I’d heard a lot about this one; people saying it was brilliant, reviews praising its hard-hitting violence, blogs banging on about how amazing it was, and lastly a woman breaking into my flat and trying to tattoo ‘ELITE SQUAD IS WICKED’ on my dick.
We went out for a bit after that but she had a funny bend in her little finger that I couldn’t stop looking at so I had to ditch her.
Anyway, it turns out everyone was right – it was brilliant, it did include hard-hitting violence, it was amazing and it was WICKED.
It’s basically about this bloke that looks like Mark Ruffalo but isn’t Mark Ruffalo who’s some big-shot policeman or some shit, and he’s in charge of handling this prison riot at the beginning, but he fucks it up because some elite cop with a big gun shoots a prisoner and then it’s all over the news. So some people hate him, like his ex-wife’s new husband who’s this human rights campaigner, but the public love him because he was in charge when a so-called ‘scumbag’ was shot, so he’s promoted. If shooting people at work got you promoted in England, I would be sparking scumbags left right and motherfucking centre. Unfortunately, you have to ‘work hard’ or some crazy ass bollocks, if you want to move up the ‘ladder’ or some stupid shit like that.
Anyway, the long and hard of it (I think that’s the phrase) is that a load of the new ELITE SQUAD of po-po under this guy’s order end up going all corrupt but he doesn’t know it, and then it all gets pretty hectic pretty quickly. So hectic in fact, that quite a lot of the time I didn’t particularly know what was going on – it didn’t help that people had strange Brazilian names like Nascimento, Diogo Fraga and Guaracy, not easy to remember names like ‘Fat Television Host’, ‘Twat Cop’, ‘Human Rights Man’ and ‘Mark Ruffalo’.
Still, if you’ve got a remote on hand, then you can always rewind and catch up to what the fuck is going on. Which is what I did. Especially when I had been texting, flexing my biceps in the mirror or flicking my bell-end – it turns out you can’t do these things when you’re watching a subtitled film, because you can’t read the subtitles simultaneously.
Unless of course you can point your eyes in different directions like a chameleon. I can only point my bum eye and dick-eye in different directions, but I can’t see out of my dick-eye and whenever I look out of my bum eye everything has a brown tint with yellow spots, so it sort of ruins the film.
Either way, if you’re watching it properly (and paying attention) then you’ll find much to love. Including but not limited to:
- Fantastic acting from the entire cast.
- Twists and turns aplenty.
- Some extreme violence.
- Some awesome (and realistic) gun-fights.
- A really bloody good bad guy.
- Some shocking ‘Oh Shit/Fuck!’ moments.
- A sweet shot of me tweaking my pert buttocks for the ladies.
The last one you only get on the special features.
And by ‘special features’, I mean if you happen to be a beautiful lady and you are watching the film with me and I am naked and tweaking my pert buttocks for you.
All around, it’s a sodding rollocking slice of crunchy gut-fucking with a side-order of glute-pulsing, protein-spraying karate chops to the groin that’ll have you sinking your privates into a mound of fucking camembert with the intense relish of a tweaked-up thong-wearing slut with a chip on her shoulder and a serious case of the plodding shunters.
I give it 8 18s out of 10.