Frightfest Round Up: Day 3


So, fresh from my rip-roaring rampage of rooting yesterday, I was ready for some more 18s and of course, a swift slice of ram round the back of the motherfucking bike sheds.

So first up was Troll Hunter;

Fit woman: I can’t wait to see Troll Hunter.

Fit woman 2: No neither can I – it’s going to be great!

Me [interrupting]: You do realise it’s a 15?

Fit woman 1 [visibly blushing]: Oh, I didn’t realise that.

Me: It’s true.

Fit woman 2 [becoming flustered]: I was only joking, I didn’t really want to see it.

Me: You are correct.

Fit woman 1 [taking off her bra]: Weeeeeeeeeeeee!

Me: Not here, girls.

Fit woman 1: Then where?

Me: To the women’s bogs – onward!

Then after that it was time for The Wicker Tree which is the sequel to some crock of shit from the seventies which I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot double-ender.  Instead I decided to leave some hotdogs on the stairs in the theatre so that people would slip on them and get a harsh portion of realisation that they’re going to watch a 15 in the form of the floor in their face.

Then it was off for some lean meat and eggs to keep the metabolism running high.  Girls don’t like fatties.

After that, it was Panic Button, which I wasn’t too sure about – it sounded lots like a 15 to me.  I mean it was about social networking and anyone, no matter their age, can join Facebook.  Still, I thought I’d give it a go because I like taking risks and I’d spent a fuck load on these sodding tickets and I wasn’t watching any of the fucking films.

You see, he who dares wins. Panic Button was good fun.  I was slightly worried it might not be an 18 but then I got a helpful tweet from the film’s writer informing me it was an 18.  That was close because if it wasn’t I would have had to smash up my flat or something.

It’s about four teenagers who go off on a private jet to New York as part of an online competition prize they’ve won. Only it’s not all fun and games because there’s this fucking animated alligator on the TV and he’s a right old pillock because he starts getting them to kill each other and shit.

It’s all very silly, but I bloody well liked it and if you’ve got a problem with that, then here’s a ticket to a trip to New York on a private jet – I don’t really want it anymore. Here, have it.




Next up was Fright Night which is clearly a punch in the grollies to the original because it’s a 15.  The original is brilliant and it’s an 18. JOIN THE DOTS POINDEXTER.

The penultimate film was The Woman, which is basically about this feral woman (the best kind) who gets captured by a seemingly normal family and kept chained up in their basement and raped and tortured.  Yeah, a real roller-coaster riot!

Didn’t really like it, thought it was harsh for the sake of being harsh, hidden under the pretense of ‘exploring the evil inherent in supposedly normal people’ and to make matters worse, it then goes and destroys all the ‘serious’ comment and build-up in a face-ripping finale that’s nothing different to a slasher flick.

There ARE tits in it though.

Lastly was Chillerama, which was brought to us by the guys behind some amazing 18s – Joe Lynch, Adam Green and Tim Sullivan.  Therefore it should be good right?


I mean I’m childish and all that*, but this was puerile in the extreme – real primary school stuff.  Although saying that, the short segment about shitting was hilarious.  I haven’t really thought this argument through have I?

Oh well, it’s embarrassingly unfunny.  I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

So that was day 3 over.  I’d had my fair share of protein, I’d put my willy into a few choice flanges and I’d seen at least one really good 18.  So off home it was for a quick shit and a comfy bed to get myself ready for the next day’s bonkatronic bonanza.

*willy willy bum poo coming out of your willy into a bum bum fuck
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