First off, we’ve got a bit of an I Only Watch 18s exclusive here, here’s a special message to all you lovely I Only Watch 18s readers:
You know it.
So yeah, I fucking like Danny Dyer, and I fucking like his films and if you don’t then you’re probably blind or a cat or something. He’s been in some amazing 18s, and I really do mean amazing – at least one of my favourite films of all time is a Danny Dyer film. Ok, yeah, he’s been in some shit 15s and that, but as you can see in the video above, he obviously hasn’t even seen them – guess he was just picking up the paycheck.
So, pull your tampon out, put some fucking lip-balm on and let me shag you through a journey of Danny’s 18-rated career:
Prime Suspect 3 – This was the one that first brought Dyer into the mainstream, although not my mainstream because I haven’t seen it. I haven’t seen any of the Prime Suspects because I assumed they were some shitty Helen Mirren police drama TV thing or some shit for kids and old people. Turns out they’re not – loads of them are bloody 18s, so of course I now need to watch them. Spesh if the big M gets her norks out.
Human Traffic – Now I don’t do drugs (it ruins my porking ability no end), but that doesn’t mean I can’t go on a Human Traffic trip. It’s a brilliant film and an absolute laugh-riot from come-up to come-down. The soundtrack is top notch, although make sure you get the original and not Human Traffic: Remixed which according to many people, including Danny himself, is a giant, hairy croc of wet shit. Completely different soundtrack. If it ain’t broke don’t sodding try and fix it you blow-jobsworth.
Is Harry On The Boat? – This is another one I haven’t seen, but it’s about a load of blokes and lasses on the sodding razz in Ibiza. I can relate to this, because I’ve done the whole lads’ holiday thing. Quite a few times actually – first it was Benidorm, then it was Zante, then Magaluf, then Bulgaria. Gotta say, I’m done with that shit now – yeah I
didn’t shag anyone on any of the holidays shagged a different girl every single night on each one, but I prefer a little culture to go alongside my rooting nowadays. You’ve gotta grow up one day haven’t you? And if there’s one thing you’ll have learnt from reading my site, you’ll know I’m not immature in the slightest anymore.
If you disagree, well then I’ll poo on your tits, willy breath.
Goodbye Charlie Bright – This was Danny Dyer’s first team-up with Nick Love and the beginning of a bit of a collaborative dream team that ended up making some sweet flicks. I still haven’t seen this one, but it’s been on my watch-list for donkey’s bollocks. Might go and order it now actually, brb.
There, done. I’ll let you know what I thought of it. Better be fucking good, I could have spent that 3 quid on not buying condoms.
The Football Factory – I love this movie. First time I saw it I couldn’t believe something like this had got made. Granted, it’s about a bunch of massive cunts, but it’s still bloody good isn’t it? There’s no moral at the end, no preaching, and I thought it was pretty darn impressive that it just told it exactly how it is. There are knobs out there that punch each other in the nuts and there’s not much you can do about it.
Unless you’re like me of course, but not many of you are as fucking hard as that.
Tabloid – Ent seen this one. To be honest I haven’t even heard of it, but then Dani Behr’s in it, and if she’s not an absolute storming hottie blast-from-the-past then I’d like to see one please. Now. NOW. SHOW ME ONE.
Actually I’m probably never going to watch this to be honest.
The Business – You know that ‘one of my favourite films of all time’ film I mentioned earlier? Well this is it. The Business is my idea of a sodding good time at the movies for a number of reasons; there’s loads of killing, there’s loads of swearing, there’s some choice tits, the clothes in it are cooler than your clothes, the soundtrack is perfect, the locations are beautiful (most of the time) and also Geoff Bell is in it. Every time I watch it it makes me extremely happy.
Danny and Tamer Hassan are a 100% flawless double-act, with both of them showcasing career bests in my opinion. If you haven’t seen it I urge you to get it now. Although be careful, because you might find yourself dressing like an absolute twat for a couple of months afterwards – what was cool in the ’80s isn’t necessarily cool now.
I did get off with a truck-load of old birds though.
