Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star (2011)

I’ve only seen one Adam Sandler film because I normally walk straight past Toys ‘R’ Us on my way to the strip-club. It was Bulletproof, and I liked it.  This Nick Swardson character however, I haven’t seen in anything, but I remember hearing that Gay Robot skit back at Uni because someone had it on their computer. I also liked that. So when I found out that Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star was an 18, I helicoptered my dick out the window and threw Kraft cheese slices at cats in the garden.

Also, Christina Ricci is in it, who is an extremely attractive female.  She also has a beautifully large forehead, which is handy because it gives you something to kiss while she’s giving you a blow job.

Anyway, Bucky Larson is about this bloke called Bucky (Swardson) who is, in a word, a massive geek (that was three words, prick).  One day, he goes round his friend’s house and him and all his mates sit around in the basement watching porn and wanking (bit weird, but each to their own I suppose), when all of a sudden, everyone realises that the two people ramming it big-town on the video, are actually Bucky’s parents…

So as any normal person would do, he decides to become a pornstar.  Only there’s two problems; 1) He’s got a really tiny little nubby willy; bell-end to shaft ratio is 100:1, and 2) He can’t get his wombat anywhere near a girl without screaming his fucking head off and premming it bonkers all over everyone.

However, one washed-up porn producer decides that this shrieking, small-dicked early-load-jizzer with a shit haircut is actually the next big thing in porn.  That’s because Bucky makes men feel good about themselves and their average johnsons and women that watch him also appreciate the standard schlongs of their partners.  I completely understand this storyline, because it’s the same when I watch porn with girls, they always really acknowledge my humongous swinging oak once they compare it to the pithy 9 inch dicks on whatever fuck-flick we’re watching.

Now, Bucky Larson has been unanimously slated by critics – it’s one of the only films to score a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes but I literally couldn’t give a flying fuck.  I literally couldn’t. I don’t even know what a flying fuck is, let alone have one to give. Bucky Larson made me laugh and therefore I thought it was good.

Of course, as you all know, I am extremely easily pleased – to give you an idea of how easily pleased I am, I find it almost unbearably hilarious every time someone drops food.  People dropping food is one of the funniest things in my life.  I can’t handle it, people don’t seem to understand why I find it so funny, but every time someone drops food (or drink, obviously) I find it one of the funniest things in the world. For example, I remember once me and a friend were sitting on a bench eating those massive ice pop things, and unless you’re a complete moron, you obviously save all the juice at the bottom until the end – it’s the best bit. My friend had been saving his for ages, he looked at me and I could see the joy in his eyes; he was going to love drinking it.  Then for some reason, he put both of his hands at the bottom of the pop, the whole thing flopped down and all the juice sprayed out onto the floor – I could genuinely hear his heart break.  I laughed for 10 minutes straight.  I kept laughing about it for the rest of the day. I still laugh about it now.  WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS I’M EASILY PLEASED, SHEESH.

So yeah, I laughed quite a few times throughout Bucky Larson, mainly every time Bucky splooged everywhere whilst screaming – there was also a really funny bit where someone dropped some food.

I’ve always found comedy criticism to be a bit of a pointless arena, because it’s so subjective – one person might think someone getting hit in the balls is funny (correct), another might think Men Behaving Badly is funny (incorrect), another might (will) think that I’m funny (correct)So when some comb-over snot-nosed eyes-too-close-together film critic goes and watches Bucky Larson and doesn’t find it funny – who gives a shit?  0% on Rotten Tomatoes – and what?  I wouldn’t give those princes the time of day anyway, so I don’t care that they didn’t like it. Ok I would give them the time of day but that’s only because I’ve got a really nice watch and I like rubbing it in people’s faces. Either way, their opinion means shittly squat to me.

SOMEONE SCREAMING AND JIZZING EVERYWHERE IS FUNNY IN MY BOOK.

I give Bucky Larson 6 10s out of 10.

 

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