The I Only Watch 18s Mega Oscars Post 2012

Hip hip horaaaaayy!! It’s The Oscars soon!! Whooooo! Can’t wait!!

WRONG.

The Oscars are always shit and the films they pick are always shit but I strive to be at the forefront of movie journalism in almost every possible way so I feel it my duty to run my expert (peen)eye over the nominations and fucking swear about them a bit (a lot).

Oscar has a very small willy doesn't he?

Best Picture

  • The Artist – Ha, good one.  Everyone knows black and white films are shit, apart from Night of the Living Dead.  Oh wait, even that’s been reclassified as a 15 now, so that’s shit too. So all black and white films are shit. Also, some prick told me The Artist is a ‘silent’ movie too – I almost blew his fucking head off with an axe for talking such cod.
  • The Descendants At least this one’s in colour.  Shame it’s about complete and utter bollocks.  George Clooney is only worth watching if he’s ramming vampires’ guts out with a stake.
  • Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close It’s not actually a film about the way that I chat up women, so I’ll leave it.  I’d rather watch that film I made about the way that I chat up women.  Trust me, it’s wicked – you’ve only got to sit through 5 minutes of exposition before the sex scenes start.
  • The Help If I saw this that would be exactly what I needed. HELP. Getting the scissors out of my eyes.
  • Hugo Absolutely no idea what Scorsese thought he was doing when he made this.  Genuinely no idea.
  • Midnight in Paris The shit that went down at midnight when I was in Paris was enough to fill an amazing 18. To be honest, it probably wouldn’t even make it past the censors.  Do the BBFC allow close ups of willies with faces drawn on the bell-end getting shaken about and pretending to be sick?
  • Moneyball Yeah, let’s watch a film about rounders everyone.  With a name like Moneyball, the scope for 18-rated goodness was endless, shame a load of babies got hold of it and turned it into a MoneyBALL PIT.
  • The Tree of Life Ok, fair enough, dinosaurs are in it which is wicked, but then they haven’t made a good dinosaur movie since Raptor with Eric Roberts.
  • War Horse I had my fingers crossed that this was about some sort of equine killing machine that fired missiles out of its arse and had chainsaws for legs but it’s actually about a horse.
The film is in black and white? I'm glad I'm not in black and white.

The film is in black and white? I'm glad I'm not in black and white.

Actor in a Leading Role

  • George Clooney in The Descendants – Oh whoops, thought I’d already mentioned this.  Add vampires and I’ll be interested.  Which coincidentally is something that applies to every aspect of my life: pizza delivery, having a haircut, cleaning my teeth, having a poo – all better with vampires.
  • Brad Pitt in Moneyball To give him his due, Brad Pitt has been in some brilliant 18s, but I don’t want to see a film about a game I played in infants school. And yes, I was the best in the class if you’re asking.
  • Jean Dujardin in The Artist Those people that complained about this film up in Liverpool were idiots. Not because they were complaining that the film was silent, but because they went to the cinema to watch a fucking PG.
  • Damian Bichir in A Better Life – I’d surely have a better life had I never heard of this croc of sodding skid-mark.
  • Gary Oldman in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Sphincter Gaylord Hopethis Dies more like.

Definitely just pooed himself

Actress in a Leading Role

  • Glenn Close in Albert Nobbs – This hasn’t actually been classified yet and it’s an R in America so my hopes are relatively high that this could be good. According to imdb, “A man performs cunnilingus on a woman”, “A woman exposes her breasts to show that she is not a man”, “The word f*ck is used frequently as well as Jesus, sh*t, damn, and bitch” and there is “A shouting match.” I for one can’t wait for the shouting match.
  • Viola Davis in The Help – Areola Spraytits can suck it.
  • Rooney Mara in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – YES.  I AGREE COMPLETELY. Regardless of the fact that she gets her tits out in it. OK I DID ACTUALLY REGARD THIS.
  • Meryl Streep in The Iron Lady – If it was Iron Lady: The College Years and it was all about her shagging and getting pissed it might be wicked, but it’s about all that boring politics shit so whatever.
  • Michelle Williams in My Week with Marilyn – Ugh.  Sorry I’ve just got to go and check on my paint.  It’s drying.

Meryl Streep can't even act in PHOTOS

Actor in a Supporting Role

  • Kenneth Branagh in My Week with Marylin – I’m back. YEAH IT’S STILL NOT DRY. I might go and check again, might be dry now.
  • Jonah Hill in Moneyball – Yeah well done on not ever being in anything good Jonah, hope you’re pleased with yourself.  Ooooh, you’ve lost a load of weight.  I lose a load of weight about twice a day. Sometimes up to six times on a hangover.
  • Nick Nolte in Warrior – I was properly looking forward to this one when it was announced.  MMA movies are nearly always 18s. Sorry what’s that? This is the only one in the history of the world that’s a 12A? Happy fucking Christmas.
  • Christopher Plummer in Beginners – Beginners, more like AMATUERS.
  • Max von Sydow in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Extremely Boring and Incredibly Shit innit eh? EH LADS?

