So I’m back from Frightfest now and I’m absolutely knackered. A combination of endless film watching, late nights, early starts and relentless cubicle ramming in the girls bogs has truly taken it out of me and all I really want to do is sleep. But because I’m sure you want to know how many women I slept with over the weekend (and how good the films were) I thought I’d start my weekend write up now innit.
I’m only going to briefly outline my thoughts on the films that I saw because I figured it would be much better to give them proper reviews. And also I’ll be able to fit in more penis jokes that way.
So let’s start with Day 1:
So the first day was a Thursday, and there were only 3 films shown in order to ease us in gently without blowing our loads too soon. I’d taken the whole day off work so that I could make a special trip to buy extra condoms for the interludes, and I rocked up with my Adonis-like physique, flawless hair and no-holds-barred attitude at about 6 o’clock.
I immediately scoped the joint for peng yat, and a few choice cuts caught my eye – I’d be seeing them later. I also noticed that the potent stench of horror film festival B.O had greatly decreased since last year – this made me happy. Eventually I went into the auditorium to find my seat. It was a good one, up in the cloisters or whatever the fuck they’re called, with minimal chance of any tall dickheads ruining my view with their fucking greasy massive heads.
There was another stroke of luck hiding around the corner too – my seat-neighbors in the cinema. They were friendly, normal people who didn’t stink of shit or have dubious stains on their crotch and they made the weekend even better. Unfortunately, I didn’t get sat next to a single and up-for-it nympho who was far more interested in my oak than any film that was playing – but there’s always next year I suppose.
Then it was time for the films to start.
The first film was Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark which I didn’t watch because I’ve already sat all my GCSEs and I don’t fancy doing them again. So I lay a few banana skins about the place in the hope that some fat twat would stack it down the stairs and ruin the film for everyone.
The next film was Final Destination 5, which similarly, had a little bit of poo peeking out from behind its nappy so I skipped the fuck out of it. Knocked some prick’s drink right out of his hand though because afterwards I heard him say it was ‘quite good’.
Lastly, we had The Theatre Bizarre which was clearly (and IS clearly) an 18 so I decided to check it out. Good fucking job I watched it though because it was absolutely brilliant. No wait, sorry, I got myself mixed up a bit there. When I said ‘absolutely brilliant’ I actually meant ‘fucking wank’. No, oops, sorry again, when I said ‘fucking wank’ I actually meant ‘so fucking terrible I’d rather stick a Pepperami up my urethra than watch it again’.
It’s basically one of those anthology films with each short film (in this case, there are six) being directed by a different director. I was looking forward to two of these in particular – the one directed by Tom Savini, and the one about a woman who was addicted to consuming other people’s vitreous fluid. Unfortunately, along with the other segments, these two parts were so far up their own arse that they’d pulled their dick and balls in too and if they opened their mouths and you stuck a torch down there you could probably spot a bollock peering over the back of their tongue.
SO ALL IN ALL, A RIGHT FUCKING SOD-PUNCH OF A SHIT FOR THE FIRST DAY.
Don’t worry though, day 2 was much better.