DON’T WORRY THAT WAS A JOKE OF COURSE I DIDN’T WATCH VALENTINE’S DAY YOU SODS!!
Every year around this time, I put my romantic hat on. You might think that behind the steel ceps, the fuck-board abs, the city-crushing quads, the nut-cracking glutes, the ceiling punching shoulders, the vein-a-saurus pex, the female-felling-phallus, the slicked-back quiff, the chiseled-to-shit-and-back jawbone and the overriding and overwhelming aura of ultimate and omnipotent masculinity, that there isn’t a heart of gold hiding somewhere.
Well, you’d be right. But on this day I feel it my duty to let my soft side come to the fore – I’m a real old-fashioned romantic once a year. You don’t believe me? Here’s a list of the top ten most romantic things I’ve ever done:
10. I broke into my girlfriend’s house the night before Valentine’s day and proceeded to key the absolute living fuck out of all the DVDs that she owned that weren’t 18s. I knew she’d thank me in the long run.
Turns out she didn’t – she started crying instead. So I filmed myself shagging a supermodel and emailed it to her parents.
9. Just last year I dressed up in a perfect Jason Voorhees costume (with a real machete obviously, only the best’ll do for me) and burst into my sweetheart’s office at midday, hurled a sheep’s head at her desk, set the fire alarms off and ran out.
She dumped me the next day. I assume it was because she didn’t find the Pizza Express vouchers jammed into the sheep’s mouth.
8. I painted a romantic mural onto one partner’s house while she was out:
7. I made my girlfriend a Tiramisu and hid a 50p in it to spend on whatever she wanted.
She choked on it and I had to take her to A&E.
Then when they discharged her she caught me shagging a peng nurse in the waiting room.
I offered to bring the 50p up to a quid but she still dumped me.
6. I paid for two luxury VIP tickets to a posh West End cinema – can’t remember the film but it was blatantly good. Then I thought I’d mix it up a bit by putting my knob through the bottom of the nachos instead of the popcorn.
I burned my willy on the cheese and she had to take me to A&E.
Then when she came in to see me she caught me shagging a peng nurse in the consulting room.
I asked if she wanted to join in but she still dumped me.
5. I bought my girlfriend a copy of Ong Bak on DVD. She hadn’t heard of it (yeah I know, not sure why I was with her to be honest – don’t worry, didn’t last for long), so I suggested we watch it that evening. I cooked a nice romantic meal of Pot Noodles and breadsticks and we sat down to witness the miracle that is Tony Jaa.
But halfway through I got so caught up in the moment that I fucking elbowed a sodding hole right into the middle of her plasma TV. She tried to dump me there and then, but before she could finish her sentence, I’d already set fire to my legs and jumped out of the window to knee the motorcycle helmet right off that guy’s head outside.
4. One of my girlfriends wanted a tattoo really badly, so I bought her one for Valentine’s Day. Only I’d come to a little agreement with the tattoo artist beforehand, and I’d given him a much better design to do which I knew she’d like even more than her ‘butterfly’ idea.
Strange though, because she didn’t seem to take to a detailed rendition of Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls covering her entire back:
Seriously, chill out, you can get these things removed you know.
Fuck am I paying for that though, I think it looks mint.
3. I replaced all the spices in my sweetie’s spice rack with protein shake and sewed weights into all of her coats. Her ceps were too weak, blud. Mans gotta shake some shit up round hyar.
2. My girlfriend at the time wanted Dirty Dancing on DVD for some reason. So I bought it for her, but I poured a load of rabbit droppings into the case before shutting it and laminating it. I’ve got my own laminating machine – I use it to laminate my dick sometimes. Don’t ask why.
Anyway, when she opened it all the rabbit droppings went on the floor and she ditched me. Even after seeing my laminated dick and everything.
1. I took a girl out for an expensive dinner, then we went to the theatre, then a romantic walk along the beach before heading back to mine to make sweet love all through the night.
This one went the best compared to all the other ones.
Well, at least until I started crying, had a nosebleed and shat myself.
SERIOUSLY GIRLS, YOU’RE MISSING OUT.