Shhhhh, that's Brad Pitt on the phone, something about a film called 'Moneyball' - I think it's a porno, it could do wonders for my career!

Actress in a Supporting Role

  • Octavia Spencer in The Help – We’ve been through this.
  • Berenice Bejo in The Artist – Her initials are BB.  I assume that stands for Buggering Bollocks or something.  Take from that what you will.
  • Jessica Chastain in The Help – Oh hello again.  I’m pretty sure we’ve met before, and I’m pretty sure I told you to sod off the first time, so if you kindly would, I’d be most grateful.
  • Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids – I normally love bridesmaids, but they’re always over 18, and this film is not.  Therefore I will not have sex with it.
  • Janet McTeer in Albert Nobbs – I’m going for this one on the off chance that it’s an 18. Also Janet McTeer rhymes with ‘wicked cool shit’, and if that’s not a good omen then decapitate me with a sheet of glass.

Shit sandals mate, where'd you get them? Clarks?

Animated Feature Film

  • A Cat in Paris
  • Chico & Rita
  • Kung Fu Panda 2
  • Puss in Boots
  • Rango

I only really watch animation if it’s cool like Ninja Scroll, Spawn or those mint tentacle porn things they make in Japan.  The films above are none of those things – so read that and stick it in your weep and pipe it.

Cinematography

  • The Artist – Well whoever filmed it put the wrong film in because it’s black and white so good luck on that one, prick.
  • The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – OF COURSE THIS SHOULD WIN.
  • Hugo – I guess it was hypnosis.  Someone hypnotised Scorsese into making this.  Paul McKenna probably, you know how he likes shit films.
  • The Tree of Life – Get Eric Roberts on the phone, shit is popping off at the Academy, we need someone to wipe the floor with these mugs.
  • War Horse – The ‘genius’ behind the cinematography obviously missed it every time a missile fired out of the horse’s anus so they certainly don’t deserve an Oscar.

'War Horse' could've been wicked

Art Direction

  • The Artist
  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
  • Hugo
  • Midnight in Paris
  • War Horse

I have absolutely no idea what art direction is so I’ve gone off to make a burrito with fuck loads of cheese in it instead.

Costume Design

  • Anonymous
  • The Artist
  • Hugo
  • Jane Eyre
  • W.E.

Hey at least this time they introduced some new films into the mix.  Shame one’s about Shakespeare (everyone loves Shakespeare), the other is about Jane Eyre (everyone loves J.K Rowling or whoever the fuck wrote it) and the other is directed by Madonna (everyone loves that book which Madonna has a massive muff in).

Best Director

  • Martin Scorsese for Hugo – Or maybe it was drugs?  Someone spiked the punch at the Sorority mixer?
  • Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris – If you ever…even think…I shall fucking…so hard…you’ll be…for weeks…ever again…teach you…YOU SOD.
  • Terrence Malik for The Tree of Life – Ok special effects guys, Terrence here.  Now this is the most important and awesome scene in the whole movie – it’s the bit with the dinosaurs ok?  The brief for this is that I explicitly DO NOT want the dinosaurs to do anything cool like bite people’s legs off or claw their eyes out or anything, I want you to make it as shit as possible.  You reckon you can do this?  I’m just going to go and read ‘I Only Watch 18s’ oh no wait I’m not because I’m an idiot.
  • Alexander Payne for The Descendants – He’s an Alexander Payne in the arse if you ask me.
  • Michel Hazanavicius for The Artist – That’s not even a real name and an imaginary person can’t win an Oscar so he’s out.  Wait, didn’t Nicole Kidman win an Oscar once?

Hey kids, what's the shittest dinosaur? YEP! THIS ONE!

Documentary Feature

  • Hell and Back Again
  • If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front
  • Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
  • Pina
  • Undefeated

Erm, I can’t really be bothered to look all of these up, but Pina sounds closest to ‘Penis’ so it might be about sex, which would obviously make it worth watching.  Although the second one down has the words ‘tree’ and ‘front’ which at a stretch, could also equate to genitalia, so I’m keeping my options open on this category.

Documentary Short

  • The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement
  • God Is the Bigger Elvis
  • Incident in New Baghdad
  • Saving Face
  • The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom

I won’t be watching any of these because I can have sex in five minutes and that’s always worth doing instead of watching TV.  Unless The Blob is on of course, nothing stops the blob.

APART FROM A TAMPON HURHURHRUHRURUHUUHUR.

The Blob is on. CANCEL ALL APPOINTMENTS

Film Editing

  • The Artist
  • The Descendants
  • Kevin Tent
  • The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
  • Hugo
  • Moneyball

I think you all know what I’m going to say…

“CAT”

You see, you can’t second guess this motherfucker.

