It was Halloween the other day, and I was too busy trick-or-treating to write any reviews, so sorry. Although it also seems everyone else was too busy to give me any fucking sweets. I suppose it didn’t help that my costume was mangina-era Buffalo Bill, but whatever. Anyway, as it was Halloween, I thought I’d take a look over one of my favourite horror films and swear about it a bit.
I’ve seen all the Halloweens that are 18s, and even if there’s not even as many wicked killings in the first one as the rest, I still like it the best. That’s what I think, and in the confines of the padded cell that I call my bathroom, that’s all that fucking matters, buddy.
I first saw it when I was quite young, and it scared at least three pellets of shit from my quivering anus – it’s properly frightening and as an early example of the slasher movie, it’s pretty hard to beat. Of course, it doesn’t bother me anymore because if ever I’m watching it and I start to feel a bit scared, I just pause the DVD, stand in front of the mirror and tense my biceps whilst screaming expletives – no fucker with a poncy white mask is gonna mess with these whips.
Ok, it’s not a poncy white mask, it’s probably one of the best horror villain masks of all time – it’s up there with Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask, Harry Warden’s gas mask, Leatherface’s leather face and Sarah Jessica Parker. The fact that it’s just a William Shatner mask turned inside out and painted white makes it all the more impressive – I can’t quite get my head around the thought process, but whoever came up with it was an absolute genius. It’s a bit like when everyone laughed when I put steak, chicken breast and egg in a blender with some chocolate protein powder and made a power smoothie, but when they drank it they – oh wait, they hated it. But they weren’t laughing when I was elbowing them in the dick were they?
DO NOT INSULT MY POWER SMOOTHIES.
Anyway, the mask is fucking scary, the film is fucking scary, the music is fucking scary, and my willy when I went to the doctors to check for a hernia and he cupped my bollocks and asked me to cough was fucking scary – it was like a little pink midget gem.
So, that music that I mentioned eh? Well, it’s one of the all time great horror theme tunes, it’s up there with the Friday the 13th score, the Candyman score, the Phantasm score, and Steps: The Greatest Hits.
Yes, I realise I’ve just done essentially the same joke as the mask one but if you count the amount of jokes on this website, I think you’ll realise that you’re getting a fuck load of bang for your buck, so I’d just keep that gobby trap of yours shut and make do with what you’ve got.
Anyway, John Carpenter wrote the theme himself because he’s an absolute legend (he also did the The Thing and Assault on Precinct 13 soundtracks which are are a flock of deece), and it’s pretty much impossible to improve upon. Although lyrics might have added a bit more oomph to the proceedings;
The name’s Michael Myers and I’ve got a big knife
Call me a prick and I’ll kill your wife
I’ve got a big dick but I keep tight-lipped
Cos it wouldn’t really fit in the script
Oh by the way, do you know what I hate?
Baby-sitters, they can fuck off mate
That’s basically why I do what I do
Anyway, I’m off, need a massive poo
Don’t you agree?
But lyrics or no lyrics, it doesn’t really matter a sod, because everything else about Halloween is pretty much flawless. Ok, if it was made now, it would be the usual tread through slasher territory (albeit, a very very good one), but because it was one of the first to get there, it makes it a thousand times more orgasmic. It pretty much laid the foundations for all the slashers of the ’80s to build their fucking amazing house on. A house that has at least 250 toilets, so if you ever need a shit you haven’t got far to go – it’s my dream house.
Talking of dreams and shit, I had a dream recently where I was at a party with a load of friends, but had to leave them to go and find the toilets because I needed a poo. Eventually I found the toilet, walked in and found that it was a massive open-plan unisex loo-room, with single cisterns dotted around the place, with no cubicles or partitions. I thought this was a bit strange, but there wasn’t anyone else in there and I had a Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtlehead, so I went for it. After I’d finished, I found that there wasn’t any toilet paper left and slowly worked out that I would have to use all the WWE wrestling magazines littering the floor to wipe my bum.
Sorry to digress, but if anyone knows what the fuck that means, then please email me.
Anyway, yeah – Halloween is great and if you haven’t seen it, then I seriously doubt we can be friends. I’ve got a lot of mates, but I’m never averse to making new ones, particularly if they meet my strict guidelines for looks and personality, but if you haven’t seen Halloween, then I’d probably leave it before you attempt to even think about speaking to me.
Females though, do not worry – even if you haven’t seen it, I am still interested in a rendezvous with your vagina.
I will NOT however, let you anywhere near my PS3.
I give Halloween 10 18s out of 10.