So the Super Bowl is big business over in the US. But admit it, you couldn’t give a shit about it if you live in the UK.
“What? You didn’t watch the Super Bowl? I looooove American Football! I actually follow it pretty closely, trust me, I love it! SLAM DUNK! HOLE IN ONE!”
I’m certainly no pretender – the only thing I care about is the film trailers they show throughout the match. Although to be honest, I don’t even really care about them that much, because they’re never for 18s – they’re always for big family blockbusters about giant robots fucking each other in the exhaust pipe or wankers in spandex seeing how many fingers they can fit up each others’ bums. Still, I’m always interested in the big ones each year, just on the off chance that there might be an 18 hidden in there somewhere.
Here’s what we had this year:
21 Jump Street – This is the one Jonah Hill lost loads of weight for. But it’s not actually about him losing weight, so it’s already way below the interest level generated by a standard episode of The Biggest Loser. To be fair, it does have guns and explosions in it, but I doubt those guns or explosions will be going anywhere near any completely naked women so I’m the fuck out.
Safe House – Yeah, it could be good, but –
Wait a minute, brb.
Oh hello, little birdie.
How can I help you?
Just thought I’d tell you that this will be shit.
Oh ok, thanks for the heads up.
That’s cool, laters alligators.
See ya! What a nice chap.
I’m back, sorry about that, where was I? Oh yeah, I think this’ll be shit.
The Dictator – Right, well we might be in ‘worth watching’ territory here. Bruno was an 18 and was hilarious, so I’m crossing my fingers, pubes, toes, legs and I’ve been stretching my bollocks out for an hour just so that I can grab two chunks of skin and effectively tie my sack in a bow, thereby crossing my balls too, that this will be an 18.
Battleship – ‘Battleship’ is a fun game. But I doubt the movie will have a booming voice-over that intermittently buts in to shout things like “STOP LOOKING YOU FUCKING PRICK” and “GUTTED! GUUUUUUUTTTED YOU SMARMY WANKSTAIN, BIG BANG EXPLOSION ON YOUR SODDING PONCY LITTLE SHIP, POW!!” before finally climaxing with a flurry of FUCKs and I HATE THIS GODFORSAKEN GAMEs leading up to a gigantic foot smashing down on all the ships followed by a thick stream of piss flowing from above. That’s what normally happens when I play anyway.
John Carter – Can they pick a more boring name for a film? They dropped the ‘Of Mars’ for some reason, at least that made it interesting. Oi, let’s take all the bloody excitement from this one, let’s make sure nobody wants to see it. And let’s make an even shitter trailer. John FARTer more like.
Lorax – This is the kiddiest out of all of them and I’m not in the slightest bit interested about it. I didn’t even make it through the trailer. I glanced into the kitchen and a packet of Kettle chips was screaming at me to eat it, so I went in and merked it big style.
The Avengers – Why they felt the need to remake some 12 from the ’90s with Sean Connery that literally everyone hated I’ll never know. Oooh, put them in skintight costumes, give one of them a hammer, another one a bow-and-arrow (good one) and make one a rip-off of The Hulk, nobody will notice!
I mean I haven’t checked the synopsis for this but I’m usually bang on the money with these kind of things.
G.I Joe: Retaliation – Stop basing movies on toys. If you’re gonna base a film on a toy, at least make it about one of those huge double-ended vibrator things that squirt white cream out of the ends, jeez. You could call it Double Impact or something. Oh wait, that’s been done hasn’t it? What about Double Team? That’s been done too? I’ll get back to you on this one.
That reminds me, I can’t wait for Universal Soldier: A New Dimension.
Act of Valor – I have no idea what this is. It’s a war film so it could be an 18 and there are explosions in the trailer so you never know, it might be good. It’s rated R too, which is always a good sign. Still, if I’ve never heard of it then it must be shit because I’m a legend and I’ve heard of everything. I know so much more about films than you.
So yeah, as you can see, it was yet another boobs-hang-low-you-can-tie-them-in-a-bow year for Super Bowl trailers. Apart from possibly The Dictator. Fingers crossed for next year, fuck am I traumatising my sack again though, fat lot of good that’s doing.