Ever since I saw the trailer for this back in October time, my erection has become a permanent fixture in my life, bringing rise to a number of embarrassing and awkward situations which I won’t trouble you with here. Well, it’s finally gone down now because I’ve finally seen The Raid.
Leaping fucking lizards was it good. Suffering fucking succotash I loved it. I mean this was easily one of the best films I’ve seen in ages. For sodding ages. Seriously for sodding bloody ages. Seriously for sodding bloody fucking ages. Couldn’t believe how good it was. Let me tell you why.
The Raid is basically about this huge high-rise tower block full of naughty drugs dealers and when a load of armed police enter it there’s a big fight.
THAT’S IT. Story over and out. See you next cuntday. After about 20 minutes of set-up, the rest of the film is just fighting. Fighting with guns, fighting with knives, fighting with batons, fighting with shields, fighting with swords, fighting with fists, fighting with boots and fighting with balconies.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order a fighting for an hour and 15 minutes please, hold the exposition.
Gareth Evans: Coming right up.
But not only is it all fighting, it’s all absolutely look-at-this-vein-on-my-knob amazing fighting – like truly some of the best you’ll ever see. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a massive fan of martial arts films and have seen a great deal, and I can safely say that the fighting in this blows almost every single one of them out of the pissy water. Right out. All the way to Hell.
And most of it is down to Iko Uwais – quite possibly the hardest bastard to ever grace the silver screen. He would put his foot so far up Brian Mills’ arse that he could put his foot up Rambo’s arse through Brian’s mouth. With his dick.
Supposedly he was in some film directed by the same guy called Mere Ant Poo or something saggy, but I never saw that because I was in Boots buying lube for shagging. Either way, he’s a 100% hard-nut of the highest order in this – he fights so many people and doesn’t give a shit about any of them. There are so many bad guys in this flick and Uwais destroys them in the blink of a bum-eye with a flick of the banjo-string.
The moves he uses have to be seen to be believed – the different ways he uses to dispatch the tower-pricks are ingenious in the extreme, I can’t even describe them here. Just trust me when I say that it’s quite probable that if you’re a bloke your willy might go into an erection so fast that it’ll fly straight through your stomach and carve a 360 degree hole through your abdomen before flying off into the distance like a screaming jizz-powered missile, and if you’re a girl your flange will become so wet that you could set up a water-slide business without ever having to worry about obtaining water from anywhere – The Raid will have you covered for life.
If you hadn’t guessed by now, I enjoyed this immensely. I really haven’t been this excited during a film for a long time – probably since Ong Bak. I seriously recommend this. There are a couple of things wrong with it but I cannot be arsed to go into detail about them because the good outweighs the bad to such an extent that the bad ends up appearing smaller than your tiny dick, chode-face.
Overall, The Raid was a pulsating and aggressive chunk of vibrating stimulation that’ll stick the fucks up your crying slots whilst pummeling your guts off with the ferocious horsepower of a sunken numpty with a plonking tonk-on powering through each one of your holes in a manner befitting a hoggish crunt that’s just had a tonne of milk sliced through his smarmy backside while he sings Livin’ On A Prayer through the garish gash of a full-of-herself munter with money on her mind.
I LOVED IT.