A person: Hi.
A person: How are you today?
Me: I’m ok thanks, you?
A person: I’m great – nice day isn’t it?
Me: It is quite nice isn’t it? I’d say it was a perfect temperature!
A person: You got that right!
Me: So anyway, did you want something or did you just want to talk about the weather?
A person: Oh silly me! Yes I did want something, sorry. I just wanted to ask you if you’d like to come and see a film?
Me: Well that depends on a number of factors, one in particular.
A person: Yes?
Me: Well, it has to be an 18.
A person: It is!
Me: Great, talk to me.
A person: There will be lots of tits and vaginas in it.
Me: Oooh I like tits and vaginas.
A person: It’s a porno.
Me: Ooooh I like pornos.
A person: It’s in fucking 3D.
Me: This just gets better.
A person: Do you want to see it then?
Me: Why don’t you ask my erection you fucking dunce.
A person: I’LL TAKE THAT AS A YES!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
This was roughly what happened just before I saw 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy – only I went with a different person in the end because a much fitter girl came along and pornos are perfect for first dates. So, onto the review:
3D Sex and Zen is about this bloke who tricks a woman who is way out of his league into falling for him because he can draw really good pictures (I agree with his tactics – girls go wild for my Wolverine vs. The Hulk) and they eventually get married. Obviously, now that they are married they can have sex (FRIGID OFF) so the bloke waits until his penis is engorged with blood which causes it to become erect (stiff and hard) and he inserts it into his wife’s vagina which aids the entry of the penis with naturally produced lubricant that is created as a result of her arousal. He then proceeds to move it in and out of said vagina until he experiences an orgasm and ejaculates sperm up into her cervix. However, because he’s fucking shit at sex this only lasts about 20 seconds. It’s nothing on my 12 hour tantric sex sessions behind the bike sheds.
To demonstrate how rubbish he is at vaginering, there’s a really long and absolutely hilarious montage of premming that had me in absolute stitches. So basically, his wife is getting a bit pissed off because she’s not bloody having any orgasms apart from when she sits on the washing machine but washing machines weren’t invented when this film is set so she can’t even do that. But don’t fret, Mr Cumpants decides to travel off to a cave full of naked women in order to learn how to do sex better.
There he meets some bloke with a gigantic penis who has sex with loads of women and he asks him for a bit of help. So the man with the big willy (no not me silly)* decides to give him some tricks of the trade – things like reciting each actor who has played Jason Voorhees over and over again to delay ejaculation and not wearing a condom because you’re not a lightweight. Only Mr Cumpants gets a bit carried away and starts spending all his time at the cave (who wouldn’t?) and forgets about his poor wife who’s at home sitting on the washing machine not sitting on the washing machine.
Then everything goes absolutely bat-shit after this happens:
Once Mrs Snake-Dick appears on the scene, all that’s left is a load of penis amputation, donkey dick transfusion, flying chain sex, erm, horrible sharp things getting put where you don’t want them, loads of bouncing boobies, very large oaks waving their helmets about the place, martial arts, throwing knives, dismemberment and jizzing, lots and lots of jizzing.
If you haven’t put together the pieces of this extremely simple puzzle, you won’t have been able to work out that I fucking loved this bloody movie, I mean I really really bloody shoved it the big’un. It’s funny, sexy, exciting, action-packed and it has many, many, many pairs of breasts in it.
AND IT’S IN 3D.
There’s so much shit spouted about 3D films, but as long as they’re filmed in 3D – it generally makes the films a lot more fun. I like 3D and I’m going to keep on seeing 3D films because I couldn’t give 36 floating chods about what anyone else thinks. So as 3D Sex and Zen was filmed in 3D, it meant that it was much better than if it was in 2D – particularly as tits look much better in three dimensions. I know this because I have seen them in real life as well as in films and on the internet.
Penises are a bit more off-putting in 3D but the knobs are so gargantuan in this film it just ends up being hilarious. Half the time they’re in gashes anyway so you’ve not got to worry about getting your eye poked out or anything.
Either way, the film is wicked and the 3D is wicked and my crotch and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’d hazard a guess that you and your crotches will enjoy it too – I suggest you get yourself out of bed, shut that laptop (what you were looking at was DISGUSTING), have a shower, put on some clothes and go out and watch the film. Failing that, rent or buy it (dunno if it’s out yet) but please try and see it in 3D because I’ve tried having sex with a picture of Neve Campbell printed out over 6 sheets of A3 paper with a hole cut in the knickers and it ended in nothing but small, bloodless incisions and a long, serious look at how I was living my life.
DON’T LET THE SAME HAPPEN TO YOU.
I give 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy 8 18s out of 10.