Classic 18: American Psycho (2000)

So, they’re fucking remaking American Psycho:

[Int: Movie studio office.  Two high powered executives are talking and staring at each others’ crotches]

Prick Executive 1: We need a good idea for a film.

Prick Executive 2: I agree, got any ideas?

Struggling Genius Scriptwriter: I’ve written an absolutely fantastic original script.

Prick Executive 1: Cut this prick’s bollocks off and feed them to me, then shoot him in the head.  We don’t need smarms like this.

[Prick Executive 2 cuts the struggling genius scriptwriter’s bollocks off and feeds them to Prick Executive 1 before shooting him in the head]

Prick Executive 2: Right, so any actually good ideas?

Prick Executive 1: Hmm, we need something that will definitely make a profit but is still quite pointless to make.

Prick Executive 2: I like it.

Prick Executive 1: Also, I think maybe something that is going to piss everyone off.

Prick Executive 2: Yeah yeah yeah I love it.

[A man enters who is wearing a suit with the arse cut out and is eating hunks of his own shit]

Shit-Eating Bastard: BLUUAAR WHAT BOUT AMERICAN PSYCHO?

[Everyone begins to fellate each other whilst an equally idiotic man in another room rolls up 100 dollar bills and inserts them into his urethra]

~TWO YEARS LATER~

[Ext: The American Psycho premiere red carpet]

Interviewer: So, tell us a bit about the film.

Director of Remake Udder-Discharge: I LITERALLY COULDN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYONE.  NOW WATCH THIS DRIVE.

***

It’s not a bloody good idea is it?  This is because American Psycho is pretty much perfect in every possible way.  Had I read the book before seeing the film (and not the other way around), I would’ve laughed in the gusset of anyone who had even thought about attempting to make it into a film.

It’s quite possibly one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever read.

IT’S MY FAVOURITE BOOK EVER.

But somehow, Mary Harron managed it – it’s absolutely brilliant.  Christian Bale puts in one of my all-time favourite performances and everything about the film is completely and perfectly realised. I love it.

It’s also hilarious, easily the most intentionally funny film that isn’t marketed as a comedy that I’ve ever seen – I originally watched it at a sleep over (read: orgy) when I was younger, back in the day when we all used to rent what we thought would be the most disgusting movies in the shop (back in the day – good one).  Turns out it’s not that gross at all, but it was sodding hilarious – even at the age I watched it.  Subsequent viewings have only uncovered even more laughs, and I hold it in such high regard now that I once got naked and chased my girlfriend down the corridor with a chainsaw.

Stop saying 'LOL'

Don’t tell the police that though.

If you haven’t seen it, watch it this instant – it’s even better than that film that you made that time.

I’ll give it 10 18s out of 10 because I can’t really think of anything wrong with it.

 

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