Classic 18: Wrong Turn (2003)

[There are a few minor spoilers in this review but if that stops you from reading it then I think it’s about time you took that dummy out of your mouth and took your thumb out of your bum because I’m about to rain down on you like a tonne of shit.]

I will watch, and love, any film about killer rednecks, cannibals or inbred nutcases.  If the film has a combination of the all three – well then, ladies, you better put condoms over your heads because I’ll be firing pregnant jizz all over the ceiling and if any of it hits you, you’ll be firing babies out of your bum for weeks, and gentleman, you better put a nappies on sharpish because I’ll be pummeling you in the stomach so hard, you’ll be shooting screaming jets of shit out of your arses while I pour enough Haribo down my throat to fill a month of Sundays.

Basically, Wrong Turn is a combination of all three.  I was so excited about seeing this, I couldn’t even eat my usual quota of Pepperamis – and when this happens, you know something’s up.  And it certainly was, along with my penis.

In a nutshell (a rather long, detailed nutshell), Wrong Turn is about some bloke going to a job interview or something shit and boring, but he runs into a traffic jam, which coincidentally is also shit and boring.  So obviously, he doesn’t want to hang about in a queue of smelly cars, so he takes a WRONG TURN and goes off down a dodgy dirt track.

Then he’s changing CDs or having a wank or something and he crashes into this car full of teenagers.  So he fucks off his job interview and goes to find some help, which of course is at a really scary petrol station that’s run by a fucking dodgy redneck with no teeth.  I can’t quite remember what happens next but I’m pretty sure the redneck tells them not to go somewhere and they go there.

‘Arrows’ about that then??

Anyway, eventually some of them go missing and so everyone has to go and look for them.  While they’re looking for them, they stumble across what looks like loads of stolen cars next to an absolute shitheap of a house that looks so sodding scary that you’d have to be an absolutely unbelievably dozy moron to even think of going inside.

“LET’S GO INSIDE.”

So they’re in there and they find all these eyes and shit in jars and it’s really disgusting but they still walk around fiddling with things – that is until whoever lives there comes home.  So they all hide under the beds and it turns out that the guys that live there are revolting troglodytes with deformed faces and weird, long dicks with spots on them (I assume).  Not only are these guys fucking well ugly, but they’ve also killed the people under the beds’ mate.  If that’s not bad enough, they start chopping her to shit with big saws and cleavers whilst laughing like Beavis and Butthead.

I won’t ruin any more, but basically, all hell breaks loose and the inbreds start chasing and killing all the teenagers. In really gory ways – like this:

I LIKE THAT KIND OF SHIT.

There’s loads of stuff like this in Wrong Turn, and if you haven’t already shaved your head and stuck a toothbrush up your bum then I’d suggest you go and see a doctor because there’s something very, very wrong with you.

The bad guys are also some of the best inbreds I’ve seen on screen.  They’re a little like the guys from The Hills Have Eyes remake (they’re probably all mates in real life or something), insofar as they’re well rank blud, and they find killing teenagers absolutely hilarious (same) and also one of them is a twat.  Actually all of them are twats. Really big ones.

MY FAVOURITE KIND.

Either way, it’s bloody brilliant.  I give it 9 18s out of 10.

 

 

Also, a funny thing happened when I saw this at the cinema.  Me and a friend had gone to see it, and it was a relatively empty cinema – probably about 10 of us in there, and we were sitting the furthest forward.  As soon as the film finished, my friend immediately got up and left the theatre – I stayed sitting because I’m one of those cocks that has to wait just in case there’s a bit at the end of the credits even if all my friends are waiting for me.

Anyway, I was sitting there, and suddenly I heard a shout come from just outside the cinema.  Turns out that my friend had thought I was just behind him, and had waited behind the door outside and jumped out screaming at ‘me’ – although of course it wasn’t me, it was some bloke in a suit who had come to see the film on his own.

Pretty funny I thought.

THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT WAITING UNTIL AFTER THE END CREDITS.

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