- The bit with the tits and vaginas in the sauna.
- The bit with the tits in the bedroom.
- The bit with the tits in the brothel.
- The bit where that bloke killed that prick in the toilet.
- The bit with the car and those other little pricks getting merked.
- That gross bit with the eye.
However, I thought that Hostel: Part II was a socking great big sloppy piece of bum-shrapnel. Apart from:
- The bit with the tits in the blood.
- The bit with the dick and the ripping.
Hostel Part II started really well, but then went downhill after the rug-pull (I normally love pulling rugs GET ME?) bollocks that was the end. And as I’ve said before,
condoms are for losers if the ending of a film is shit, it pretty much ruins the whole thing. So yeah, I thought Hostel: Part II was shit.
Despite all of this, and because I am an idiot who will never learn, I decided to watch Hostel: Part III. Or am I an idiot? Tell me. Go on, tell me Billy Big Bollocks. Gonna tell me are ya? Gonna answer my question? OOOOOOOH GIVE A SHIT. Go on, tell me I’m an idiot. You see that email address to the right? Yeah? Email me, email me and tell me I’m an idiot. Dare you.
I FUCKING DARE YOU.
Well, even if you do, you’ll be incorrect because I thought Hostel: Part III was the cat’s bell-end. It was far better than the second one (still not a patch on the first though) and surprised me no-end. Well, it surprised me the cat’s bell-end, but you know what I mean. Normally I enter into these DTV horror sequels with a pinch of white-dog-shit-dust, because they’re very often very shit. So when they’re good, my extremely low
hanging penis expectations are completely blown right down to the ball-sack. This happened with Hostel: Part III.
It’s basically about a bunch of average American jocks who go to Vegas for a stag night – one which involves gambling, shagging, drinking, dancing and going to strip clubs. Oh and getting your fucking faces pulled off your screaming head. Forgot about that one.
Obviously, as with the other Hostels, they meet some hot women (who for some reason that I will ponder to the grave, do not get their tits out) and end up smack-bang-bollock in the middle of the ‘elite hunting club’ that we’ve encountered before. Only they’ve switched it up a bit here, instead of just some sod in a room with a chainsaw, this being Vegas, they’ve gone the gambling route with the killing.
Basically, a load of twats with loads of money sit in a room and bet on something that doesn’t make any sense or some shit but who cares they don’t really need to explain the inner workings of this slap-dash gambling idea because look over there that man in a lab-coat is forcing cockroaches down that girl’s throat. So yeah, it’s a bit different this time round. Not sure how I felt about this direction, but who really cares, look over there that man in a lab-coat is forcing cockroaches down that girl’s throat.
Obviously it all descends into chase-movie territory come the end credits, but I saw that coming a mile off, so I wasn’t bothered. I was also well bloody into the film by that point and was genuinely rooting for the main character to survive. Weird, I know – normally I’ll spend the whole film fidgeting because I can’t be bothered to wait until every single living person in the movie gets killed by a pillock in a hockey mask. But not this time, I got really into it and even started shouting at the screen, which is not something I do normally. Unless I catch my reflection in the TV. Then I start shouting, but that’s normally because I get mixed up and think there’s another bloke in the TV and he’s got a bigger bone in his mouth than the one in my mouth, and I always end up dropping it because I’m screaming at him. But that’s another story.
There’s also a few genuinely surprising twists thrown into the mix. There’s an absolutely ace one at the beginning – before it happened, I actually thought it would be a brilliant idea if the film went in that direction, but then I tutted and rolled my eyes because I was watching a shit DTV horror sequel and they wouldn’t be cool enough to go there. But they only fucking WENT AND WENT THERE! Good stuff.
I read some reviews of the film online today and noticed that not many people agreed with me. Although not many people agreed with me when I created that skin-coloured Tipp-Ex, but that certainly wiped the smile off their faces.
So basically, don’t bother reading any other reviews, because THIS ONE IS THE FUCKING RIGHT ONE.
I’ll give it 7 18s out of 10.