So, they’re fucking remaking American Psycho:
[Int: Movie studio office. Two high powered executives are talking and staring at each others’ crotches]
Prick Executive 1: We need a good idea for a film.
Prick Executive 2: I agree, got any ideas?
Struggling Genius Scriptwriter: I’ve written an absolutely fantastic original script.
Prick Executive 1: Cut this prick’s bollocks off and feed them to me, then shoot him in the head. We don’t need smarms like this.
[Prick Executive 2 cuts the struggling genius scriptwriter’s bollocks off and feeds them to Prick Executive 1 before shooting him in the head]
Prick Executive 2: Right, so any actually good ideas?
Prick Executive 1: Hmm, we need something that will definitely make a profit but is still quite pointless to make.
Prick Executive 2: I like it.
Prick Executive 1: Also, I think maybe something that is going to piss everyone off.
Prick Executive 2: Yeah yeah yeah I love it.
[A man enters who is wearing a suit with the arse cut out and is eating hunks of his own shit]
Shit-Eating Bastard: BLUUAAR WHAT BOUT AMERICAN PSYCHO?
[Everyone begins to fellate each other whilst an equally idiotic man in another room rolls up 100 dollar bills and inserts them into his urethra]
~TWO YEARS LATER~
[Ext: The American Psycho premiere red carpet]
Interviewer: So, tell us a bit about the film.
Director of Remake Udder-Discharge: I LITERALLY COULDN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYONE. NOW WATCH THIS DRIVE.
It’s not a bloody good idea is it? This is because American Psycho is pretty much perfect in every possible way. Had I read the book before seeing the film (and not the other way around), I would’ve laughed in the gusset of anyone who had even thought about attempting to make it into a film.
It’s quite possibly one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever read.
IT’S MY FAVOURITE BOOK EVER.
But somehow, Mary Harron managed it – it’s absolutely brilliant. Christian Bale puts in one of my all-time favourite performances and everything about the film is completely and perfectly realised. I love it.
It’s also hilarious, easily the most intentionally funny film that isn’t marketed as a comedy that I’ve ever seen – I originally watched it at a sleep over (read: orgy) when I was younger, back in the day when we all used to rent what we thought would be the most disgusting movies in the shop (back in the day – good one). Turns out it’s not that gross at all, but it was sodding hilarious – even at the age I watched it. Subsequent viewings have only uncovered even more laughs, and I hold it in such high regard now that I once got naked and chased my girlfriend down the corridor with a chainsaw.
Don’t tell the police that though.
If you haven’t seen it, watch it this instant – it’s even better than that film that you made that time.
I’ll give it 10 18s out of 10 because I can’t really think of anything wrong with it.