Leviathan (1989)

So the remake of The Thing is out in cinemas at the mo and I’ll tell you now, there’s no fucking way I’m letting my ten metre long schlong anywhere near that piece of shit. This causes problems because there are some nice bars near the cinema but I guess I’m going to have to venture elsewhere to uphold my required weekly slot quota.

Anyway, seeing the posters reminded me how much I liked the original and I sat down on my sofa naked and thought “I’d quite like to watch a horror film in which tentacles come out of someone’s arse, or at least something along these lines. Wow – I forgot how big my dick was.”

So I decided to watch Leviathan. It’s basically a bit of a rip-off of The Thing except it’s underwater – easily enough of a difference for me.  It’s got Peter Weller (Robocop, 18, seen) in it too, and if a film’s an 18 and it’s got Peter Weller in it, then I’m signing on the dotted vagina no matter what it’s about.  I was slightly disappointed to find that he didn’t play a robot in this, but whatever, the film made up for it in other ways.

NAMELY A ‘CRYING IN THE SHOWER’ SCENE.

Good stuff guys. I love those.

I JUST HAD A WANK AND IT FUCKING CANED

Anyway, Leviathan is about some underwater miners who are underwater mining (obviously, prick) when they stumble upon a sunken ship or submarine or some shit.  So they go in and find dead bodies and a Sega Megadrive – this ship has been down there for ages.  They take a look around, get back to their underwater base, get pissed, eat some disgusting food, engage in hilarious ‘banter’ with one another and generally lark about like a bunch of underwater legends.

Then one of them gets a bit ill.  So they call the big boss woman with the funny eyes who’s up on dry land and ask her if they can come up early because one of them has the shits – of course, there’s a massive hurricane up top so she says they’re going to have to wait 48 hours before they can be rescued. This is a tad inconvenient.

It quickly becomes even more inconvenient though, because if you look at the sick bloke in the infirmary you might notice that his arm is melting and it’s rank.  Also, look a bit closer, yeah a bit more, can you see that?  Yep, you’ve got it, there’s a little tentacle peeking out of his bum-eye isn’t there? That always spells trouble.

"I reckon he's going to be just fine."

So sick bloke quickly goes from

“Ooooh I’m a bit ill guys…”

to

“BBBLLLLEEEEUUUUAAARRGGHH I’M A FUCKING TENTACLE MONSTER YOU SODS!!”

From here on in, it’s body morph-a-plenty with more grotesque transformations than you can shake a stick (with a tentacle coming out of it) at, as everyone is chased around the underwater base by a massive gooey monster who likes drinking blood.  I’m trying to think about a celeb I can compare this to, but I think I’m running out of jokes. Sorry.

If you knew what the girl I slept with yesterday looked like then I could use her. Oh well.

I really really enjoyed Leviathan.  Up until a point. Basically, it’s all going well and you’re getting some teasing glimpses at some pretty gross body-horror, but then about 20 minutes from the end, they reveal the full monster in full view.  You know at the end of The Thing when you see the massive ‘thing’ and it looks wicked? Yeah, well Leviathan isn’t like that.  In Leviathan, at the end you see the massive ‘leviathan’ and it looks like a sack of cods’ bollocks.

"EH! Why'a you no like'a ma pizza?"

Ruined it a bit to be honest.

Then it goes quickly downhill due to a number of ludicrous scenes which almost make all that which came before them redundant.  Luckily, the very last scene is FUCKING WICKED so that goes some way to making up for the travesty that was the big bad guy, but unfortunately the mark left by trout-face is a big one, and also of the ‘skid’ variety.

Bit of a shame, but once I’d turned the TV off, pulled the boxers out of my crack, shouted my number out the window at a girl and topped up the VO5 in my hair, I had a think about it and came to the conclusion that overall, I’d rather enjoyed it.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on exactly what it was that made me enjoy it, but oh well.

OH YEAH FUCK THAT WAS IT – ROBOCOP WAS IN IT.

6 18s out of 10

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