I needed to step up my game. I hadn’t got the proverbial leg over and I’d only watched one film and it was shit. Today had better pull its finger out otherwise I was gonna kick off BIG TIME.
I got there just in time for the first film, Rogue River, which sounded like an 18 (and will probably be one) so I ventured in. It was about a stupid girl who catches a ride with a weird Bill Moseley-looking bloke (Bill Moseley) and ends up staying at his house with his even weirder wife. Obviously it turns out they’re both as mental as a two-bob anus that stops at every shit, and they start trying to kill her and stuff.
Overall, it’s nicely done and it’s tense and exciting enough, but if you’ve ever seen one of those horror films where a stupid girl catches a ride with a weird Bill Moseley-looking bloke and ends up staying at his house with his even weirder wife then you’ll find nothing new or original here. If you haven’t, then you’ll be in for quite the ride. Especially if you are watching it with me naked.
After the film I had a bit of a break and ate some eggs and drank some protein powder before flexing my biceps in the lobby and winking at females.
The next film was The Holding which is a 15 so I skipped it. However, I did sneak into the theatre with an infrared camera to survey the auditorium and find out where all the hotties were sitting. This would come in handy later.
Next up was ‘The Total Film Interview with Larry Fessenden” which I didn’t bother with because as far as I can gather, Larry Fessenden makes films for children’s playgroups and summer camps and I’m not a member of a playgroup or a summer camp. Afterwards there was a panel discussion with a load of horror directors like Adam Green, Joe Lynch and Ti West, which was quite interesting on the whole because they talked about a lot of 18s. They also swore a lot – men after my own fucking heart.
After that, we had a bit of a break and I ate a subway (a footlong – I’m not gay) and bought some more sweets for my gob, before heading back to the cinema for Urban Explorer. This sounded like an 18 (I’m guessing it will be, too), so I went to see it.
It’s about some people who go on an illegal tour underneath the streets of Berlin, exploring old Nazi hideouts and tunnels full of turd. Of course, it’s not just a film about some people wading through shit because that would be, well, literally shit. Obviously, as it’s a horror film they run into some crazy German nutcase who likes talking about the war and skinning people alive and pouring salt all over them.
The only annoying thing is, he’s speaking in German the whole way through so it’s hard to tell what he’s saying.
“What about the subtitles? Why didn’t you just read them you soggy fart?”
Because they forgot to bring the print that had subtitles on it.
So this didn’t exactly make for a great time, especially seeing as half the film is in German. I can understand a bit of German, so I would be able to tell when he was saying ‘Thank you’, ‘You’re welcome’ and ‘I want you to put your finger in my bum this instant’ but everything else went in one hole and out the other. Unfortunately, this made it slightly annoying, and the constant running and screaming and stupid decisions made it even more annoying. Overall it was a bit shit.
Next up was The Glass Man which was too busy watching Power Rangers to let me anywhere near it so I vetoed it like the stud that I am and went rooting in the bogs instead. For as the old saying goes:
“If a film’s for babies, then you might as well go elsewhere and slide your penis into a vagina because you’re not full of shit.”
After that, it was time for Tucker and Dale Vs Evil, which I was so excited about I’d already rubbed a hole in my pocket after twisting my bollocks around too hard. However, as I was walking into the cinema I overheard someone say “Bit annoying this film’s a 15 isn’t it?”
BACK TO THE WOMEN’S BOGS FOR SOME MORE RUTTING IT IS THEN.
It turns out that they were actually still too high. It was pretty shit all round. It’s about some people who wake up in a room and they don’t know how they got there and there’s a screen with a woman on it telling them they’ve fucking blah blah blah oh jeez my Haribo’s run out now I’ve definitely got no reason to still be here.
There was nothing original about this film – not even the relentless gore could peak my interest, especially when there was this broad that kept tapping me on the back and whispering ‘willy in minge NOW’ in my ear constantly.
So yeah, lost interest in this film pretty quickly.
Afterwards, I waited until everyone had left and then I snuck back into the auditorium, consulted my earlier hottie scope video and left condoms with my number on them on all the seats where fit girls were sitting. Then I headed home with my fingers crossed that the next day would be better.
SNEAK PREVIEW: IT FUCKING WASN’T.