Foreign Language Film

  • Bullhead – This is rated R and so has a chance of being an 18 which is good news.  However, it is not actually about someone with a bull for a head, so don’t get too excited.  That would make a good film though wouldn’t it – someone with a bull for a head? Not a bull’s head, an actual entire bull as a head.  I think I might write it.  I could call it Look At Me Everyone I’ve Got A Fucking Bull For A Head.
  • Footnote – 1
  • In Darkness – The best way to watch this film would be ‘in darkness’ because then you wouldn’t have to fucking watch it.
  • Monsieur Lazhar – Monsieur Lazhar, meet Monsieur Couldn’t Give A Flying Turd, I’ll let you two get acquainted.
  • A Separation – THIS ONE’S A PG.

Beavis and Bull-head

Makeup

  • Albert Nobbs
  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
  • The Iron Lady

ASK SOMEONE WHO GIVES A SHIT.

Music (Original Score)

  • The Adventures of Tintin
  • The Artist
  • Hugo
  • Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
  • War Horse

Well, Tintin’s stuck his bloody little shitty quiff in and is trying to muscle in with the big boys is he?  Hey Tintin, if you win, keep it to yourself because I’m not in the slightest bit interested in the outcome of this category this year.  If you absolutely have to tell someone, then put it on a stamp-addressed shit and send it to your wet dog you smarmy cock.

Music (Original Song)

  • Man or Muppet – The Muppets (Music and Lyrics by Bret McKenzie)
  • Real in Rio – Rio (Music by Sergio Mendes and Carlinhos Brown, Lyrics by Siedah Garrett)

Sorry, I can’t hear you over the deafening N.W.A in my headphones.

What a bunch of MUPPETS

Short Film (Animated)

    • Dimanche/Sunday
    • The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
    • La Luna
    • A Morning Stroll
    • Wild Life

Mr Morris Lessmore?  Fuck off.

Short Film (Live Action)

  • Pentecost
  • Raju
  • The Shore
  • Time Freak
  • Tuba Atlantic

If The Shore is anything like Jersey Shore then I’m in.

Sound Editing

  • Drive
  • The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
  • Hugo
  • Transformers: Dark of the Moon
  • War Horse

WHAT?? Two 18s in one category? What legend came up with this list? I might even tune in on the night just to watch this category, although they probably won’t show it because during the ‘important’ categories all the self-important actors will have used up all their jizz firing it onto the stage and the up-themselves actresses will have dried out their minges forcing Oscar’s head up-themselves.

Shame there isn't an Oscar for 'Coolest Fucker On The Block'

Sound Mixing

  • The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
  • Hugo
  • Moneyball
  • Transformers: Dark of the Moon
  • War Horse

I haven’t heard of any of these DJs.

Visual Effects

  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
  • Hugo
  • Real Steel
  • Rise of the Planet of the Apes
  • Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Yeah I know, it’s amazing how they made them all look so SHIT.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

  • The Descendants
  • Hugo
  • The Ides of March
  • Moneyball
  • Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

I’m losing track of all the different and varied films up for nomination this year, there’s just such a diverse range of films and genres it’s hard to keep up.

I'm seriously losing all interest now

Writing (Original Screenplay)

  • The Artist
  • Bridesmaids
  • Margin Call
  • Midnight in Paris
  • A Separation

You’ve probably had enough of reading this by now and I’ve had enough of writing it – what a huge, hairy, aggressively swinging pair of wrinkly bollocks the whole thing is.  Look at them up there, aimlessly swaying back and forth, rogue pubes coming loose and wafting down onto the audience below.  See the sack as it retracts every time it gets a bit excited, then watch as the sordid scrotum descends once more to resume its revolting waltz like it’s the world’s largest and dirtiest pendulum.  Look at its reflection in the mirror too – gaze as it stares at each narcissistic bag-fold and laughs.  Watch as the Academy’s conceited jism flows down the mirror and distorts its image into something so twisted and unrecognisable you might as well hurl dung at it, it’s not going to make a jot of difference and no-one’s going to notice.

WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS.

I HATE THE OSCARS.

See you next year!

 

1 This will be fucking shit.

This entry was posted in 18s and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The I Only Watch 18s Mega Oscars Post 2012

  1. Tom says:

    I would do anything – anything – just to make love to you, you gorgeous man.

  2. angelcakes says:

    Your last paragraph describing the Oscars as a load of bollocks, is possibly the best piece of writing I have ever read in my entire life. I am jealous I haven’t written it myself – for it was the purest truest description of the entire flacid cock wank circus that is the Oscars.

    Sir I salute you.

  3. Matt says:

    I agree, angelcakes (overlooking the “lose/loose” typo). 11 for that shit-tip Titanic? Ordinary People beating Raging Bull? Forrest-Fucking-Gump beating Pulp Fiction? An Oscar nomination/win means fuck-all to anyone with a brain.

  4. ionlywatch18s says:

    TYPO IS NO MORE. Thanks for pointing that one out…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *