The I Only Watch 18s Guide to Film Festival Etiquette

I’m going to Frightfest this weekend and I’m so excited I could tie a swan’s neck in a knot.  I’ve been to numerous film festivals before so I know how to act, but some of you might not, so I thought I’d give you a little guide on how to behave at a film festival like Frightfest.


That’s the light bouncing off my helmet up near the top.

Packing for the Festival

Of course, this is not like a music festival, where you might camp and so would need to take a tent, sleeping bags, beers, wellingtons etc, so you’ll have to alter what you bring slightly.  First off, make sure you dress well – it’s impossible for me to not look good, but it might be a bit harder for some of you.  Basically, look at some of the pictures of me on and you’ll have an idea of what to wear.

Then, I would suggest packing some energy drink.  Actually, loads of it.  You will need this to stay awake – you can alternate between big bottles, cans and those shot things, but I usually plump for some cheapo Tesco Red-Bull knock-off so that I can buy loads.

You will also need some Haribo – this is also necessary to stay awake.  It’s usually quite good to have something to chew on (that’s what she said) to help you concentrate, and as we all know, Haribo is the fucking best shit money can buy.  I usually go for Tangfastics, but sometimes I go old school with Starmix, or occasionally I think outside of the box and grab some Fantasy Mix.  Please stick to Haribo though, because crisps and popcorn are fucking noisy and annoying and you won’t like the taste of my fist.

It tastes like your mouth btw.

If you are a legend you can additionally pack your all access press pass like me but I doubt you’re as cool as that so I wouldn’t worry your little head about it.


Entering the Festival

Firstly, it is necessary to take a deep breath when entering the cinema as you will have to face the gigantic wall of B.O that will smash you in the face upon entry.

Although to be honest, you’re gonna have to inhale the film festival stench at some point anyway, so you could always just get it out of the way and suck it all in straight away.  Prepare yourself though.  I’d suggest one of those things they put in your mouth before you receive a thousand lashes.

Next it is essential to scope the area for yat.  If you arrive early, you can survey the field for good looking women and throw a couple of winks their way to get the groundwork in.  This will notify them to your supreme presence and will pay dividends later when you intend to mate with them.

If you are female, I’d suggest finding the hunks (aka me) and making the finger going into a hole motion with your hands whilst raising your eyebrows – this will inform the men of your intentions and might possibly grant you a sneak-peek as to the size of their penis through the semi-lob-on that may materialise.

Who said there wouldn’t be any tents at this festival eh?

Next up, you want to find your seat.

Candyman might be there. And you don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of Candyman.

Entering the Auditorium

Upon entering, make sure your manners are kept intact – no pushing, swearing or jumping off the wall and bringing down a rain of screaming elbows to the insubordinate that just touched your arm.  Then you must find your seat – the usher should show you where to go, and you must do as they say – again, no elbows.

Behaviour Towards Your Neighbours

This section depends on who you have to sit next to:

  • A normal looking person – Introduce yourself politely, make small talk about the festival.  A few examples: “Have you been to Frightfest before?”, “What film are you most looking forward to?” and “I know, these are pretty impressive calf muscles.”  If you’re lucky, you might have a friend for the festival.
  • A sweaty, smelly weirdo – Try to ignore them.  Place drinks in the cup holder opposite them, do not make eye contact, and only speak if spoken to.  It’s sometimes a risk to even smile at them – it might cause them to become insatiably attracted to you (this happens to me all the time).  DO NOT TAKE ANY SWEETS THEY OFFER YOU.  EVEN IF THEY ARE THE HARIBO TANGFASTICS CHERRIES.
  • A bare peng gyal dem/man dem – Winks, finger/hole hand motions and bicep flexes are the order of the day – you’ve literally hit the jackpot.  This has never happened to me (it’s happened to the people sitting next to me though), so if you’re lucky enough to be placed next to a hottie, DO NOT waste it.  Things to say include: “Look at all these squares, I’m so glad I got put with someone normal like you”, “All this Haribo is gonna play havoc with my six-pack”, “That was a great/shit film, what say we grab some lunch and talk it over?” and “GREAT RACK.”

During the Film

KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT. Unless you feel like there might be a chance for audience participation (which happens quite a lot at Frightfest), in which case you can join in with all the jeers and whoops and me-induced screams of pure ecstasy.

Also, tell whoever it is that you’re fingering to cease that din – people are trying to watch the film.

After the Film

I usually wait until the end credits just in case there’s some pointless bit that is never any good right at the end.  Then I’ll leave and it’s time for the interlude.

Festival Goer: “Have you got any 15s?” Stall Operator: “FUCK OFF.”

During the Interlude (short)

If it’s a short interlude, you’ve got a number of options.  You can go and re-stock on Haribo and energy drink, you can go and scope out some more honeys, you can try and make friends (gay), you can eat a sandwich or you can have a quickie in the bogs with a munter.

During the Interlude (long)

You have a much wider scope with regards to spending your time in the long interludes (particularly the lunch break).  Of course, eating is usually high on my list – there’s quite often a wealth of restaurants and shops surrounding most film festivals so you’d be hard pushed to go hungry.  I normally pick a high protein, low-carb meal in order to keep my flawless physique in check – particularly after all the Haribo and energy drinks.

You could also browse the shops outside and inside.  Most film festivals have stands outside selling T-Shirts, books and most importantly, 18-rated DVDs.  Spending a bit of time looking through the 18s and maybe buying some can be quite a good use of interlude time – especially if you end up with some sweet 18s that you can use to impress the ladies down the pub.

Speaking of which, you can go to the pub.  However, this is something of which I am extremely wary – for I’ve been to the pub between films before.  Chinning a couple of bloody lagers in between films only serves to do two things; firstly, to moisten the gussets of nearby females as they watch me pin alcohol in record time, and secondly, to make me fall asleep in the next film I’m due to watch.

This is a horrendous waste of money and I’m not a fan of wasting money – unless it is on alcohol, which makes this situation a bit of a conundrum.  Although if the next film is a 15, then it doesn’t matter if you sleep through it, so check the schedule beforehand.

The last, and easily most important use of a long interlude is to woo a yattie of your choice.  I like to use the “Would you like to discuss the film we have just seen over dinner/in the pub/in the park/in the ladies’ bogs?” opener that I mentioned before.  It nearly always works because the person you are talking to will be very interested in horror films otherwise they wouldn’t be at a horror film festival.

If they do not go for this, you can always just try the finger/hole hand movement again and if they don’t drag you into the toilets by your dick then they’re probably frigid or a lesbian or dead or something.

Leaving the Festival for the Day

If you have adhered to my advice throughout the day, then chances are you will be leaving the festival taking a companion of the opposite sex either back to your place, to a hotel, to a hostel, or to a luxury bus stop for a quick spot of studding.

If you are, for some strange reason on your own, then I suggest you get a footlong sub and some Kettle chips and eat yourself towards a triumphant, tearful and needlessly aggressive self-abuse session when you get home.

He clearly disobeyed my advice about drinking between films. Either that or there’s a 15 on.



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