Outlaw – This was the last in the Nick Love/Danny Dyer trilogy (fingers crossed there’ll be more though), and it’s my least favourite. Although missionary is my least favourite sexual position but I still fucking love it. It’s about some vigilante peeps that go off beating the turd out of crims and the lark – my kind of film. Sean Bean is a bad-ass of the highest order in this one too. He even thinks he’s as tough as me in it, but unfortunately he’s not.
I’d like to see him rip the head off a Barbie.
Straightheads – You know my stance on revenge films. They’re always good. This was a revenge film so was therefore good. Also Gillian Anderson gets her pointy frups out, which coincidentally, is Reason To Watch A Film Number 2,486.
Doghouse – Fuck’s sake. I’ve done it again. I just bought this, and I hadn’t checked the BBFC before the purchase. It’s a fucking 15 – it’s the special features that make it an 18. I really wish they’d stop doing that. They should have some sort of warning on the front cover of DVDs like this. Something like this would do:
Jack Said – I’ve not seen this one either, which is strange because it looks quite interesting. It basically looks like a British Sin City, which could either be a really good thing or a really bad thing. I’ll hold my hopes out that it’s a good thing. Wait, ‘hold my hopes out’ – is that even a phrase? Fuck it. I’ll hold my penis out then.
Although that’s never worked whenever I’m hitchhiking.
Pimp – Yet again I got confused and thought someone had made a film about me, but was wrong. This happens all the time and I’m always disappointed when I find out they’re about some other shit – Iron Man, The Terminator, Striptease, Violent Shit, Basic Instinct, Super Size Me, A Cock And Bull Story, A Beautiful Mind, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, He’s Just Not That Into You, Thunderball, Pumping Iron, Predator, I Am Legend, Inside Man, I Know What You Did Last Summer (fucking shat myself when I first heard about that one), Breast Men, The Thing, Blade, Problem Child, Chained Heat, Batteries Not Included, Hulk, The Incredible Hulk, Fist Of Fury, Epic Movie, Grease, Private X-treme 44: Put Your Big Black Cock in My Ass – the list goes on.
Anyway, I haven’t seen this one yet. Probably will one day though.
Devil’s Playground – I’m not very good at this am I? I haven’t seen this one either! It’s about zombies though, so I’m sure I’ll cross paths with it at some point – this normally happens with zombie 18s. Just like fit women. If you are a fit women, at some point in your life, our paths will cross, sorry I can’t help it. My pheromones are that overpowering – they turn beautiful women into slathering zombies. Unfortunately, the only way to cure them is to have sex with them.
It’s hard work having the only antidote for this world-wide pandemic located in my penis.
Dead Cert – Phew, I’ve seen this one. I enjoyed it (read one of my very first I Only Watch 18s reviews here). Good old vampires and gangsters. And Roland Manookian and Perry Benson. And Danny Dyer.
The Last Seven – Sorry, should have waited until I’d seen a few more Danny Dyer films before starting this shouldn’t I? Either way, Tamer Hassan is in this one too, so I’ve already decided that I’ll like it. Put those two in a film and I’ll like it. The film could be about baking (The Baking Business), or hanging washing up on the clothesline (Are These Poncy Briefs Yours You Mug?), or grating cheese (Tamer And Dyer Are Grating Some Fucking Cheese All Over This Bird’s Tits And Then They’re Gonna Fucking Eat It) and I’d still watch it.
I’m unsure as to the rest of his films that have come out recently or are coming out soon and their certificates so I think I’ll shut my whining trap.
Either way, I think you’ll agree that Danny Dyer is a bloody legend and as long as he keeps making quality 18s, he’ll stay that way. He’s certainly invited to my next birthday party. It’s gonna be mint, first we’ll all meet round mine to watch me open my presents (fingers crossed for a Robocop mask), then we’re going to go to Laser Quest – we’ve booked two games, then after that we’ll head to Nandos, Mum and Dad are paying so eat as much you like, then we’re going to go bowling in the evening because at night the bowling alley lights up and all the balls go luminous, then finally we’ll all head into town, chin some sodding lagers and a couple of cheeky Ts, Sammie Bs and Wikki-Ds before heading in the direction of our erections to stonking stud some peng hussies with mint bazookas and fresh quims until the sun comes up and we’ve busted our sacks into oblivion.
If you’re a twat you’re not fucking invited though.