arse of all the baby shit that’s spraying out of it all the fucking time.
The Troll Hunter – I will release into the cinema a wild boar that I have starved for a week. Just before I release it I will also whisper in its ear that I have shagged its Mum.
Fright Night – I’ll leave a dog turd on all the chairs before the screening. Then I will piss on the dog turds. Then I shall leave the cinema eating Haribo and laughing extremely loudly.
A Lonely Place to Die – I haven’t actually thought of a good enough one for this yet but I assume it will be extremely childish and will probably involve animal excrement.
They’re gonna regret giving me a ticket to this.