Wowzah, this watching films/shagging/running about being extremely fickle and childish act was taking it out of me – I was well and truly spent. Which is why I thought ‘shove it’ and skipped the first film today – I was knackered, hungover and besides, this mint broad didn’t want me to leave. So I stayed about for a bit more ramshank and finally left when she got bored of me talking relentlessly about horror films and not letting her speak. The last straw was the Predator impressions.
I HATE FRIGID GIRLS.
Anyway, first up was The Divide which as I’ve just said, I didn’t watch. So after that I ventured into the cinema for the big quiz which I obviously wasn’t going to win because they always include questions about under-18 films which I know fuck-all about. But I did it anyway because they gave you a pen and a piece of paper and I hadn’t drawn any cocks for ages and was starting to have withdrawal symptoms.
I had a go but in all honesty, I was shit.
Next up was a short film showcase which was a massive risk but I thought I’d go anyway because they don’t really count as films so it wouldn’t be too hard to forget the pussy ones. The pussy ONES – as in films – I NEVER forget a pussy.
They were mostly shit and I slept like a bitch through a lot of them but there were two insanely brilliant ones – Banana Motherfucker and Brutal Relax, one of which you can watch right here you sick bastard:
The next film was The Innkeepers which was a ghost story and in my experience, unless it’s an ‘erotic’ ghost story, it’s not going to be an 18. So I skipped it because it wasn’t an erotic ghost story and instead went to act out an erotic ghost story of my own.
This involved walking into the girls’ bogs wearing a sheet over my head with a hole cut out for my willy to go through and into minges. The girls loved it.
Now came the dilemma – the next film (Saint) sounded right up my street, but I had no idea whether it would be an 18 or not. I went for it anyway – one of those condoms with my number on them had come in handy and a girl had called me, asking to meet me on the back row during the screening. I figured I’d cut my losses and dive in – if it was rubbish I could just concentrate all my attention on fingering.
But then again, it’s about a zombie Santa Claus – how could I not like it?
I really enjoyed Saint, but I still don’t know if it’s going to be an 18 or not – it wasn’t obvious. Had this been the ’80s, it definitely would be, but I’ve heard that some 15s can be pretty gory nowadays, so who knows? But as it stands, I’m going to recommend this film, but if there comes a time when it’s classified as a 15, then I’m retracting that recommendation faster than my penis when I discover a woman has more than 25 pubic hairs.
But here and now, I loved it.
Ditto the fingering.
Next up was Kill List which I already knew was an 18 so I was back in my seat the minute my lizard was drained. Although it seemed I was not the only one who was excited about this one – you could smell the swollen minges a mile off.
I SODDING LIKED IT. It was a dark and dirty British thriller that started off as one film and ended as a completely different one, but in a good way. It was mint and scary and violent and funny and mint and wicked and mint and MINT.
I recommend it wholedickingly.
The final film of the night was Detention which was so shit I withdrew halfway through, wiped myself off and went home early. Unfortunately for my six-pack, this meant stopping off at Subway, ordering a footlong protein with extra carbs and gherkins, a packet of carbs and a large diet sugar. Still, I was home in time to do a poo without waking everyone up.
The same couldn’t be said for the screeching and explosive wet-dream I had during the night though.
Only one day left now…