I really enjoyed the first Human Centipede, so I had my nips in a right old slanging match with each other in anticipation for the sequel. Then the dreaded news hit my butt-cheeks – it had been banned. This wound me up no end – Tom Six had promised a movie so outlandish and disgusting that I’d already sellotaped my first Human Centipede DVD shut, never to be watched again. Tried to flush it down the toilet too but that didn’t work – probably shouldn’t have tried to do it straight after a shit.
Anyway, it was banned and I was pissed off.
But then the BBFC announced they were releasing it! I pulled my trousers up as high as they would go, I superglued my bottom lip to my nose, and I went to Thorpe Park and pissed in the log flume water – I WAS LITERALLY THAT EXCITED. But then they had to go and ruin it for me by announcing they’d cut it by 2 minutes and 37 seconds – that’s a whole lunchtime shit (minus wiping)!!! So down the trousers went to their normal level, and out came the lean chicken breasts and broccoli for a hefty session of comfort eating – a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the arm-dominating fucking gigantic whips.
But hey, it was an 18 so I guess I had to watch it. Which I did. Let me tell you what I thought of it:
First off, I didn’t think the first Human Centipede was that gross – sure, the idea behind it is insane, but once you’re over that, there’s not much more that’s too hard to stomach. And there are tits in it too which is a nice change from the films I usually watch.
NOT REALLY I’M ONLY JOKING YOU CUNT!!
However, The Human Centipede II is absolutely bloody sodding disgusting in every possible way. It’s relentlessly extreme and even though it’s been cut, it’s still one of the most disgusting movies I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of disgusting movies – I’ve even seen that one which you can only get on DVD at my house about that bloke that looks like me putting dog shits in the video recorder to see if there are movies on them. That one is gross.
Basically, the ‘story’ is about this fat car-park attendant who absolutely obsesses over the first Human Centipede film, watching it every day and licking his lips and touching his willy and stuff. So obviously, the next step in showing his appreciation of the film is to make a human centipede of his own, so he goes about knocking people over the head with a crowbar and then stitching their arses to other people’s mouths.
This time around, you see every stage of the centipede’s creation in stomach-churning detail – it’s absolutely revolting. From here on in it just gets worse – the pooing bit is one of the queasiest pieces of cinema I’ve seen in a long while, and I’ve seen that film about that bloke who puts dog shits oh sorry I’ve already told you about that one.
The one big surprise was how well-made it was; Laurence R. Harvey puts in an absolutely brilliant performance as the central freak (especially considering it’s his only film role) and the cinematography and special effects are absolutely stellar – even if it is in black and white. Black and white films are usually for pussies and lightweights, but not in this case. This is up there with Man Bites Dog (18, seen).
On the downside, the dialogue is pretty terrible, some of the acting is bottom of the barrel shit and the plot takes some pretty unrealistic turns – but then again, it’s a film about a bloke who stitches people’s arses to other people’s mouths so quit whining and eat your brussels sprouts.
Also there are far more tits in it this time so I wouldn’t worry yourself too much.
Anyway, I enjoyed it to some extent; it wasn’t as good and no way near as fun as the first one, but it does its job – to gross the fuck out of anyone that watches it. It’s a shame it’s cut, but if you’re really sad and pedantic and absolutely must see the uncut version (like me), then it’s been released in other countries in its full form so you’ll be able to get hold of it somehow.
I suppose I’ll have to recommend it, mainly because anyone going to see it will be going with an exact idea in their mind of what to expect. Nobody’s going expecting to see anything else other than people eating poo, and that’s what they’re going to get. Particularly if the guy sitting behind you in the cinema taps you on the back and when you turn around he’s actually eating poo. Luckily that didn’t happen to me!
Happened to the bloke in front of me though.
I give The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) 6 18s out of 10
N.B The sequel is already in pre-production – one can only imagine where he’s going to go with this one…
The Human Centipede III (In Space)
The Human Centipede III (There’s A Horse In This One)
The Human Centipede III (The Human Daisy-Chain)
The Human Centipede III (Does My Bum Taste Big In This?)
The Human Centipede III (The College Years)
The Human Centipede III (The Celebrity Human Centipede)
The Human Centipede III (Erm, Why Has The Second Guy From The Front Got An Erection?)
The Human Centipede III (You’re Fired!)
The Human Centipede III (The Human Centipede vs. Snake 2 on the Nokia 3310)
The Human Centipede III (This Joke Has Officially Run Out Of Steam)